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Wednesday, February 12, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: All Caps Advice

Posted by on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 1:48 PM

I have been involved with a man for the last two years. Throughout our relationship we have had one very serious and (to me) immensely annoying argument that keeps reoccurring: he thinks I'm a whore for my past sexual behavior. He didn't reveal this until four months in and after we had started having mind-blowing, highly experimental sex. Why is he so infuriated that I've had sex with other people? I've been chalking it up to him being insecure, immature and inexperienced. But regardless of the reason: I AM SICK OF BEING CALLED A WHORE FOR HAVING A SEX LIFE BEFORE HE CAME INTO IT. It's been difficult maintaining a relationship with someone who is so clearly against my past, but outside of that argument we get along really well. It only comes up once every few months now in the form of small comments instead of an enormous blowout like it did a few years ago. Is he ever going to let go that there were others before him?

Quite Unremarkably Experienced At Sex Yet Attacked

My response to QUEASYA—and her response to mine—after the jump...



One month later...

I broke up with him! Never been happier! Thank you!—QUEASYA

* "What the fuck? Oh, my God. Piece of shit! Dump the motherfucker already. As soon as possible. Right fucking now. Bacon, lettuce, tomato. Over and out."


Comments (43) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
It is interesting that some people ask about another person's past and then don't like the answer.

Don't ask a question if you fear the answer.
Posted by westello on February 12, 2014 at 1:54 PM · Report this
Yay! A nice simple DTMFA that the person followed through on. Such an improvement from yesterday's clusterfuck.
Posted by wxPDX on February 12, 2014 at 1:54 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 3
I love a happy ending.

Was the guy Catholic? Sounds like he had Catholic damage, or maybe Mormon.
Posted by Matt from Denver on February 12, 2014 at 1:55 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 4

But then how can you beat the other person over the head with their past for the duration of the relationship?
Posted by keshmeshi on February 12, 2014 at 2:16 PM · Report this
MacCrocodile 5
As far as my boyfriend knows, I spontaneously came into existence in the woods, moments before he met me. Nobody tell him otherwise. It would break his heart.
Posted by MacCrocodile on February 12, 2014 at 2:22 PM · Report this
Fortunate 6
First of all, if you didn't get paid you aren't a whore. Whore's are pros. People who just sleep around for free are sluts, and anyone who can't appreciate a slut doesn't deserve to have on in their lives.

Posted by Fortunate on February 12, 2014 at 2:25 PM · Report this
I don't understand why she needed Dan's stamp of approval to make a choice she was obviously champing at the bit to make. She made the right choice of course, but this decision clearly didn't require feedback. Nice short answer though.
Posted by Jizzlobber on February 12, 2014 at 2:31 PM · Report this
@3 - Sounds like generic American male sex hangups to me...
Posted by brent.b on February 12, 2014 at 2:31 PM · Report this
@6: Word!
Posted by gnossos on February 12, 2014 at 2:38 PM · Report this
@3 and @8: Yeah, it could Madonna/Whore, and/or "The One", and/or something his (bio) mom or a (Catholic) Father told him.

Those are clearly pathological belief systems, but how about the one we all mostly present and that Dan promotes, "Your kids deserve not to be burdened imagining their parents as a sexual beings."? Part of that artificial image of their parents is that mom and dad had no partners before they met. How much does that BS contribute to the myth of "The One" and how the ideal spouse/mother is so chaste? Likewise, that attempted presentation of effortless monogamy contributes more than the media to an assumption that monogamy is easy and completely satisfying.
Posted by DAVIDinKENAI on February 12, 2014 at 2:42 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 11
"Men need to believe that they’re Marco fucking Polo when it comes to sex - like they’re the only ones who’ve ever explored new territory. And it’s hard not to let them believe it. I let my boys run with it for awhile - feed them some of that “I’ve never done this before...” bullshit, and let ‘em labor under the delusion that they rockin’ my world, until I can’t stand them anymore. Then I hit ‘em with the truth.

It’s a sick game. The world would be a better place if people would just accept that there’s nothing new under the sun, and everything you can do with a person has probably been done long before you got there."

-from a film
Posted by Urgutha Forka on February 12, 2014 at 2:46 PM · Report this
Goofy letter... obvious answer... filler?
Posted by parisimo on February 12, 2014 at 3:13 PM · Report this
ScrawnyKayaker 13
@5 Your boyfriend is a Sasquatch?

Just spitballing who would be out in the woods and would fall for that story...
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on February 12, 2014 at 3:14 PM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 14

I met my wife when we were both in our 30s. We both (correctly) assumed that we had fucked a bunch of people before we started dating each other. We'd be kinda weird otherwise.
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on February 12, 2014 at 3:15 PM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 15
@11 Chasing Amy, specifically. It's weird that I remember that.
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on February 12, 2014 at 3:16 PM · Report this
"It's all been done before... the lesson every gay man learns after his second theme costume party." - Angels In America, I think. (And I probably got the quote wrong too.)
Posted by Pope Buck I on February 12, 2014 at 3:52 PM · Report this
MacCrocodile 17
@13 - Yes, he's a Sasquatch. That's what he told me anyway.
Posted by MacCrocodile on February 12, 2014 at 3:56 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 18
8, it's not just America. In fact, compared to the rest of the world, we have a good percentage of males who aren't hung up on the Harem trope.

I feel the term "Harem" is more accurate than "Madonna/Whore complex." It is more descriptive of the mania/psychology of chauvinism-- The male can have many female partners, who must be virgin before they met him, and have no partners from now on. Women are there for sex/keeping the house and nothing else. Any males in the picture are threats and must be emasculated somehow. If they're gay, they've taken away the male's power to emasculate, and is thus worse than a threat: they must be exterminated. A man who has sex with an ex (or "former member of the Harem') is getting "sloppy seconds" and is to be derided. Unless they "stole" the female, in which case they are a threat, as well as the "stolen property" which is now a whore.

I could go on, but you get the idea. Harem thinking can be smelled for miles. Ladies, if you get even a whiff, run.
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on February 12, 2014 at 4:20 PM · Report this
Would you hire a carpenter to build your house if he'd never built one before?
Posted by kwodell on February 12, 2014 at 4:45 PM · Report this
@6 you made my day!
Posted by drcme on February 12, 2014 at 4:49 PM · Report this
seandr 21
It can be a serious blow to the male ego to realize that some dude fucked your woman much better than you ever could.

Let me tell you, it's nice not to have that problem.
Posted by seandr on February 12, 2014 at 5:10 PM · Report this
Ophian 22
Fortunate @6, +1.

[And for the record, I sprang fully formed from the foam of the sea.]
Posted by Ophian on February 12, 2014 at 6:25 PM · Report this
Short, quick, to the point. Well done, Dan! (and why she needed his advice to break it off is beyond me. But many people need someone else to tell them about what is in front of their nose it seems.)
Posted by BG on February 12, 2014 at 6:36 PM · Report this
saxfanatic 24
@22: Wait. I seem to recall reading about that in the paper. Something about a family power struggle and severed genitalia. So you're the product of that whole scene? Wow.
Posted by saxfanatic on February 12, 2014 at 7:00 PM · Report this
Posted by happyhedonist on February 12, 2014 at 8:25 PM · Report this
yucca flower 26
I hope the dumped boyfriend marries the kind of woman he respects and she's either a "saddle back virgin" that lied about saving it for marriage or a "sex hating, never having it ever virgin" because that's what the jerk deserves. I wish a lifetime of boring vanilla baby-breeding-only sex on this jerk.
Posted by yucca flower on February 12, 2014 at 8:26 PM · Report this
Lissa 27
5, 6, 22 & 24: I heart you so much.
I feel for the letter writer. My first husband had that same hang up. He was much younger than me, and I was his first, so really it was the Harem thing kind of turned on its head in a way I guess. Anyway watching Chasing Amy with him, film which I love, did not go well.
He managed to make me feel bad about being friends with my exes, but since at the time I lost my virginity in 1983 at the tender age of 20 he was 9 years old, trying to pitch that somehow I should have waited for him just wasn't going to fly with me.
Posted by Lissa on February 12, 2014 at 8:41 PM · Report this
@9Sounds like generic American male sex hangups to me...

Yup. Speaking here as an atheist who once dealt with having these hangups. Except I didn't try to guilt the other person and kept the problem how it should be: mine and only mine.
Posted by lqtm on February 12, 2014 at 9:52 PM · Report this
Sorry, @8 not @9.
Posted by lqtm on February 12, 2014 at 9:54 PM · Report this
the madonna/whore complex is a different thing than harem thinking. the madonna/whore complex doesn't necessarily go along with a guy thinking he deserves to have more than one woman at a time, or thinking in terms of more than one woman at all. it's more a thing of how he relates to the woman he's with at the moment. he'll go into one of two modes depending on whether he sees the woman as a cheap woman or an expensive woman. the difference in mode can be pretty marked.
Posted by lotuspetal7 on February 12, 2014 at 9:58 PM · Report this
Ophian 31
saxfan @24, look, I know my family is a mess, but I am sick and tired of this media fucking rumor-mill bullshit!

...sorry. I get a little edgy. This libel case against Cicero is dragging through the courts, and fucking Boticelli--the fucking Medici-Anus-Sucking Fuck of aPaparazzo I...

Jeez, I'm sorry...I gotta go.
Posted by Ophian on February 12, 2014 at 10:26 PM · Report this
sirkowski 32
Good job!
Posted by sirkowski on February 12, 2014 at 11:30 PM · Report this
seatackled 33

Just don't get a migraine.
Posted by seatackled on February 13, 2014 at 12:07 AM · Report this
Alanmt 34
@31 Please don't go. We like it when you come out of your shell.
Posted by Alanmt on February 13, 2014 at 4:40 AM · Report this
AFinch 35
@18 is right, it's not just American men, and it most definitely isn't just Catholics or even "religious" types - my BIL is an asshole of this stripe and an avowed atheist (about the only thing about him I can stand).

@6 - I love my wife dearly, despite a ginormous experience gap, but yes, you are a thousand times correct: people who don't appreciate sluts don't deserve them; pearls before swine, IMHO. Not all of us have an issue with a (more) experienced or freaky partner.

Bottom line: she's happier because she isn't stuck with someone who doesn't respect her - it could simply be looking down on (having contempt for) her for some other reason - financial, religious, etc., differences.
Posted by AFinch on February 13, 2014 at 7:24 AM · Report this
BLT can also mean Better Luck Tomorrow which kinda sorta makes sense here.


*Dan Savage for the Accidental Win
Posted by ltrftc on February 13, 2014 at 7:24 AM · Report this
@14 Your comment is like the alternate universe version of "How I Met Your Mother," and this pleases me.
Posted by sugar7898 on February 13, 2014 at 8:22 AM · Report this
Of course, the flip side of this particular coin is hopping into bed with someone new and finding out later that they have had a suspiciously low number of partners before you (not in the "I was in a long-term relationship for 10 years so my number is low" way, but in the "practically a virgin" way) and then feeling weird about it forever.
Posted by sugar7898 on February 13, 2014 at 8:26 AM · Report this
Still Thinking 39
@ 34 Alanmt - Botticelli?
Posted by Still Thinking on February 13, 2014 at 11:48 PM · Report this
lolorhone 40
"Why you wanna ask your woman how many guys she's fucked? 'Cause no matter what she says it's too much for you. She could be like "Two" and you're like "Two?! Two?! Oh no no no no, two?! TWO?! Woo! I guess that's how you was raised."
- Chris Rock, Bring The Pain
Posted by lolorhone on February 14, 2014 at 12:42 AM · Report this
lolorhone 41
Ophian: Everybody knows that beings that arise from the foam of the sea on the half shell are aphrodisiacs of the highest order. So...I guess I'm saying I believe your origin story, mon chapeau rose. Happy Valentine's Day, my hot yogic bisexual friend. My llfe is richer for having flirted with you.
Posted by lolorhone on February 14, 2014 at 12:50 AM · Report this
sissoucat 42
Hey Ophian-Aphrodite, before any encounters with Ares, don't forget to mangle Hephaestus' nets. That scum knows it was all an arranged marriage, but he would still call the paparazzi to take pictures - he's that kind.

@Alanmt 44 : LOL !

@Fortunate : sooo true !
Posted by sissoucat on February 14, 2014 at 5:50 AM · Report this
Ophian 43
@lolo, smooches to you, mon acajou.
Posted by Ophian on February 14, 2014 at 9:42 PM · Report this

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