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Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Giving Her a Giant Bear? Remember to Fuck First!

Posted by on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 11:17 AM

"File this one under 'creepy yet surprisingly hot,' Dan," writes Slog tipper Christine. "It's a Valentine's Day commercial for Vermont Teddy Bears that features a straight couple where he gives her a life-sized teddy bear. He hands it over to her and it is obvious she prefers the bear to the human. You gotta see it for yourself. Maybe an MFB threesome—or does he just like to watch?!?

The ad opens with nod to penis-size anxiety among men—why not compensate with a giant plush toy?—and quickly works in a nod to how-fat-is-my-ass anxiety among women. So that seems fair. But I'm curious if anyone has ever received one of these furgly things from someone they were fucking—and if, after receiving it, you ever fucked that person again.

But my standard advice for Valentine's Day applies if you're thinking about giving your girlfriend—or boyfriend—a giant teddy bear on Friday: Unless your girlfriend is a furry or a plushophile, fuck first. Fuck before you give her the bear. Because you're not going to get fucked after you give her the bear.


Comments (25) RSS

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MacCrocodile 1
"Oh, a giant teddy bear! Thank you! I will have so much fun trying to find a place in my apartment to put this fucking thing."
Posted by MacCrocodile on February 12, 2014 at 11:28 AM · Report this
^^ my thoughts except for "house." and I have much better ideas on how to spend $100 + shipping. Not impressed.
Posted by ariane on February 12, 2014 at 11:42 AM · Report this
blowdart 3
Wait, are we supposed to fuck her first, or fuck the bear? I'm confused.
Posted by blowdart on February 12, 2014 at 11:47 AM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 4
Perfect gift if you're twelve, but kids that age can't afford a four foot tall bear.
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn on February 12, 2014 at 12:14 PM · Report this
@3 I'm thinking you fuck her first. How romantic would it be to receive a soiled bear?
Posted by WestSeven on February 12, 2014 at 12:20 PM · Report this
seandr 6
Saw this ad in the gym the other day, and it creeped me out more than the old guy who spent 20 minutes drying himself in front of the showers.

Great gift if you're married to a 5 year old girl.
Posted by seandr on February 12, 2014 at 12:20 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 7
If a woman wants this, I'm pretty sure she already has a room full of ratty stuffed toys.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on February 12, 2014 at 12:26 PM · Report this
saxfanatic 8
I think that they entirely missed the post-coital-plush-cuddle-surrogate angle in their marketing.

Also: Only $100? What the hell is it stuffed with?
Posted by saxfanatic on February 12, 2014 at 12:27 PM · Report this
treacle 9
Ok, $100, and "guaranteed for life" (whose life?).
Right, I bet it begins falling apart within six months. Especially if its involved in any of these MFB threesomes.

Vaguely related story: I know someone who obtained many stuffed teddy bears of different sizes (all the same famous particular bear), and then sewed them all together and created a POOH-BALL!

True story. It's as funny in real life as it is fun to sit on.
Posted by treacle on February 12, 2014 at 12:35 PM · Report this
Dan, I'm surprised that you didn't mention that Vermont Teddy Bear Company has sponsored Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck.
Posted by brittlestar on February 12, 2014 at 12:38 PM · Report this
Chelydra_serpentina 11
If a guy gave me a giant teddy bear for Valentine's Day, he'd get it back a month later for Steak and a Blowjob Day, in place of the steak and the blowjob.
Posted by Chelydra_serpentina on February 12, 2014 at 12:44 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 12
What the hell is it stuffed with?
Broken promises.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on February 12, 2014 at 1:34 PM · Report this
I am not opposed to being presented with a bear for VD. If his name is Teddy and hails from Vermont, I can live with that as well. I have no issues with whatever size penis he cums with.
Posted by kwodell on February 12, 2014 at 1:58 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 14
@11: is S&BJ Day a thing? because if so, I've been getting ripped off.
Posted by Max Solomon on February 12, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
forcrimeinitaly 15
@14 sure is. March 14th. One of the better holidays in my opinion. Who doesn't like a steak and BJ?
Posted by forcrimeinitaly on February 12, 2014 at 3:14 PM · Report this
ArtBasketSara 16
Any partner of mine knows that there is only ONE teddy bear allowed in my bed when I'm having sex AND THAT THEY BETTER NOT FUCKING LOOK AT IT!!! Also; his name is Pooky. :)
Posted by ArtBasketSara on February 12, 2014 at 3:20 PM · Report this
MacCrocodile 17
@15 - It's about time someone saw to the physical needs and desires of men for once!
Posted by MacCrocodile on February 12, 2014 at 4:26 PM · Report this
I would love to see a Ted (the movie) take on this commercial.... although the most enjoyable part of that movie, acting wise, was Mila Kunis. As it stands, it just makes me think of bear in Wilfred.
Posted by ChefJoe on February 12, 2014 at 8:30 PM · Report this
john t 19
Many years ago, I had a three week temp job at a call center taking orders for Vermont Teddy Bears during their Valentine's Day rush. For call-center work it was actually not too unpleasant, since the customers generally were pretty happy about ordering something "cute" and "romantic" or whatever.

My most memorable customer was the guy who had an accent like a mafioso from Providence, RI and ordered one teddy bear for his wife and one for his mistress.
Posted by john t on February 12, 2014 at 8:58 PM · Report this
Chelydra_serpentina 20
@14 and 17 - Dan's talked about Steak and a Blowjob Day before. The idea is that Valentine's Day is supposedly a holiday for couples, but really it's all about the ladies getting all the romance and moosh they desire from their significant others. S&BJ Day comes exactly a month later and gives the gents what they desire from their significant others.

Incidentally, I'm of the female persuasion and can't stand Valentine's Day.
Posted by Chelydra_serpentina on February 12, 2014 at 10:22 PM · Report this
Ms Serpentina - Good for you. I occasional have found the day useful, as the observation of completely heterosexist promotional material for the day has frequently given me a good clue of one company or another NOT to patronize. The ones who depress me are the totally heterocentric same-sexers who give straight society the impression that we all live sexless lives with no greater thrill than bringing together straight couples and enhancing their Fabulous Quotient.

But I have a question. As one of the components of SBJD is supposed to be regularly on the menu and the other presumably isn't, what VD particulars would comprise their equivalents?
Posted by vennominon on February 13, 2014 at 6:17 AM · Report this
In case anyone actually does think this is a swell gift (I'm assuming your GF is 13), you can get giant teddy bears at Walgreens or TJ Maxx for $30.
Posted by portland scribe on February 13, 2014 at 11:30 AM · Report this
This ad hits that sweet spot of weirdness between Madison Avenue and iPhone/iMovie. You know they spent money making it since those models aren't just VTB employees or someone's niece, but not enough money to keep it from being creepy.
Posted by Pablo Picasso on February 13, 2014 at 3:04 PM · Report this
forcrimeinitaly 24
@20 I'm with you on that. Valentine's day is stupid. I'm a girl but I would much rather have the steak and give the blowjob than the dumb girly pink crap for Valentines Day.
Just remember folks, BJ before steak.
Posted by forcrimeinitaly on February 13, 2014 at 3:16 PM · Report this
I think if you have 100+ to burn on a prank, it'd be a great V-Day gag. LOOK HONEY I GOT YOU THIS HUGE FUCKING BEAR I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LETS FUCK just kidding I got you those earrings/books/playstation/gift certificate you wanted.
Posted by anons on February 15, 2014 at 5:50 PM · Report this

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