Switching Things Up: Microsoft is getting a new CEO, Satya Nadella, and Bill Gates is leaving his chairman role to become an adviser.
Tom Hanks Takes Method Acting To a Whole New Level: Mexican fisherman Jose Salvador Albarengo was found in the Marshall Islands after claiming to have spent 13 months adrift in the Pacific Ocean. I stood in front of the fridge and ate cheese for dinner last night because I was too tired to boil water so I literally do not know how this guy survived.
Wait, We Don't Have This Yet?: Woman struck in the guts with E.coli is on a crusade to get a restaurant grading system in Washington.
All the Ladies in the House: Sandra Fluke, once called a slut and a prostitute by Rush Limbaugh for testifying in favor of contraception, might run for office in California.
Maybe That's Where The Aliens Live: The Curiosity Rover is going to try to pop a wheelie over some sand dune, even though the Spirit rover was lost in a sand dune in 2009, and the Opportunity Rover got stuck on a pile of dirt later called Purgatory Dune. Maybe it's time to stop fucking with those sand dunes, NASA!
State Trooper Pleads No Contest To Sexual Assault and Resigns: Jimmy Franklin Craig, a Lake Stevens trooper, stepped down from his post, but the charge will be dismissed if he "stays out of trouble" for one year. This sounds vaguely wrist slap-y.
I Hate That This Exists, But I'm Glad This Exists: First Place Charter School, opening this fall, will serve the needs of significantly traumatized children.
Still Talking About the Super Bowl: Apparently the Seahawks' win and crushing defense signifies a major change in how football is played.
Three Words You Never Want To Read: Cancer tidal wave.
You're Doing It Wrong: Vladimir Putin tries to soften his image by visiting a preserve for Persian leopards. Yup, that will make us forget your disgusting position towards homosexuality and fill seats at Sochi for sure.
Mom and Dad Never Tell Me Anything!: Apparently we're going to court. Do all of us have to go? I just started here, I'm innocent!
Benedict Cumberbatch On Sesame Street: This is only news if you have eyes and a heart.