by Dan Savage
on Fri, Jan 31, 2014 at 4:38 PM
I am an 18-year-old pansexual girl. Currently in a relationship with a guy. He is a bit younger, though mature for his age. We get along great, our friends like us together, yada yada yada. He wants to do the waiting until marriage thing for sex. I'm cool with that, less pressure in the relationship. He wants to do this for religious reasons, which I mostly agree with. We met in youth group after all.
Here is the real kink. I lost the big V about a year ago. He knows about that, isn't happy about it (cause he hasn't), but he's willing to date me anyways. What hasn't really come up is the subject of porn and masturbation. Back to the religious reasons: He doesn't do either (or won't fess up to them) and doesn't approve. I however, do both. Especially since my breakup (and thus no more sex) last year, I've come to rely on masturbating to take care of my sexual needs. The porn I am willing to forgo, but I don't want to give up pleasuring myself. This guy knows nothing. He has however talked about how we ought to "keep ourselves pure." (My thoughts on purity: I've already screwed that up!)
Is there any good way to communicate that I'm not going to give up masturbating to him without him going crazy? It took long enough just to show him I wasn't the spawn of Satan because I like girls as much as I like guys. Should I just go along with his standards and try giving up masturbation? Or should I not tell him anything about what I do in the privacy of my own bedroom?
Mismatched On Sex
My response after the jump...
The quickest and most effective way to communicate to this boy that you aren't gonna give up masturbation for him is to break the fuck up with him, MOS. Your boyfriend is essentially forcing you to pick between him or masturbation and the choice is obvious: masturbation is a pleasurable friend that doesn't judge or shame you and your boyfriend is an unpleasant, sex-negative, controlling, judgmental scold.
Then after you've enjoyed a few dozen celebratory orgasms, MOS, ask yourself why you would waste even two minutes of your precious pansexual time on a guy like him, i.e. someone that you're clearly not sexually compatible with. You're pansexual, somewhat sexually experienced, you masturbate and you enjoy porn. I could understand your dating a guy who was a virgin and wanted to remain sexually inactive for now—for religious reasons or otherwise—but dating someone you had to talk out of seeing you as the spawn of Satan? Or dating someone you have to lie to about something as common and healthy as masturbation? Not worth it, MOS, not in the short run, not in the long run. You want to be with someone who likes you and wants to be with you, not someone your friends like you with, and this boy clearly doesn't like you. Why on earth do you like him?
Finally: I hope that parenthetical at the end of your second paragraph was meant sarcastically. But just in case: being sexually active does not make you "impure." I think you know that, MOS, but I want you to get out of this relationship while you still believe it.