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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Cavity Search: Skittles Forever

Posted by on Thu, Jan 30, 2014 at 4:31 PM

OH I SEE. Now everyone wants to talk about Skittles. Now that Marshawn Lynch takes Skittles showers and wins football games and will now have his own blue-and-green "Seattle Mix" Skittles, SUDDENLY YOU CARE ABOUT CANDY!!! Now? Oh yeah?? SHUT UP. I've been here, for 29 years, LIVING IT. Did you choke down a bag of Chocolate Skittles when they came out? What about the mint ones? Hmm?? Gross! I bet Mr. Lynch didn't even even suffer through the Skittles gum disaster of the mid-2000s. You couldn't not swallow it.

Ugh, or maybe he did, and we should combine our powers for good instead of needlessly feuding. Sorry Marsh, we're cool now, save me some of those Seahawks Skittles.

Taste the middle one.
  • Taste the middle one.
Anyway, before football so rudely interrupted my winter, I came across something I was going to tell you about anyway, the holy Skittle grail: DESSERT SKITTLES. Yes, they make a kind of Skittle called Dessert Skittles, which is redundant, but whatever, they are delightful. I came across the Dessert option on a recent sugar adventure that started with Skittles Blenders, which are just okay—they're boring and taste too much like the Smoothies variety they had for a while. (And the "two-flavors-in-one" thing is a scam since everything becomes one flavor once it's in your mouth.) I also gave the Skittles Darkside a try, those are maybe my least favorite of the options going on at the Shell Station or QFC right now—reeeeally chemically, and I have a sneaking suspicion they only put them on the market so people would stop whining about the lime situation (they replaced the lime Skittles in the Original bag with green apple; Darkside still has the same exact lime, although it's called "midnight lime").

So, back to Dessert. Always back to Dessert. They come in five flavors, which I’ll list in deliciousness order: raspberry sorbet, strawberry milkshake, orange cream, key lime pie, and blueberry tart. They taste surprisingly accurate to their name; good if separated and eaten by color, but also good if you rip the bag open and pour it over your head, football-player style.


Comments (24) RSS

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wisepunk 1
I had a green skittle last night for the first time and we were all kind of freaked out that they were no longer lime flavored.
Posted by wisepunk on January 30, 2014 at 4:39 PM · Report this
Excellent job linking to the Breitbart. Comments are hilarious.

"Treyvon tested. Treyvon approved."
Posted by Bhamjason on January 30, 2014 at 4:41 PM · Report this
This sounds awesome.

@1: They're back to apple again? I stopped buying them for a while, then when they went back to lime, I got some again, but if they're back to apple.............

Green apple candy flavor is one of the worst things known to man.
Posted by Hanoumatoi on January 30, 2014 at 4:47 PM · Report this
Emily Nokes 4
@2 - Yikes. Relinked to "For the Win" USA Today site. Article comes with a Skittles selfie.
Posted by Emily Nokes on January 30, 2014 at 4:52 PM · Report this
Unregistered User 5
You forgot sour skittles
Posted by Unregistered User on January 30, 2014 at 4:58 PM · Report this
Masi 6
I'm just bout that action Remix boss.
Posted by Masi on January 30, 2014 at 4:58 PM · Report this
Fnarf 7
I can't believe you didn't mention the "Marshawn Lynch inspired" Beast Mode Hot Skittles Sausage that's been making the rounds. Yeah, really, sausage with Skittles in it.

We're going to see the remnants of a lot of this stuff in puddles of vomit on Sunday, win or lose.

Posted by Fnarf on January 30, 2014 at 5:03 PM · Report this
Emily Nokes 8
@5 - Sadly, I had to leave out my opinions on Sours, Crazy Cores, Fizzl'd Fruits, and Ice Cream Treats because there's not even enough space, even on the internet.

@7 - Believe it sir. The integrity of my column will not be tainted by such monstrosities. Skittles limited-edition Vomit.
Posted by Emily Nokes on January 30, 2014 at 5:17 PM · Report this
TomJohnsonJr 9
I have tried very hard to learn to like Skittles even a little. People I love love Skittles. I just can't.
Posted by TomJohnsonJr on January 30, 2014 at 5:22 PM · Report this
McBomber 10
Beast mode and Skittles, explained by SCIENCE!:…
Posted by McBomber on January 30, 2014 at 5:41 PM · Report this
rob! 11
Posted by rob! on January 30, 2014 at 6:12 PM · Report this
rob! 12
(Skeptical that anything can come between me and Starbursts, but gotta try.)
Posted by rob! on January 30, 2014 at 6:13 PM · Report this
DickDave 13
I like the Wild Berry SkittlesĀ® best. Several years ago, they tossed a few secret (not very), special (yes, very!) Candy-apple skittles into each bag. They were a pleasing shade of apple-flesh cream and honestly the tastiest SkittlesĀ® ever concocted on God's lime green earth. Sadly, I must have been the only person who liked them because, as far as I know, the flavor's never made a reappearance.

As for the regular Wild Berry SkittlesĀ®, the strawberry and melonberry (??) are best when eaten together.
Posted by DickDave on January 30, 2014 at 6:24 PM · Report this
Y'know whats colorful like skittles, but deelishous like eggs?

Cadbury's Mini Eggs.

Jus sayin.
Posted by Foonken2 on January 30, 2014 at 8:18 PM · Report this
Skittles Gum: "Ya can't not swallow it!"

This shoulda been their official slogan
Posted by Kelly O on January 30, 2014 at 9:31 PM · Report this
@14: True.
Posted by Hanoumatoi on January 30, 2014 at 10:49 PM · Report this
Schmapdi 17
@1 - I feel your pain. I used to love Skittles - but then they changed the green Skittle to sour apple and ruined the whole damn bag.

Lime Skittles were never the best skittle to begin with, but they'd at least blend well with the others. Sour apple is offensively bad forcing me to eat around them. I've just stopped getting them altogether now.
Posted by Schmapdi on January 30, 2014 at 11:54 PM · Report this
SchmuckyTheCat 18
Both sour apple and lime are delicious flavors of green.

Totes unimpressed, but still likable, on the dessert Skittles.

The nastiest flavor candy anywhere is cherry starburst.
Posted by SchmuckyTheCat on January 31, 2014 at 12:18 AM · Report this
Matt from Denver 19
I tried those "darkside" ones once. They weren't good, and I'm not inclined to try the others. For me, skittles are about the flavor. Yeah it's industrial-processed to the hilt, but those fruit flavors are about the best you'll find in a mass produced candy. The texture is secondary, and getting different flavors isn't an attraction to me.

The best thing is skittle-flavored jellybeans.
Posted by Matt from Denver on January 31, 2014 at 8:09 AM · Report this
Skittle used to have Vitamin C in em.
Posted by Arturo Bandini on January 31, 2014 at 8:58 AM · Report this
OMG Skittles Gum. I ingested like a whole pack of that damn stuff. Did you ever try Carnival Skittles? They came in Bubble Gum, Candy Apple, Cotton Candy, Liquorice (like Red Vine-type), adn Green Slushy flavors. They were an abomination.
Posted by sugar7898 on January 31, 2014 at 9:05 AM · Report this
deepeyes 22
Sour Skittles are awesome, although they will make you feel like your mouth was raped by steel wool.
Posted by deepeyes on January 31, 2014 at 9:16 AM · Report this
Emily Nokes 23
@13 - I love those too! I think Tropical win for my "utra-fave" though, but Wild Berry is a close second for sure. Maybe a tie.


@21 - Ugh, yes, so disgusting! And I tried them when they only had the huge bags for sale :(
Posted by Emily Nokes on January 31, 2014 at 10:07 AM · Report this
stonato 24
There is no way I can condone Marshawn Lynch's use of performance enhancing candies, unless they are Jolly Ranchers. Allowing the inapropriate application of Peeps outside of easter baskets is just as appalling. This world is insane.
Posted by stonato on March 28, 2014 at 12:44 PM · Report this

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