We're observing Slog silence until 11 a.m. while we have an editorial meeting, but look! We made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you!
1. This week, supposedly in anticipation of Valentine's Day, Stranger staffers share romantic (and unromantic) autobiographical stories about memorable dinners they shared. So we learn that BRENDAN KILEY got engaged with pearls rather than a diamond ring, that ANSEL HERZ frequents tourist destinations (and then proceeds to trespass at them), that BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT shared crabs with a lover, that DANIELLE HENDERSON has been to England, that EMILY NOKES doesn't like to eat much of anything, and that ANNA MINARD doesn't like to leave the house.
a. Now that you know Stranger writers are human beings who attempt to have human relationships, do you have more or less sympathy for their foibles than you did when you perceived them as drug-addicted mouthpieces for unions and revolutionaries?
b. Was this so-called feature package supposed to be at all appetizing? How long will it be before you manage to eat again, with all the images of Stranger staffers attempting to copulate with other human beings burned into your cerebral cortex?
2. MEGAN SELING takes the opportunity of the Super Bowl to continue her long-standing feud with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Surely when you were a teenager, you became obsessed with hatred toward a popular music act. This is understandable—it's one of our rites of passage, a way to demonstrate your evolving tastes by demarcating what you are not. Why is Seling still apparently stuck at the emotional age of 13? Why does she still try to rationalize her hatred of one of rock history's most solid bands (and one of our most vivacious live performers) with a string of immature insults?
3. SPIKE FRIEDMAN writes a "sports column" that is just a timeline of jokes about what to do on Super Bowl Sunday. Do you believe The Stranger will continue this tedious fair-weather appreciation of sports next week just to keep up the charade, or will sports suddenly cease to exist for The Stranger as soon as the Super Bowl is over, no matter what the outcome is?
4. CHARLES MUDEDE, who has written extensively about pigeon feet, appreciates a European "thriller" about storks in the film section. The review includes the following sentence: "After the fucking, the birds leave to Africa." Has there ever been a more Mudedean sentence than this one? If so, please share the sentence that you believe better distills Mudede's childlike appreciation of animals, his obsession with genitalia, and his boring tendency to bring everything back to his birth continent of Africa. Don't forget to cite the issue number and headline of the sentence according to MLA style!