1. In this issue's feature story, CIENNA MADRID details her experiences living in a small cabin perched atop the carcasses of dead animals in a small park filled with copulating homeless people, used condoms, and rats' nests. Though the story is purportedly true, Madrid is obviously making some of this up, isn't she? Can you think of a single worse advertisement for employment at The Stranger than the thought of Madrid living in a garbage heap in the middle of a field of refuse and misery?
2. In the news section, GOLDY makes a shockingly useful suggestion: that Seattle City Light build a city-owned fiber-optic system to provide broadband service to citizens of Seattle. It's an intelligent, considered argument. Since he obviously did not think of it himself, who do you believe fed this article to Goldy? Was it a union representative who would financially benefit from the plan? Someone who works for City Light?
4a. This week, for the first time in its history, The Stranger has a sports section. For years, Stranger writers have prided themselves on the fact that they didn't care about sports—but now that a local sports team is overwhelmingly adored, they have published a cheerleader-y array of pieces including an appreciative piece about a Seahawk's fingertips, professional sports photography, and a column of sports gossip. Was this decision a financially inspired one, or is The Stranger staffed with lemmings? Do they expect us to suddenly forgive and forget the paper's long history of anti-sports bias?
4b. On a scale of gayness, from "barely gay at all" to "too gay to function as a human being," how gay would you rate this issue of The Stranger? Does the inclusion of sports make it less gay, just gay enough, or possibly too gay?
5. What's more disgusting: reading PAUL CONSTANT's writing about chicken wings or picturing Paul Constant eating chicken wings? What self-respecting newspaper would publish this gory monstrosity of a piece in its restaurant review section? When do you think you will be able to eat again without the thought of this story bubbling up your esophagus against your will?