I'm a long time reader and fan of your column, but I have yet to hear about anything like my problem in all my reading experience. I've drafted this email and given up about six times but I know I have to send it to avoid something even more nerve-racking than writing this. Ok. Apologies for the gross. Here goes:

I'm a 17-year-old bisexual girl. I'm relatively sexually experienced, although I haven't had many serious/long term relationships. As a result of this, only one of the people I've been with was able to make me orgasm. By myself, I'm quite efficient at it, but I figure the combination of inexperience and lack of total comfort with my partners isn't exactly conducive to my finishing. This seems logical and doesn't really bother me. I figure when I'm close enough with someone again, it'll be easy enough to teach them how to make me come.

My problem is something I've encountered on my own. Sometimes, when I orgasm, I shit a little (ew). I figure it makes sense since orgasm is a release of tension but it grosses me out. Even so, I could handle this if it were guaranteed to just happen by myself. The thing I'm really worried about is this happening with someone else. I haven't met anyone I'm interested in recently, but I'm pretty ready to start a real relationship when I do and I'm really scared. I don't even want to think about what would happen if I did this when I was with someone. I've read loads of "embarrassing sex stories" and pretty much the worst that happens is someone farts. Oh man, the horror. Nothing nearly as bad as shitting. I'm beginning to feel like I might be the only person with this problem. I usually feel sexier and even empowered after I masturbate but this is really messing me up and the future scenarios terrify me. Is there any way this is a medical condition? What can I do to make this stop, or at least insure it never happens with anyone else?

Real Shitty Problem

My response after the jump...

Full disclosure: I have a migraine and didn't get any sleep last night and I took a painkiller two hours ago and I probably shouldn't be operating an advice-column in my condition. And away we go...

Your orgasms aren't just a release of tension, RSP. They're a series of rhythmic muscular contractions that slam your vagina, your uterus, your pelvic muscles—and your anal sphincters. So when you come, RSP, your 17-year-old bi butthole is clenching and unclenching while the muscles that surround your rectum—the part of your bowels where your shit is stored—contract and release, contract and release, contract and release.

So my bestest, most informed, painkiller-smeared guess as to why you sometimes "shit a little (ew)" when you come is this, RSP: There's still some shit in your ass when you get off the toilet. You aren't completely emptying your bowels, my fair lady. You're crawling into bed with a small amount of crap just inside your rectum. It might help to think of those orgasm-induced shits like non-Christians after the Rapture: they've been left behind! (Or it might not.) And your anal sphincter and pelvic muscles, in the throws of orgasm, are forcing those left behind turds out of your ass and onto your sheets.

Two solutions: get a whole lot more fiber in your diet, RSP, which should lead to firmer stools (bigger, harder, longer turds), regular bowel movements (timing is everything), and no more left-behind heathen turds lurking behind your asshole. If fiber alone doesn't do the trick, RSP, pretend you're a gay power bottom and invest in an industrial-strength anal douche bulb. (Here's a random instructional video I found on YouTube about anal douching. I haven't watched the video myself, RSP, because I'm on an airplane, but it has nearly 50K views... so you know it's gotta be good, right?)

Nothing will set your mind at ease about partnered sex faster than a few dozen shit-free masturbation sessions after you've boosted your fiber intake and/or started douching your ass. Good luck!