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Monday, January 13, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Need to Know

Posted by on Mon, Jan 13, 2014 at 1:01 PM

Originally posted on November 4, 2010.

I have a bit of a situation. I'm a 23-year-old het male, and I am married. My wife and I have a girlfriend now, making our arrangement a polyamorous triad. We all love each other, and we are getting to the point that we are thinking about how we are going to tell our parents about our relationship.

My parents have already been told. My mother was bemused and amazed, my father gave me a high five. But my parents are divorced/remarried atheists, and by the time I was 12, my dad was teaching me how to eat pussy.

My wife's family is super Southern Baptist, while our girlfriend's mother is a big ol' bag of crazy: She was a physically abusive nut job who beat her children with a Bible attached to a rope.

Should we even bother disclosing to either of their sets of Bible-beating parents? To give you an even better idea about who my mother-in-law is: I'm a recovering addict (two years sober), and after I told her that in confidence, she used it against me the first chance she got (called me a thieving junkie). She's a hypocritical, judgmental bitch, but my wife feels like she needs her approval.

If we shouldn't disclose, then how do we deal with things like family holidays? Is not disclosing a sign that either my wife or girlfriend is ashamed of the life we lead?

Not Telling The Whole Truth

My response after the jump...

You don't mention how long you've been in this poly triad, NTTWT, but seeing as you're only 23 and were already married before you met the girlfriend, you can't have been in this poly triad for very long. And while it's nice that you have such an open and honest relationship with your parents—perhaps a little too open (I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my father for not teaching me how to eat pussy when I was 12)—your wife and your girlfriend aren't similarly blessed.

For that reason, I'm gonna advise against disclosing the true nature of your relationship(s) for the time being, NTTWT. Not because you have anything to be ashamed of—you most certainly do not—but because relationships with parents are best run on a need-to-know basis.

And it doesn't sound like your wife's parents need to know—not yet. This triad is new, and like most romantic relationships, it may not stand the test of time. For the moment, introduce your girlfriend as a friend; if your MIL is curious about why you're all living together, say something vague about the economy. If it turns out that your triad is one for the ages, NTTWT, then you can come out to your MIL and weather the judgmental shitstorm.

As for the girlfriend's mother, NTTWT, it doesn't sound like that woman has a right to know anything about her daughter's life.

All that said, NTTWT, I do think loving, committed nonmonogamous couples should be open with their families, if only to prove to people that loving, committed nonmonogamous couples exist. I'm not encouraging you to be closeted, just strategic. Your wife's family is more likely to be accepting if they perceive your marriage as not just loving, but lasting. Give it a few years, NTTWT, and then, whether the current girlfriend is still in the picture or not, your wife can let her mother know—as matter-of-factly as possible—that you're poly.


Comments (24) RSS

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Banna 1
Why would you ever want to tell crazy bible people about something that would drive them crazy except for the drama (and possibly revenge)?
Posted by Banna on January 13, 2014 at 1:16 PM · Report this
Just think Dan--if your father had taught you how to eat pussy at age 12, you too might be a recovering addict!
Posted by LML on January 13, 2014 at 1:18 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 3
i really feel for this guy.
Posted by Max Solomon on January 13, 2014 at 1:28 PM · Report this
I would dearly like a followup, mainly to see how everyone is doing. One person was a teenage drug addict who thankfully sobered up by age 21. One person was physically abused as a child. One was raised by a "hypocritical, judgemental bitch" from whom she still wants approval. Romantic relationship aside, these are all individuals on the mend. I hope they're all doing much better since 2010.
Posted by wxPDX on January 13, 2014 at 1:29 PM · Report this
I hope Wife got into therapy to learn to deal with her abusive mom and the fact that she will never get her mom's approval of anything the mom didn't want. Grownups don't need their parents approval. Especially of their sex lives.
Posted by BG on January 13, 2014 at 1:45 PM · Report this
Eudaemonic 6
I'm with #4; it sounds like everybody involved has a lot of baggage to deal with. I hope they managed.
Posted by Eudaemonic on January 13, 2014 at 1:57 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 7
Good advice. Same thing I was thinking, why the hell do you need - or even want - to tell your parents?
Posted by Urgutha Forka on January 13, 2014 at 2:12 PM · Report this
RTam 8
Why did I pick today to click on the unregistered comments? *sigh*
Posted by RTam on January 13, 2014 at 2:16 PM · Report this
I'm with @9. Let sleeping unregistered comments lie.

Sounds like these folks were taking a lot on. Wish we had an update.
Posted by rca on January 13, 2014 at 2:26 PM · Report this
...and for the record, teaching your kid to eat pussy at age 12 (for any value of "teaching") is not an example of good parenting.
Posted by rca on January 13, 2014 at 2:29 PM · Report this
Um, how exactly does one teach their kid how to eat pussy? I hope he misspoke and his dad rather taught him that he *should* eat pussy.

Maybe they used a cut open papaya. Or one of those sex ed vulvas stolen from a doctor's office.
Posted by sahara29 on January 13, 2014 at 2:49 PM · Report this
Why have anything to do with any of the parents in question? When an unscrupulous Southern Baptist is the best of the bunch, the triad would probably fare better moving as far away as possible and just sending the occasional card.

I don't think Mr Savage pere is quite in the category of someone who'd have done this had he thought of it, although, given the exploits of Mr Savage frere, I would not bet on this being beyond reasonable doubt.
Posted by vennominon on January 13, 2014 at 2:55 PM · Report this
-B- 13
If you have a need to tell your parents about your personal "ADULT" life then maybe you are still living the life of a child, a "free" child but still a child seeming to want some acceptance from an abusive parent. Which seems to me dysfunctional and in need of changing.

Even the high five accepting parent doesn't make the way the girlfriend is being accepted good. A high five!? Really!?

The other form of acceptance being sought is unnecessary if you are a fully functioning adult. Some abusive manipulative parents just don't deserve their kids future if they are still abusive. Move on have a great time enjoying your youth along with all the relationships that will come and go and keep away from the fucking kill joy creepy parents.
Posted by -B- on January 13, 2014 at 3:06 PM · Report this
7: "why the hell do you need - or even want - to tell your parents? "

I assume for the same reason that LGBT people tell their parents about their "personal 'ADULT' lives". If you're living with someone and in a relationship with them it's hardly unreasonable, or a cry for attention, or a symptom of a child desperate for approval, to want to let them know about it.
Posted by kindsight on January 13, 2014 at 3:24 PM · Report this
If the girlfriend is coming to family holiday dinners, you can tell your folks that she's all alone, with no local family. That'll work for a year. After that, you'll have a better idea about whether this will last, and if it's worth it to tell the folks.
Posted by clashfan on January 13, 2014 at 3:30 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 16
@14: I'm sure they meant why it was seen as a good thing by the other participants that the physically/mentally abused were seeking the attentions of a "big ol' bag of crazy".
Posted by undead ayn rand on January 13, 2014 at 3:35 PM · Report this
laterite 17
LW's high-fiving dad makes me think of Adam Sandler in "That's My Boy".
Posted by laterite on January 13, 2014 at 4:17 PM · Report this
I went through this about a year ago, although the parents involved were far less extreme on all sides. I have never told my parents about my non-monogamous bedroom activities, but when someone is your romantic partner for over a year, not being out to close family seems closeted and counter productive.

Good luck!
Posted by fricktor on January 13, 2014 at 4:33 PM · Report this

come on darling

you know you love it
Posted by hurry back on January 13, 2014 at 7:40 PM · Report this
and, dude; the comment was so fucking AWESOME they deleted it without even leaving a trace. throwing the number count off.
major censorship black ops operation, Keck. pussy.
Posted by next time don't leave any witnesses, dumbass. on January 13, 2014 at 10:07 PM · Report this
I had no idea "Bible-thumping" was taken so literally.

If you believe the Jesus is so awesome and all that, isn't it disrespectful to use the record of his teachings as a mace?
Posted by beccoid on January 14, 2014 at 12:19 PM · Report this
@11 Maybe they just dropped a canned ham...
Posted by Chllr on January 14, 2014 at 9:19 PM · Report this
Yeah, I stopped introducing my family to anyone I was interested in after they fucked up with my first boyfriend. It probably did a lot to encourage the fear that I was gay, but it was worth it. Seriously, if your family can't treat your outside relationships with respect than you owe it to your partner or partners not to drag them through that kind of bullshit. Unless it's about the kids (present or hypothetical) spending time with their grandparents. That's a whole different ballgame.
Posted by Really Now... on January 14, 2014 at 11:33 PM · Report this
Dirtclustit 24
This is really one fucked up story, complete with some fucked up advice to boot. And just taking it at face value --- without translating all the jargon like "physically abusive nut job who beat her children with a Bible attached to a rope." --- it is a perfect example of typical hypocritical bullshit of the "holier than thou" attitude of the dipshits on the alternative/other-side of the fence. The attitude of the holier than thou alternatives, angry atheists, and all others who give polyamorists an undeserved bad name

Calling someone a "super Southern Baptist" is equivalent to calling someone a cock-sucking faggot, and only a male would not understand this fact, as I am sure NitWit is blind to it.

Lets recap dipshit's story, shall we?

For some fucked up reason, he seems to praise the person who may have sexually abused him, while condemning the people who did nothing to him. Unless he conveniently forgot to tell us he was a very early bloomer and left out 90% of the so-called sex ed, the lesson plan was taught by an seemingly chauvinistic pig.

As for the other parents, calling a thieving junkie, a "thieving junkie" is just calling it as they see it, if he really didn't exhibit any thieving junkie behavior, what the fuck does being a Baptist have to do with anything? Sounds a lot like the same dipshit attitude those who assume all non-monogamists are as clueless as nit wit in regards to healthy relationships.

Everything he mentions about that wife and girlfriend's parents sounds like bullshit stereotyping and spreading of vague rumors and assumptions. If I had to make a decision, going off only the information given here, the only people I would tell to go fuck themselves is the hypocritical, rumor mongering loudmouth who goes by the acronym NTTWTT and his apparently abusive father

What is all this shit about the "whole truth" ?

Where is the partial truth this dipshit implies?

Did either set of parents ask?

Because if they did not, then this whole entire big bag of bullshit is all due to dipshit nitwit shaming hisself, and needing to blame others for his failures of behaving like a responsible Human Being.

This asshole's story is a good example of the denial that runs rampant in my country. For some fucked up reason it appears the majority of The People prefer to deny the Truth, rather than address it. It's the result of people who think they are enlightened, but in reality are the standard run-of-th-mill idiot hypocritical abusive loud mouths who happen to have alternative relationships as well as the idiot hypocritical abusive loud mouths who happen to be religious and maybe even the idiot hypocritical abusive loud mouths who happen to be homosexual

all of whom --- under no uncertain circumstances --- should be told "GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
Posted by Dirtclustit on January 15, 2014 at 10:54 AM · Report this

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