For those who are sad that the year-end news quizzes are past, here’s one to start 2014: If you have joined a church that preaches a Tulip theology, does that mean a) the pastor bakes flowers into the communion wafers, b) the pastor believes that flowers that rise again every spring symbolize the resurrection, or c) the pastor is a Calvinist?
As an increasing number of Christians know, the answer is “c.” The acronym summarizes John Calvin’s so-called doctrines of grace, with their emphasis on sinfulness and predestination. The T is for man’s Total Depravity. The U is for Unconditional Election, which means that God has already decided who will be saved, without regard to any condition in them, or anything they can do to earn their salvation.... Increasing numbers of preachers and professors teach the views of the 16th-century French reformer. Mark Driscoll, John Piper and Tim Keller—megachurch preachers and important evangelical authors—are all Calvinist.
Driscoll is a nobody who wants to tell everybody about Somebody—Jesus!—who already knows who's going to heaven and who's going to hell. There's literally nothing you can do on earth that will change your fate. You're either going to heaven or you're not. Period. The End. Amen. Accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior won't save you, good works won't save you, sitting in a Ballard warehouse that was "consecrated" by a sexist asshole and listening to him tell you that you're doing marriage, sex, gender roles, etc., etc., etc., all wrong—that won't save you either. If Driscoll is right about Calvinism and Unconditional Election, then spending your Sunday afternoons in a church, any church, is a huge waste of your time.
Driscoll also believes—no, he knows! he's a nobody who knows!—that most Christians are going to hell. Always check the fine print: the wrong kinds of Christians go to hell with all the non-Christians, of course, but even most of the Christians wasting their time in Discroll's own churches are going to hell. Only a tiny, select number of folks—already chosen by our loving father—go to heaven. The rest are condemned—by that same loving father—to an eternity in hell. Praise the lord!