What the hell do I have to regret? I’m a fucking awesome mayor—elected by the great people of Toronto and never missed a day of work in my life. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes like everybody else. Maybe sometimes I buy illegal drugs and drive drunk and smoke crack on videotape and then lie strenuously about never smoking crack on videotape until eventually I have to admit that, yes, of course I smoked crack on videotape, explaining that I only did it because I was in a drunken stupor. I never said I was perfect! Maybe you are, but I’m not! I’m a flesh-and-blood mayor, and I’ll be goddamned if I let the treasonous fucks on the city council ignore the will of the great Toronto electorate. They will pry this “Mayor” sash from my cold, dead corpse!

As I was saying, I’m only human. That means I’m not perfect. And I bet you aren’t either. So who are you to judge me? Tell you what—if you’re lucky enough to reach the end of your life without drunken-stupor crack-smoking, or bragging about eating your wife’s pussy at a press conference and then apologizing about using the phrase “eat pussy” at a follow-up press conference, or being caught on video ranting drunkenly about someone you want to kill, or knocking over a councilwoman during a City Hall freak-out and splitting her lip, THEN you can judge me! Until that day, I’ll bask in a mayoral job well done, and you can kiss my crack-smoking ass!