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Thursday, December 19, 2013

SLLOTD: WWDSD?

Posted by on Thu, Dec 19, 2013 at 2:35 PM

Originally posted on November 18, 2010

I'm a straight guy. My former roommate, also a straight guy, calls all his ex-girlfriends "fucking bitches." He went on a date with a neighbor. He told me that she was a "fucking bitch" and that she drunk-dialed him several times at 3:00 a.m. She told me, unprompted, that he drunk-dialed her at 3:00 a.m. after she refused to have sex with him.

Do I have any obligation to warn women about him? My friends and I were debating this hypothetically until two days ago, when I saw him on a date with a woman I know. Do I tell her what a douche this guy is?

What Would Dan Do?

My response after the jump...

If this douche weren't so transparent—if women didn't see through him instantly—Dan would feel obligated to warn his female friends. But as this douche is transparent, WWDD, Dan wouldn't feel obligated to warn women away. Don't get Dan wrong: Dan would still warn anyone he knew who (1) has a pussy and (2) isn't a crazy bitch, because Dan's a meddling douche. But Dan wouldn't feel obligated. So it's your call, WWDD.

 

Comments (26) RSS

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nocutename 1
And Dan's also the Queen, I guess, because he refers to himself in the third person. Good answer, your Majesty!
Posted by nocutename on December 19, 2013 at 2:49 PM · Report this
unknown_entity 2
To me it depends on the relationship you have with the women before they go on a date with your roommate. If she is a friend, a co-worker, or someone who you interact with regularly, give them a warning. If you don't know the woman (e.g. he met her online) or you met her through your roommate, then it would actually be weird for you to intervene.
Posted by unknown_entity on December 19, 2013 at 2:57 PM · Report this
3
Yeah this douche is transparent. However if someone wanted to drop some warnings anyway I'd go less for the pulling someone aside for a personal warning and more for calling him out (as gently or harshly as you'd prefer) in a group or if he's brought up. Think, "that thing you said was kinda douchey, dude" or "what's up with [douche] always calling women fucking bitches?" That way the person you're trying to warn doesn't feel lectured to... I know I'm not the only one who has that knee jerk reaction, even if I ultimately agree with the warning.
Posted by neverdidlikeyou on December 19, 2013 at 3:10 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 4
@2,

I agree. I also think it's just a nice thing to give fair warning. I mean, sure, apparently the women this asshole dates can see through him pretty easily, but most women would rather not suffer the company of an unrepentant asshole. In particular, there's that awkward moment in a date when you realize you can't stand the other person, but it's considered impolite to run out of the bar screaming.
Posted by keshmeshi on December 19, 2013 at 3:11 PM · Report this
5
@1 I think it's because the LW signed using the name "What Would Dan Do?"
Posted by bija on December 19, 2013 at 3:41 PM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 6
Quoth @2:
If you don't know the woman (e.g. he met her online) or you met her through your roommate, then it would actually be weird for you to intervene.

What if you're an inadvertent accomplice to the roommate's assholery?

I have a cousin I'll call "Dave." Dave is the classic sociopathic boyfriend: he charms women into supporting him with stories of his "big break" just around the corner, then abandons them as soon as they see through his shit, catch him cheating, and/or get pregnant. Dave also has a habit of bringing his latest girlfriend to family gatherings, where the rest of us are actually decent people with kids, steady jobs, etc. I have no doubt Dave does this so that she thinks he has a nice, settled family and is thus a "good guy."

After the fourth or so jilted girlfriend, the rest of us have informally debated whether we can warn future girls off. The consensus so far is just what you said: since we're meeting her through Dave, it's weird to intervene. For my part, I've started "accidentally" calling the latest girl by a former girl's name or asking Dave how kid X is doing. I don't get introduced to the latest girl anymore. :)

I guess my point is that the "hands off" approach is unsatisfying when you're being used as a prop in a con. It's possible that the WWDD is in a similar scenario.
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on December 19, 2013 at 4:31 PM · Report this
Anne18 7
@3 is right. Why tip-toe around this guy? Why not call him out for saying dick things, instead of tacitly (by your silence) encouraging them? The world would be a better place if dudes didn't tolerate this kind of behavior from their douche-bro friends.
Posted by Anne18 on December 19, 2013 at 4:35 PM · Report this
seandr 8
Wow, this "douche" sure does seem to get a lot of girlfriends and dates.
Posted by seandr on December 19, 2013 at 5:15 PM · Report this
9
It's nice if friends call someone on their complaint that, "Every person I ever dated turned out to be a (fucking bitch/controlling asshole/shriner)!" and point out that the common factor is them.

I'm reminded of Dan's assertion that it's fine to have a friend who's an asshole, people get that, but embarrassing to have a romantic partner who's an asshole: that makes you pathetic.

@6: Okay, that's freaky. I'd say your "Joey! So this is April! No? Oh, okay. Hey, how's little Stevie doing? And his mom?" is the right approach and should be adopted by the entire family.
Posted by IPJ on December 19, 2013 at 5:30 PM · Report this
10
There are a couple of trending news pieces about women being chronically tricked by social /stuff/ into distrusting their own emotions/gut feelings. Sometimes, you suspect you're with a jerk but you don't trust your own gut, and an outsider saying "yeah, that guy's a jerk" can mean you leave sooner rather than later.
Posted by wxPDX on December 19, 2013 at 5:30 PM · Report this
11
@8: In your experience confident, reasonably attractive young people getting first dates is not a thing if they're also kinda assholish on further acquaintance?
Posted by IPJ on December 19, 2013 at 5:34 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 12
A lot of women like dating losers like that guy.

Mind your own business and let them figure it out on their own.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on December 19, 2013 at 9:10 PM · Report this
DAVIDinKENAI 13
What would I do? I'd get a higher grade of room mate. This can't be the only douchey (scrotumy) thing he does.

Wouldn't an ideal room mate be someone you could go for drinks with, be each other's wing men, and who might hook you up with dates sometimes? It sounds like WWDD's room mate is none of those.
Posted by DAVIDinKENAI on December 19, 2013 at 9:27 PM · Report this
seatackled 14
@13

Well, the LW did call the former roommate his former roommate, so he probably did get a higher grade, unless in the past three years, they moved in together again.
Posted by seatackled on December 19, 2013 at 9:46 PM · Report this
15
@1: Bzzzzt. The Queen does not refer to herself in the third person. She refers to herself in first person plural: "We are not amused."
Posted by Swobbie on December 19, 2013 at 11:25 PM · Report this
16
I with 3 and 7 - better to call him out when he says the douchey things in general. Otherwise, he might suspect you of cock-blocking for your own nefarious purposes... then again, if that gets him to move out, all the better.
Posted by MemeGene on December 20, 2013 at 3:31 AM · Report this
Tim Horton 17
Need to know the ages of the LW and roomate. If they are 18-19, it's douchy but they will probably grow out of it.

But either way, MYOB.
Posted by Tim Horton on December 20, 2013 at 6:08 AM · Report this
Dirtclustit 18
if dickhead is trying to get with your sister or cousin, yes meddle
Posted by Dirtclustit on December 20, 2013 at 6:58 AM · Report this
19
Seriously? Stop associating yourself with a total asshole. And when you do have to be around this dude (social circles being what they are) then *tell* him he's a jackass and the women who date him are *right* to dump his sorry ass.

And it's been said (once) but it apparently can't be said enough - dudes, women have to call men out on their hateful bullshit all the time, it's just riskier for us to do so, so often we'll save it for a safe environment, like griping about assholes we've come across *to other women* who aren't likely to aggress upon us. (We get called bitches either way.)

Straight dudes pretty much do not have this problem. So for fuck's sake, if you are a dude, USE YOUR PRIVILEGE FOR GOOD and not evil/silence. When you hear other dudes using hateful language and attitudes towards women, FUCKING CALL THEM ON IT. The world changes faster if we're all on Team Hey Let's All Socially Support Less Hateful Shit. Christ.

This has to be spelled out, in the current century, how depressing is that?
Posted by happyhedonist on December 20, 2013 at 7:10 AM · Report this
nocutename 20
@15: Ooooh: You're so right. Whoops, mea culpa!
Posted by nocutename on December 20, 2013 at 7:18 AM · Report this
Eudaemonic 21
If he's an asshole and it bothers you, tell him he's an asshole. Be specific as to when and how. If it doesn't help, dump the asshole. The women involved seem to have figured out that's the best course of action, and you should too.

If he's dating a friend of yours who you know wouldn't want to date him if she knew him, and you know is too stupid to evaluate whether such an obvious douche is a douche, then tell her. But you probably don't have any friends who are that stupid, unless you're a teenager, and it's not your job to make their decisions for them anyway; that right is theirs.

If you are a teenager, then you're watching one guy and several girls learn that being a douche is stupid and how to spot a douche, respectively. Don't interfere; everyone involved will find this experience invaluable, later on. So will you; you're learning how to handle a douche. Do it by telling him he's a douche whenever he's being a douche.
Posted by Eudaemonic on December 20, 2013 at 7:50 AM · Report this
22
@3,7,16,19,&21

I think you all might be underestimating the age-old and somewhat ritualized dynamic of dudes resorting to violence.

Unless if you're interested in fighting asshole after asshole, it's better not to go around calling dudes assholes.

That said, it seems to take someone pretty committed to their assholery to make it personal when the assholish behavior is treated like some freak and unexpected phenomena somewhat removed from the asshole in question, sort of like one might comment on the unacceptable nature of a fart and even call for an apology from the asshole in question, without making it a character failing.

It's a subtle distinction and perhaps I misunderstood which side of it some of you were on, but I thought it worth clarifying what people are asking for, before someone starts asking for it.
Posted by Worse When Mistaken For Male Mate Competition on December 20, 2013 at 12:00 PM · Report this
23
Dude! You seemed to have forgotten the new-found idea that men need to hold other men accountable for their actions. Like, you know, to PREVENT RAPE. Warn the girls, sure. But mostly try to encourage this guy to stop being an asshole!!
Posted by SmallTownMainer on December 21, 2013 at 4:58 AM · Report this
Ophian 24
Yeesh, Slog is pretty thin this week. It's almost like Dan has other things to do.

My congratulations to Utah nonetheless.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/21/us/uta…
Posted by Ophian on December 21, 2013 at 11:28 AM · Report this
25
Fuck the content.

If re-runs stay top of page for days, you need to face the fact that you don't have time for SLOG anymore.

Stop pretending.
Posted by Usuckinabadway on December 23, 2013 at 10:41 AM · Report this
26
People in general shoot the messenger even if its helpful & honest truth about people or things.....
Posted by woodin on January 1, 2014 at 8:22 AM · Report this

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