Set me straight. I married my wife several months ago after dating three years. Things are generally excellent, except for one problem: When my wife gets drunk, she gets crazy flirtatious. She'll dance close to people, touch them, hold hands. A couple of times, I thought it went too far and I told her so. She claims it is just harmless and she would never let anything happen.
Well, as it turns out, something did happen. After getting kissed on the cheek by a woman I think was a lesbian at a recent party, it came out during the subsequent argument that in year two of our relationship, she was high and dancing at a club with several gay men and she French-kissed one of the friends. While she acknowledges that a line was crossed (which is why she didn't tell me when it happened), she says it was just a very intense but regrettable "friendship moment" and nothing more. She says this gay man is not bi.
I'm grappling with three issues: (1) Did she cheat? Although we've never talked about the rules concerning kissing gay friends, we both know she crossed a line (there was tongue). (2) How much did she betray me by not telling me until after we were married? (3) Am I being a selfish prude by caring about either her aggressive flirting or this kiss? She is very contrite and swears she will calm down the flirtation. Should I forgive her and move on? Or should I run the hell away before it's too late?
Seriously Troubled Here
My response after the jump...
2. Your wife's failure to disclose a single drugged-up, blissed-out, pre-exchange-of-vows kiss shared with a gay dude on a dance floor—even with tongue—does not constitute a "betrayal." It constitutes an omission.
3. Yes, STH, you are being a selfish prude, and yes, you should forgive her.
The aggressive flirting could be a problem—if your wife is flirting at all aggressively. I'm wary of accepting your characterization of her behavior at face value, STH, as your overreaction to the kiss leads me to believe that you might not be rational about your wife's behavior generally. Where you see getting too near, dancing too close, and being too friendly, a slightly less paranoid/controlling spouse might see innocent flirtatiousness. But if she agrees that her flirting is indeed a problem—if for no other reason than it bothers her husband—and she's willing to tamp it down for your sake, you should "forgive her and move on," by which I mean "YOU SHOULD CEASE BEING SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE about (1) the kiss and (2) the flirting and (3) the fucking kiss already."
That said, STH, I wouldn't want to be married to a man who claimed to love me but couldn't forgive me for something so trifling as a meaningless kiss. So I'm not sure I'm doing your wife any favors by talking you off the ledge. Honestly, STH, someone who is hesitant to forgive is hardly husband material. A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted, STH, all leavened by the occasional orgasm. If you're having such a hard time forgiving her for this piddling "betrayal," STH, you're not cut out for marriage and your wife may want to run away before it's too late.