Election shit was amazing this time last year. We were about to reelect our Socialist Kenyan Muslim Overlord, legalize pot, and make gay marriage mandatory. We've spent the 12 months since doing bong hits through holy water in celebration. But it turns out elections happen every year. And this year, what do we get? Eleven incomprehensible ballot measures, a bunch of candidates no one has ever heard of, and a bunch of incumbents everyone is sick of.
Duty called, and the SECB put down our bong long enough to answer the call. We held countless candidate "interviews," convened roughly three dozen staff meetings (aka binge-drinking sessions), and now we're proud to present Seattle with our most coherent voters' guide ever. This election may not come with the glamour of reinstating the Antichrist as president, but it will decide who's mayor and whether we can elect young blood to city hall—seriously, Seattle City Council meetings look like The Real World filmed at Horizon House—and it will be the final word on whether labels will explain that your tasteless tomatoes have trout genes spliced into 'em.
As for mayor, do you want Mike McGinn, who's backing a citywide light-rail network? Or do you want Ed Murray, who, we shit you not, recently held a fundraiser that used destroying bike lanes as its main tactic to raise money? We're sticking with pro-transit, pro-bike Mayor McGinn, thank you.
We're also telling you to vote against city council member Richard Conlin, whose biggest accomplishment is legalizing miniature goats (perhaps for gay-marrying purposes), and to instead vote for Kshama Sawant, a socialist economist who wants to increase the minimum wage to $15 an hour. And, even more important, we want more challengers like Sawant to run for office so we don't have the same washed-up, goat-loving, Metamucil-swilling incumbents dying at city hall after fruitless multi-decade careers. (We expect to see a levy on next year's ballot to provide Life Alert systems for all city council members.) That's why we're supporting an unprecedented measure for election reform that provides public financing for council races.
You're welcome to think for yourself and make your own choices, of course, but you would be better off—and the city would be better off—if you voted the way we're telling you to.