We're observing Slog silence from now until 11 a.m. while we have an editorial meeting, but look—we made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you!
1. In what could be the most unfortunate return to political commentary since G. Gordon Liddy, PAUL CONSTANT writes about the government shutdown without once mentioning the words sequester, default, or bipartisan. Instead, he employs a litany of cusses, in addition to the words "orangutan," "popsicle stand," and "fart joke." Two can play at this game: Write a Constantesque nonsense story about the government shutdown that employs the following randomly selected words: tonsillectomy, chartreuse, mongoloid.
2. Compare and contrast CIENNA MADRID's news story about a bike-share program that isn't receiving support from local businesses with Constant's creative-writing-project-turned-political-screed. Here's an example of a comparative statement: While it's true that Ms. Madrid's story only affects a tiny sliver of a fringe population of Seattle, at least her essay is awash in (possibly too many) facts and figures, unlike Mr. Constant's made-up mishmash of memoir and liberal pot-banging.
3. BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT complains about Capitol Hill's many themed bars in a funny, well-timed rant, but she then proceeds to swoon over a Southern-themed Capitol Hill bar called Witness. Does Ms. Clement understand the definition of the word "hypocrisy," do you think?
4. In a dour, death-obsessed visual art review, JEN GRAVES writes, "The clothes interact newly and complexly with the paintings." Is "complexly" actually a word? Should it be?
5. In the film section, DAVID SCHMADER reviews several films in this year's Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival. Do you believe that niche film festivals like this should be graded on a curve? Do you think that film reviews containing the phrase "an erect wang ejaculates" should be taken seriously? Why or why not?
6. MELODY DATZ opens her dance review with a discussion of a penis flapping in the breeze. Can you find a more obvious attempt to draw readers into a stultifying subject with the promise of sexual content in this week's Stranger? Support your claims with textual proof.