We're observing Slog silence from now until 11 a.m. while we have an editorial meeting, but look—we made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you!

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1. Too much of this issue of The Stranger is given over to masturbatory celebrations of the Genius Awards, the annual masturbatory celebration thrown by The Stranger for The Stranger, in honor of Stranger-approved artists in the hopes that they'll hang out with Stranger writers. Which profile of a so-called Genius do you believe is the most masturbatory of all?

a. PAUL CONSTANT's profile of Maged Zaher, in which he gushes about being hugged by Zaher?

b. DAVID SCHMADER's gooey claim that Seattle is experiencing a "new golden age" of cinema, followed by Schmader's citation of a handful of tiny, unsuccessful films as proof of this so-called "golden age"?

c. JEN GRAVES's profile of Eyvind Kang and Jessika Kenney, which praises them for being "unfailingly present"? (Most musical performances do involve the musician showing up to play the music, Ms. Graves.)

d. The name-droppy profile of Rodrigo Valenzuela by Jen Graves—her again?—that doesn't even bother to functionally describe the man's work and tries to hand-wave your attention away the fact that Valenzuela has only lived in Seattle for three years and is going to spend the next year away from Seattle?

e. The profile of Zoe Scofield and Juniper Shuey by BRENDAN KILEY that fails to understand even the most basic point behind Scofield and Shuey's work?

Vote below, and don't forget to back up your selection with evidence.

2. In the music section, MEGAN SELING—who obviously isn't trusted by Stranger editorial leadership with the big, important work of writing a masturbatory Genius profile—offers up a masturbatory profile of a band called Big Eyes. Seling first describes Big Eyes as a female-fronted band, and then spends too much of the piece complaining about the way women are represented in music writing. It takes nine paragraphs before Seling begins explaining what Big Eyes sounds like, and even then her descriptions are vague and unhelpful. Your vocabulary term for the day is "straw man argument." Have you ever before seen a written piece in which the author sets herself up as a straw man and then tears herself to pieces in the next few paragraphs before finally getting to the point of the article, which has nothing to do with the straw man argument in question? List at least five reasons why this technique doesn't work.

3. Due to an expanded news section, this week's print edition of The Stranger was published without a Study Guide. On a separate piece of paper, please illustrate your sense of astonishment at learning that there is still a print edition of The Stranger.

4. Meanwhile, BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT visits a business that she believes is owned, at least in part, by Christians and then proceeds to complain about the business being owned by Christians. If Ms. Clement were to have pulled this same stunt on a Jewish-owned business, how quickly do you believe the ACLU would be breathing down Ms. Clement's neck? Is there a difference between those two scenarios? Should there be?