by Dan Savage
on Thu, Sep 26, 2013 at 3:42 PM
I love my wife and I'm deliriously happy with her. The problem? Sex with her sucks, partly because she doesn't seem all that interested in that part of the relationship, except to indulge me in the sweetest possible way. I have needs she can't meet. I want her in a ballgag as I'm raping her. She plays along with my fantasies but it isn't HER fantasy; she isn't INTO it. This ruins the experience for me. In an ideal world I would be a top and she'd be a bottom; my cards were not dealt that way. And if she has sexual fantasies (which I would be thrilled to fulfill, since her happiness is my happiness), I'll be damned if I can unearth them (and we've been married for nearly a quarter century). I have no interest in straying. A few brief experiences with strippers and hookers were horrifying to me because they lacked the emotional component, the deep spiritual bond I have with my wife. Like I said, I adore her. She takes my breath away. She turns me on like no one else. We are amazing together (except in bed). So I jack off to porn when I need to. It's not a time-squandering addiction, just a couple of minutes a couple of days a week to lose myself in my fantasies, so I don't explode.
What do I do? Leave it alone? Or is there hope for me, for us, in the sex sense?
Love My Wife
My response after the jump...
Sadly I do not have the power to instill a love for hardcore kinks—and ballgags and rape scenarios certainly qualify as hardcore—in your wife or in my husband or in the cute bartender who made me the drink that's sitting in front of me in this airport bar. (Which is a fucking shame, LMW, as the bartender at the "pub" near the G gates is cute but waaaaaaay too talkative.) Your wife just isn't into the stuff you're into and she never has been and she never will be.
And frankly, LMW, I'm shocked at your unwillingness to take, "Yes, okay, once in a while, because I love you, sure, why not" for an answer. You write that your wife "plays along with your fantasies." That's pretty fucking GGG of her, considering your kinks, and somehow that's not good enough for you. Because why? Because ballgags and rape scenes and bottoming aren't her fantasies. That sucks for you, I guess, but I would hardly describe your sex life as hopeless. There are millions of kinksters out there not-GGG-at-all partners who would happily trade places with a guy whose wife is willing to indulge him. And while some vanilla people get into their kinky partner's kinks and develop a genuine and independent passion for them, LMW, that doesn't always happen. And if it hasn't happened in the twenty five years you've been together... it's just not gonna happen.
So enjoy your porn, count your blessings (which include a GGG wife who indulges the fuck out you), and remind yourself that not everyone gets everything he, she, or SOPATGS wants.
P.S. I think you meant "in my ideal world," LMW, not "in an ideal world." Our personal kinks realized ≠ utopia for all mankind. (Am I being bitchy? Sorry. I've had 2.5 drinks and this ballgagless bartender is really getting on my nerves.)