SL Letter of the Day: Honorary Centaur Fetishist
by Dan Savage
on Tue, Sep 17, 2013 at 5:21 PM
I'm a 31-year-old straight divorced male. I am tallish and of average size, though not particularly strong or muscular. I am also a hardcore sub who is particularly attracted to large, physically strong but still very feminine women who can pin me down, wrestle with me, and dominate me during foreplay and intercourse. The problem is that these women tend to be attracted to larger, physically stronger men. The women who are attracted to me tend to be smaller and weaker and don't really do it for me. I recently ended a relationship with a wonderful, pretty, smart, loving woman at least in part because of this sexual incompatibility. The other problem is that though I desire a somewhat unconventional sex life, I want a thoroughly normal rest of my life, marriage, kids, etc, and also a partner who is a nerdy intellectual like myself. And I often find that women willing and able to satisfy my kink either don't want that normal life or I don't want it with them. Too make things even more complicated, I'm Jewish and would prefer to marry another Jew or someone who would be willing to convert or at least raise kids Jewish.
Am I being too picky? What should I compromise on, sex or something else? Or should I find a "normal" or "vanilla" woman who allows me to occasionally see pro-dommes? (I have done that in the past.) Those women are very hard to find too. Feeling very lost.
Fears Eternal Sexual Turmoil
My response after the jump...
Can we talk about centaur fetishists for a second?
I'm obsessed with centaur fetishists. There have been times when I've written and talked so much about centaur fetishists that people have gotten the impression that I'm a centaur fetishist myself. Not true. While I wouldn't kick the crazy-eyed centaur in that Old Spice ad out of my barn—who on earth would?—I'm not into centaurs. People who are into centaurs talk/obsess about centaurs. But I don't talk/obsess about centaurs. Because it's centaur fetishists that fascinate me, not the half-human/half-horses they wanna ride in on.
And here's what I find fascinating about centaur fetishists: it's the existential dilemma—the curse—of longing for an impossible partner. There are people out there who pine for centaurs, people who long for centaurs, people who insist that they can only find sexual and emotional fulfillment tangled up in the arms and legs of a centaur... and those people are basically fucked, right? Because there's no such thing as a centaur. A centaur fetishist will never bump into a cute centaur at an airport bar or spot a hot centaur running on a treadmill at their gym. Because centaurs don't exist. And that's gotta suck, right?
You, sir, are the 31-year-old, divorced, sub, straight male equivalent a centaur fetishist.
Your lists of "wants" and "disqualifiers" are so long that your chances of finding love are almost as slim as a centaur fetishist's chances. Because it's not enough to find a woman who gets off on dominating you in a very particular way. She also has to be physically strong... but still very feminine. She has to be nerdy and she has to be intellectual and she has to want marriage and kids and she has to be Jewish or want to be Jewish or willing to pretend she wants to be Jewish and she has to want kids and she has to want to raise her kids Jewish. A smaller and weaker Jewish girl with a dominant streak? She won't do. A taller and stronger shiksa girl with a submissive streak? She won't do. A cheerleader type with a subscription to US Magazine who gets off on dominating your during intercourse? She won't do.
Yes, FEST, you're being too picky. Remember: settling down requires some settling for. No one gets everything he wants in a partner. Hold out for everything you want—tall, strong, feminine, nerdy, Jewish, intellectual, sexually dominant—and you're going to wind up lonelier and more frustrated than your average centaur fetishist. Look for someone who brings most of what you want to the table—or the wrestling mat—and be willing to compromise.