by Dan Savage
on Thu, Aug 29, 2013 at 5:27 PM
I'm a 28-year old straight male dating a slightly older straight woman. My girlfriend and I get along great, I love her, my family loves her, my dog loves her. Problem is, I don't find her sexually attractive. Never have. We have known each other for several years. I met her while she was dating someone else and all that good stuff. A couple of years later, we started to date. It was more like a friend suggested I try and see what comes out of it. My problem was that I wasn't attracted to her sexually then, and it just getting worse. Now I actually feel annoyed when she expresses her desire for sex. Whenever I give in to her advances, I usually have to fake it. My mind has to stay on topic of porn (or some cutie that I work with) just to get and stay hard, never mind finishing off.
I love her to death, but can't give her the sex any more. I hate cheating—the lies needed for cheating are unforgivable—so that's out of the question. I want to be able to have a physical relationship with someone as well as the emotional connection. What do I do here?
Some Witty Name Here
P.S. Breaking up with her means I could lose out on some very good friends as they are her best friends as well.
My response after the jump...
If breaking up means losing some friends you enjoy spending time with, SWNH, then by all means keep fucking this woman for the next five decades.
But know this: every time you fuck her, every time you close your eyes and think of Lynndie England (or whoever lifts your luggage), you are lying to this woman. And while the lies "needed for cheating" are arguably worse—particularly if the case of a serial cheater—the lies you're telling her really aren't much better.
Trust me: your GF senses your lack of desire for her, SWNH. She can feel you recoil at her touch, she can see how checked out you are during sex. The only reason your lies don't seem as bad cheatin' lies, SWNH, is because cheaters' lies tend to come to light all at once. Someone gets caught cheating, the lies come tumbling out. Cheating lies are like hand grenades: they blow shit up. The lies you're telling, on the other hand, are more like acid. They slowly eat away at someone's sexual self-esteem and ability to enjoy sex until there's nothing left.
Of course there are lots of people out there in happy relationships with partners they don't find physically attractive, i.e. partners who aren't and never were their physical ideal, partners who long ago aged out of "physical ideal" status. (And how many of those people's partners could say the same? Could yours say the same, SWNH?) But these relationships only work—they're only good for both people in the relationship—in cases where one of these two things is true:
1. Someone is capable of enjoying sex with a not-physically-ideal/not-sexually-attractive partner because that someone's affections for their partner are so great that it effectively kicks their dicks/pussies/assholes/libidos into high/high enough gear.
2. Someone isn't interested in sex at all—not with the partner, not with anyone else—and that someone's partner also isn't interested in sex. They are the happily married and happily sexless and they are legion.
Neither is true of your relationship, SWNH. You aren't able to enjoy sex with your partner, regardless of your dog's feelings for her, and neither of you is going to be happy in a sexless relationship.
Do the right thing and put an end to this now, SWNH, before your lies dissolve your GF completely.