Through my work as an ace investigative journalist, I have become the possessor of a mysterious frozen turd. (Looooooong story.) The question I need to answer as quickly as possible, because I have a TURD in my FREEZER, is whether the turd came from a human being or whether it came from a dog. That's it.

I thought distinguishing human shit from dog shit would be a relatively easy task, but no. I've been working for a week to find a lab that can conduct such a test—I've called veterinary clinics, DNA testing labs, crime labs, all to no avail. One vet tech I just got off the phone with told me that, as far as she knew, there was no good way to tell the difference between dog and human fecal samples—that the best they could do would be to look for parasites commonly found in dogs but not humans.

I am at my wits' end. I need this shit analyzed. I need to crowd source this turd. Is anyone out there an expert, by chance? Any tips for a gal stuck with a cold turd and high hopes???