The US Military Is Ready to Attack Syria: Secretary of State John Kerry says that Syria's use of chemical weapons is "undeniable." If the US does attack, officials say it would only last a couple days and it would involve sea-launched cruise missiles or maybe long-range bombers. Britain might join in, too. Russia, though, is not happy about possible attacks.

NSA Might be Spying on the UN: Over the weekend a German newspaper reported that the NSA "had also infiltrated the U.N. video-conferencing network to eavesdrop on diplomatic missions in New York." Now, obviously, members of the UN are quite unhappy.

In News That Shocks Absolutely No One: The US is running out of money. Again.

Police Find Body of Missing Arizona Teenager: The 18-year-old's death will be ruled as a suicide. Sad.

Zimmerman Wants Florida to Pay His Legal Bills: Because FREEDOM. In other George Zimmerman news, y'all saw that last week he took a tour and posed for photos at the gun factory that makes the same kind of gun he used to kill (BUT NOT MURDER) an unarmed teenager with, right? Dude is NUTS.

This Is What the Yosemite Fire Looks Like From Space: Crazy. So far the fire has burned an area as large as Chicago.

Seattle and South Kitsap Schools Voted to Reject Contracts: If not agreement is met by August 31, teachers will strike September 1.

Thanks, Jenny McCarthy: An anti-vaccine megachurch in Texas isn't so anti-vaccine now that a bunch of their members got measles:

A Texas megachurch has shifted its stance on immunization, following a measles outbreak among its faithful.

At least 20 members of the Eagle Mountain International Church in North Texas have been diagnosed with measles after a few members of the congregation traveled abroad on a mission trip and contracted the disease. The church is part of Kenneth Copeland Ministries, which has advocated abstaining from vaccinations and immunizations for fear they cause autism.

Tasty Attack: A 52-year-old woman was arrested after throwing chocolate milk and soy sauce on diners at the Dim Sum King in the ID.

Not an Onion Story: A Texas Tech student won the right to wear a colander in his license photo. Because he's a pastafarian, a worshipper of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.