As you know if you follow me on Twitter, I've been having a little issue with a stain. A human stain. Well, it looks like a human stain, even though it's not. I don't know what it is. It looks like jizz, Bethany Jean Clement says, even though I think I would remember if someone jizzed on my shirt. (I think.) Paul Constant says it can't be jizz because "jizz comes out pretty easily."

Here it is, whatever it is:

This photo was taken after four attempts to get rid of the stain—twice by putting the shirt in the washing machine, once by cleaning it by hand with soap in The Stranger's restroom, and once by pouring club soda on it and doing that thing where you rub each side of the stain together trying to lift it off the fabric with the magic of bubbles. Nada. Negatory.

Then a few days ago, we got a press release subject-lined "A Summer Eating Must-Have: Tide to Go Stain Eraser." And even though I don't think I got this stain while eating (hush now), I was interested:

Hi Christopher,

As a fellow “foodie,” I wanted to reach out to you about a new product from Tide. As the summer season kicks into full swing, so does the al fresco experience! Whether you’re grilling out on the porch or visiting your favorite food truck, Tide is here to arm you against food emergencies while on-the-go!

Tide recently introduced the Tide to Go Stain Eraser—the Tide to Go pen’s counterpart for on-the-go food lovers...

Since I was in the market for a stain eraser, I told Tide I'd do a product review if they sent me their stain eraser. A review for all the full-swing al fresco eaters out there who read Slog. And Tide FedEx'd me some stain erasers…

And I took them home last night and used the product on my stain—a product that does not even require a washing machine. According to the instructions you just rub the pad on the stain and a little packet of goop squeezes out into the pad and onto the shirt and then the stain just lifts out onto the pad and then your shirt dries, stain-free, while you go back to your al fresco eating. While I was waiting for the area of the shirt in question to dry—couldn't tell if the stain was out while it was wet—I went ahead and tossed the shirt in the laundry again, with a couple other dress shirts, because why not?

Last night I hung it to dry and this morning I looked and...

Gah! I feel like Lady MacBeth. But with jizz. I really wanted to title this post "Tide to Go Stain Eraser: Gets the Jizz Out!" I really wanted to offer that slogan to the Tide corporation. But alas. Paul's right—there's no way this is jizz; jizz just doesn't cling on like this. The instructions say I might need to use more than one stain eraser on "tough stains." Ah. So tonight I'm gonna use all the other stain erasers they sent and not toss the shirt in the washing machine and see if that works. Thank you all for your attention on this important matter. And thank you, Tide, for trying to help.