by Dan Savage
on Thu, May 9, 2013 at 5:06 PM
I LOVE YOUR COLUMN!
Ok, so I have been in a relationship with an AMAZING guy for the last eight years. We have great sexual chemistry and are truly best friends. So, my man has this fantasy about seeing me fuck his friends. It comes up EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex. He loves for me to act as though I'm fucking his friends, he begs me to call out their names during sex, he wants to me to tell him what I would do to them, etc. I love to please him in any way I can, and to be honest I get really into it and I find it super hot. But to a certain extent I wonder if this could be healthy? Or if this is something that he might really want to explore? We never talk about it outside the bedroom. It also makes me feel awkward when we hang out with his friends because I can't help thinking about how many times I've come while shouting out their names. Weird, huh? A while back I developed a crush on one of these guys and even though I'm totally over it now, I don't want this to be something that could potentially be harmful to our relationship.
I'm not sure how to broach the subject with my boyfriend. So I guess my question how can I open up this topic without giving him the idea that I actually would let one of his friends bone me? If this was something that he REALLY wanted to do, I'd be willing, but I don't know that the positives would outweigh the negative. How do I ask him if he thinks about actually doing it, or if it's just all for the sex?
Please Help Me
P.S. Hope you can find the time to answer my questions. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!
My response after the jump...
You've been at this for eight years—you've been using the same dirtytalk script for eight years—and you've never had a fully-clothed, penetration-free conversation about it?
You gotta fix that, PHM.
Now some people will dirtytalk about shit they wanna experience IRL*, ATKS**, and some people will dirtytalk about shit they never wanna experience IRL. But the only person who knows if your boyfriend wants to do this shit IRL is your boyfriend... and he's not telling and you're so worried that he'll think you actually wanna fuck his friends that you're not asking. And you don't wanna fuck his friends... but you would fuck his friends... but only if he wanted you to fuck his friends. (There's the small matter of whether his friends wanna fuck you, of course, but we don't have to resolve that issue now.)
My thoughts? It's possible that your boyfriend wants to realize these fantasies IRL, PHM, but is so paralyzed by shame that he can't bring himself to talk about his fantasies when you're not fucking. His own shame may also have led him to misread the fact that you've never raised the subject either. He may be thinking, "She must know that I'd love to actually do this stuff—we talk about it every single time we have sex! But she never brings it up when we're not having sex, so... she must not be into it. Not really. She just playing along to get me off."
It's possible that your boyfriend doesn't want to realize these fantasies. You've spent eight years demonstrating to him that you're down with his kinks—hell, his kinks are your kinks at this point. So it stands to reason that your boyfriend would've asked you to fuck his friends by now if he wanted you to fuck his friends. It's possible that your boyfriend is perfectly content with things as they stand—a girlfriend who pretends to cheat on him may be everything he's ever wanted—and he might react with alarm if that same girlfriend broached the subject of actually cheating on him.
So what do you do?
You grab a drink with your boyfriend and ask him to talk with you about his kinks. Ask him to talk with you about your kinks. Don't say, "Hey, do you really want me to fuck your friends? Because I would—I totally would—if that's what you wanted!" Instead tell him you want to talk about your fantasies in a general, open-ended way because, hey, healthy couples can talk about their sex lives, right? Start by telling him what turns you on about these fantasies, PHM, then ask him what turns him on about them. Ask him if he's always been turned on by these fantasies. Ask him if he's explored them with previous girlfriends. Hopefully he'll open up and you'll get some clarity about the IRL issue.
But if he can't bring himself to talk about this stuff when you two aren't fucking, PHM, that means you're never gonna fuck his friends IRL. Not because he doesn't want you to—he may very well want you to—but because realizing these sorts of fantasies requires open, honest, and constant communication.