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Monday, April 1, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Her Little Pudding Pot

Posted by on Mon, Apr 1, 2013 at 4:12 PM

I'm a girl in my twenties who tries to be GGG. My boyfriend and I have an awesome sex life; I happily indulge his many kinks, including keeping his cock locked up in a chastity device, encouraging his cross dressing (I'm a seamstress, so I've even made some of his outfits!), and pegging. In exchange I get the quality vanilla sex I crave and have an affectionate, loving, doting boyfriend who brings me coffee in bed and generally treats me wonderfully. I know this relationship owes a lot to you; if it weren't for the fact I've been reading your column since I was fourteen his kinks might have been a deal breaker. As it is I've accepted them and we mutually do everything we can to keep each other happy.

The problem is with the pegging. No matter what we do there's always more than a little santorum. Even of he skips eating that day, even if he makes sure to use the toilet before we begin. No delicate way to put this- it's gross. We've talked about the possibility of him tying enemas but I know that there can be side effects if overused and it seems a little extreme.

Is there some other option we're overlooking? And, if not, what's the safe way to use enemas to ensure he doesn't do himself any harm? We usually have strap on sex once every week to two weeks, if that matters. Any advice you could get would be greatly appreciated.

No Clever Sign Off

My response—and a bonus letter—after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It doesn't sound like you're trying to be GGG, NCSO, it sounds like you are GGG—and, thankfully, it sounds like your boyfriend isn't one of those stupid, selfish kinksters who gives all kinksters everywhere a bad name. He's not taking his GGG partner for granted, he isn't neglecting your need for quality vanilla sex (perhaps that chastity device helps keep him focused on your needs), and he's just generally not doing the sort of stupid, selfish, shortsighted shit that makes vanillas everywhere think twice about dating kinksters. (Here's an example of a stupid, selfish, ruining-it-for-all-kinksters-everywhere kinkster from the "Savage Love" archives.) But here's what I like most about your letter: it shows that the advice I gave to non-kinky partners in this response/retort actually works under real-world/real-relationship conditions.

And here are a few tips for solving your santorum problem:

1. Fiber. If your boyfriend's ass functions like a pot of rancid chocolate pudding—you can't dip a finger in there without it coming out coated with stankslime—then he first needs to look to his diet. Is he getting enough fiber? Is he regular? Is he taking solid/manly craps? If the answers to those questions are no, no, and no, then your boyfriend should drink more water, eat more fresh fruit and veg, and take fiber capsules. Solid, regular bowel movements = empty ass, empty ass = santorum-free pegging.

2. Douche. There's a step between doing nothing—and getting santorum all over your strap-on—and a flush-your-guts-out enema. Buy your boyfriend one of these, have him clean out his rectum before you peg him, and you should be able to peg him without worrying about an unwelcome "visit from the senator." There are good instructions on how to use a douche bulb at Smitten Kitten.

3. Female condoms. If all else fails, NCSF, get some female condoms. (Yes, Virginia, you can use them for anal sex.) Lube his ass up, stuff a female condom in, and peg his ass. The female condom stays in place while you fuck him—you'll basically be fucking the condom—and any santorum that might be lurking inside his ass won't be on your dildo when you pull out because you're going to pull your dildo out of the female condom, NCSF, leaving it in place/in his ass. Lock his cock back up when you're done and send him to the bathroom to remove the female condom on his own. If there's any mess you won't have to see or smell it and he can clean himself up before coming back to bed.

And here's a bonus letter...

My daughter will be turning 15 in a few weeks. My husband and I have worked hard to raise her in a much more open and supportive envoronment than we were. I have had many short conversations with her about sex over the years, given her age appropriate books on sexuality from an early age, and enrolled her in the junior high Our Whole Lives program (an amazing program). I have also told her that she could ask me anything.

Last night she came to me and said, "You know how you said I could talk to you about anything?" I said "absolutely" and waited for the bomb to drop. She told me that she sometimes touches herself. (Me: "Totally fine. That's how you learn about your body.") Then she showed me a handle to an electric beard trimmer and said, "Sometimes I use this." (Oh good lord!) I asked her if she wanted me to buy her a real vibrator, and she happily nodded yes.

Dan, I don't have any questions. I just wanted to say thank you. The question about moms buying vibrators for their daughters came up in a recent "Savage Love," and I have been thinking about it since then. There were a wide range of opinions in the comments section, so I know this isn't the right thing for everyone, but apparently it is for my daughter. I'm so glad I read that column and the comments this ahead of time and have had time to think about it. If this had come at me from out of the blue, I highly doubt I would have handled it nearly as well as I did. Tonight we will be heading over to do some online shopping at Babeland.

Girls Should Masturbate Too

 

Comments (47) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Maybe do a little online shopping for beard trimmers as well...
Posted by Dirk7 on April 1, 2013 at 5:26 PM · Report this
2
As a gay dude who needed 15 years to figure out the whole buttsecks thing, I can't recommend a shower shot douchey thing enough. Yes, fiber, a little Imodium and abstain from a big prefunk meal - and a shower shot. I know there can sometimes be issues if you use it all the damn time, but for a once or so a week thing it gives me the comfort and cleanliness I needed to fully relax - and discover that when I'm relaxed and comfortable I'm multiply orgasmic anally. Halle-loo!
Posted by el ganador on April 1, 2013 at 5:41 PM · Report this
Hover Dog 3
Dan, I think you named the letter-writer in Tip #3.
Posted by Hover Dog on April 1, 2013 at 5:47 PM · Report this
4
LOL. I will be monitoring this comment thread with interest.
Posted by beef rallard on April 1, 2013 at 5:58 PM · Report this
5
@3: No, I think he was referencing the "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" letter.
Posted by JudT on April 1, 2013 at 6:08 PM · Report this
6
A VISIT FROM THE SENATOR!!! Hahahahahah! Took me a minute to figure out what that meant, but I hope it becomes as common a saying as a visit from Aunt Flo! Brilliant euphemism!
Posted by idaho on April 1, 2013 at 6:10 PM · Report this
seatackled 7
FAKE!!!!!

Santorum is a frothy mixture of semen and fecal matter that is sometimes the product of anal sex. If this is a woman pegging a man, one of the ingredients is necessarily MISSING!
Posted by seatackled on April 1, 2013 at 6:19 PM · Report this
8
Barf. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable buying my children a sex toy. They'll always either be a) too young or b) old enough to do it themselves.
Posted by fetish on April 1, 2013 at 6:25 PM · Report this
9
@7, wrong. It's LUBE and fecal matter. "Semen" ain't anywhere in the definition.
Posted by JenV on April 1, 2013 at 6:30 PM · Report this
10
@gsmt: There is a world of difference between a conversation opened by your daughter in which she indicates possible interest in a sex toy, versus your deciding that even though she never mentioned wanting a giant purple vibrating dildo with a whistle, it's what YOU always wanted, and presenting it out of the blue. You did it the right way.

(If you're thinking of the letter I'm thinking of, I'm one of those who thought the aunt was way out of line and likely to come off creepy. Because the girl had in zero ways indicated an interest in this gift, and because the aunt was projecting what she liked as the thing all right-thinking girls should want. A book, direction to scarleteen.com, or an offer to answer questions if she ever wanted, would have been much more practical for the niece. Any of those could lead to the girl asking aunt to help with a sex toy purchase.)
Posted by IPJ on April 1, 2013 at 6:36 PM · Report this
11
Awwwww second letter-writer WARMS MY HEART. I want to be that mom when I become a mom.
Posted by dchari on April 1, 2013 at 6:48 PM · Report this
12
We call BullShit.

Why do you people have so much trouble doing something that is 100% Natural and Normal?

Do Penguins use female condoms?
enemas?
douche?
condoms?

Cum on now-

It can't really be all that icky.

Penguins wouldn't lead you astray......
Posted by Why are homosexuals so fucking bad at sex? on April 1, 2013 at 6:52 PM · Report this
13
@12: The letter is from straight people having straight sex.

And if we're studying penguins, they are a standard example of pair-bonding species forming same-sex pairs as well as opposite-sex pairs.

And if you've been using "penguins don't use condoms, so I don't use them either. In fact, I don't do any positions or acts that I have not seen penguins do first" when you proposition people, I'm guessing you don't get laid much.
Posted by IPJ on April 1, 2013 at 7:02 PM · Report this
14
Visit from the Senator! HA! That's a good one.
Posted by MLM on April 1, 2013 at 7:04 PM · Report this
15
13

But Danny tells us that Penguins do homosexuality so it must be Normal and Natural for him to do it as well.

So if someone is having a hard time figuring out the homosex surely the Penguins can lend their wisdom. No?

Why is homosex so shitty?

Why do 20% of sexually active homosexual males get and give HIV?

Look to the Penguins for your answers......
Posted by Men in Black. And White. Female condoms optional. on April 1, 2013 at 7:11 PM · Report this
16
I know a number of people who teach the Our Whole Lives program, and many of them would I'm sure be overjoyed to see it mentioned in this space as making a teen's life better.
Posted by Thexalon on April 1, 2013 at 7:15 PM · Report this
17
There are condoms for penises and condoms for vaginas. Sadly I'm unaware of any condoms for cloacas. It's not that penguins want to do without, it's that there are no options for them.

Think of the penguins.
Posted by Hornithology on April 1, 2013 at 7:26 PM · Report this
Hulk 18
#13: PLEASE DON'T FEED THE TROLL!! BY FEEDING THE TROLL, ITS COLON BECOMES ENGORGED, AND SO STIMULATED IT BEGINS TO FANTASIZE ABOUT ALL THE BUTTSECKS IT WILL NEVER HAVE AS IT IS SO UTTERLY ALONE... SO IT TURNS YET AGAIN TO THE INTERWEBS, WITH ITS SPINDLY, DESPERATE FINGERS, PLEASURING ITSELF TRANSGRESSIVELY, FRANTICALLY SPEWING ITS NONSENSICAL SANTORUM ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND WE MUST ENDURE ITS STENCH... BY IGNORING THE TROLL YOU LEAVE IT TO FESTER, ALONE, IN THE CLOSET, STEWING IN ITS DEPENDS, SHOUTING OUT IN HOMAGE TO BILL O'REILLY...

THANK YOU,

HULK
Posted by Hulk Http://www.tinyurl.com/lonely-hulk on April 1, 2013 at 7:33 PM · Report this
19
@18 HULK:

Thank *you*.
Posted by TinaHD on April 1, 2013 at 7:48 PM · Report this
20
One word about the fact that the husband seems to have less than stellar bowel function. Dan is correct in his advice of more fruit, fiber, and water for better digestion, but if your husband makes these changes, or is already a healthy eater, and he still has this problem, he should see a doctor.

What you are describing sounds like various issues caused by certain bowel diseases, particularly Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD, which has two common forms - Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis). No matter how well a person eats, if you have something like that, you will have bowel function problems. If diet isn't the answer to better stools, he should see a doctor.
Posted by SherBee on April 1, 2013 at 8:25 PM · Report this
21
18

hulk would never say 'thank you' you fucking fake....
Posted by that, plus hulk obviously watches fox news 24/7 on April 1, 2013 at 8:35 PM · Report this
rob! 22
Awesome, @20. So happy I hit "refresh." Very important info. Also, Irritable Bowel Syndrome produces similar symptoms but generally less severe than Inflammatory Bowel Disease and may not worsen over time. Still, one tends to have bouts of both constipation and loose bowels, sometimes at irregular intervals, often with no clear dietary links. Incidence of IBS is somewhat correlated with various forms of autoimmune disease (rheumatoid arthritis? strange rashes on the abdomen/legs? Burning on urination or mild yellowish discharge [non-gonococchal urethritis]? Swollen Achilles tendons or other musculoskeletal pain? Eye inflammation? Get thee to a rheumatologist!).

Common, though: the rectum doesn't empty completely when having a bowel movement. Stools poorly formed. Yes to douching with lukewarm water. Porn career/sustained anal poundings may be off the menu. You may need to content yourself with light digital anal stimulation.

Footnote: somewhat higher risk of colon cancer with IBD/IBS. Take advantage of regular screening tests like the fecal smear for occult blood (non-invasive, do ~annually) and periodic colonoscopies at your doctor's recommended interval--both now free of co-pays as preventive medicine. Thanks, Obamacare!
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on April 1, 2013 at 8:46 PM · Report this
23
@ 21

TROLLS SHALL NOT SPEAK ON BEHALF OF HULK OR FAKE HULK!
ONLY BLACKLODGE SPEAK FOR HULK!

SMASHFULLY YOURS,
BLACKLODGE
Posted by MIKE AND BOB on April 1, 2013 at 9:01 PM · Report this
24
23

better....
Posted by hulululululululululululululululu on April 1, 2013 at 9:29 PM · Report this
seandr 25
@Hulk: Easy there, big fella.

Normally I'm all "don't feed the trolls" just like you, but @13 was hilarious.
Posted by seandr on April 1, 2013 at 10:08 PM · Report this
Jessica 26
@16: I went through About Your Sexuality, the precursor to OWL, and I can honestly say I've gotten more out of AYS throughout my life than just about anything in high school (except learning how to quickly calcuate percentages). While I learned WAY more than I utilized in junior high and high school, I was also a resource for friends who didn't have the internet or access to science-based sex ed. The curriculum should be mandatory in public schools-- I entered sexual activity with confidence in myself and my right to my body.
Posted by Jessica on April 1, 2013 at 10:25 PM · Report this
seatackled 27
@9
God damn it. See what homeschooling by a conservative Christian family has done to my thinking abilities?
Posted by seatackled on April 1, 2013 at 11:47 PM · Report this
seatackled 28
And thank you, everyone, for not jumping on my stupid ass for making such an inane blunder. Good thing they fired me from that pharmacy, eh?
Posted by seatackled on April 1, 2013 at 11:56 PM · Report this
29
@22: "Common, though: the rectum doesn't empty completely when having a bowel movement. Stools poorly formed. Yes to douching with lukewarm water. Porn career/sustained anal poundings may be off the menu. You may need to content yourself with light digital anal stimulation."

According to the experts in this thread, there is something wrong with you if you have this problem, and you should see a doctor. The idea that it might actually be normal for butt sex to be potentially messy strikes them as ludicrous and indicative of doing it wrong or having something wrong with you.

It's really amusing to see, on one hand, people tsk-tsking about how, noooo, butt sex certainly shouldn't be messy unless there is really something horribly wrong! I mean, get yourself to a doctor, man! Poop? In your butt? Wholly unexpected! Don't you know how to wipe? My word! You probably have health problems! And then on the other hand, there's an AWFUL LOT of advice and discussion about ways to reduce the messiness of it all. Did you try more fiber? More water? Shower immediately before? Douche? Enema? Condoms? Female condoms? Lay a towel down?
Posted by beef rallard on April 2, 2013 at 12:40 AM · Report this
30
All I'm saying with this rant is: be fucking realistic. Sometimes it's messy, and sometimes it isn't. Acting like it's abnormal for it to be messy is not honest. Maybe you think it's a good idea to portray anal sex in an unrealistically positive light for whatever reason, but it's exactly that: unrealistic. And maybe you'd like to accuse me of portraying it in an unnecessarily negative light, which may also be fair. Truthfully, I'd be interested in a frank discussion of it from a source like Dan, who I consider pretty objective, because I really do have a hard time imagining people whose assholes are that clean immediately after pooping.
Posted by beef rallard on April 2, 2013 at 12:52 AM · Report this
OutInBumF 31
This letter proves that after all this time, buttsecks is still an ooky mystery to most folks. A bulb enema in the rectum to rinse out those crumbs is NOT going to destroy anything in the colon, but WILL eliminate the Senator. Two quick rinses and ready to play, and yet long time SL readers still don't know this? Dan needs to pick up his game in the buttsecks instruction manual. Brother.
Posted by OutInBumF on April 2, 2013 at 1:46 AM · Report this
32
31

two quick rinses and wait two hours.
Posted by Mucous on April 2, 2013 at 4:25 AM · Report this
33
"Visit from the senator." Dan owes me a new keyboard.
Posted by beckysharp52 on April 2, 2013 at 6:25 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 34
I found that fruit makes a clean up more difficult. I love fruit, so it was a challenge. But switching to things like raisins and bananas the day before really helped.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on April 2, 2013 at 6:46 AM · Report this
saxfanatic 35
@33: Same here. Thanks a lot Savage, you asshole.
Posted by saxfanatic on April 2, 2013 at 6:55 AM · Report this
36
@1: LOL
Posted by orion34 on April 2, 2013 at 9:15 AM · Report this
Helix 37
"Visit from the Senator" is fucking excellent.
Posted by Helix on April 2, 2013 at 10:22 AM · Report this
AFinch 38
@10, that is the letter I recall too, and while I think this mom has a good relationship with her kid and has raised her to be sex-positive, rational, responsible and safe...this is just not a shopping together/bonding kind of item...a bit too personal...for my tastes anyway.

I can't articulate it well, but the line seems to be where you move from objective, factual mechanics-of-it information about sex and over into subjective, personal experience-relating. Sharing a story or experience about sex or physical stimulation/pleasure is -in and of itself - a sexual experience. To me, vibe shopping together fits in this category.

I too feel that either they're too young to have a sex toy, or they're old enough to go shopping for it by themselves.
Posted by AFinch on April 2, 2013 at 10:52 AM · Report this
sirkowski 39
From now on I'm gonna call all my bowel movements "a visit from the senator".
Posted by sirkowski http://www.missdynamite.com on April 2, 2013 at 10:53 AM · Report this
40
Anyone have a good recommendation for fiber pills?
Posted by DeanP on April 2, 2013 at 11:06 AM · Report this
lewlew 41
I'm thinkin' that the Senator's visit is not the poop, but the arrival of santorum...
Posted by lewlew on April 2, 2013 at 11:32 AM · Report this
42
Wow - Dan just posted a letter that included a positive reference to my church. (Our Whole Lives is a Unitarian Universalist program.) An honest-to-god church where I go on Sunday mornings and sing hymns and shit. Will wonders never cease...
Posted by InPhilly on April 2, 2013 at 12:36 PM · Report this
43
Why not just a regular old male condom on the strap-on.
Posted by evanstoner on April 2, 2013 at 12:58 PM · Report this
44
@38: My feeling is somewhat along the lines of: I have zero interest in sex toys. (It's about as appealing as sex with a roomba.) Which is why I know the presentation of one would have utterly horrified me at 14 or 16 or 18. However, my kids might work differently. If a teenager isn't happy with just fingers (which is where people should start) and is instead using an electric beard trimmer or (recalling an earlier column) the handle of a toilet plunger, then I'd much rather they felt they could ask for some help procuring a toy.

(For the record, I doubt my kids would feel comfortable asking me for a toy, or having me announce that I would be totally into doing that if it came up. I just hope if they were getting desperate enough to use unsafe improvised versions they might decide it was worth a quick shot at talking to me.)
Posted by IPJ on April 2, 2013 at 1:29 PM · Report this
45
@ 18 - For shame! Don't you know that once you start feeding a troll you have to keep feeding him? Trolls need extra nourishment to help them get through their long migrations and they remember where they have found food in the past so they return to that spot in subsequent years. Should something interfere with their natural food supply, they are often forced to rely on forums like this one for sustenance. You don't want to be responsible for killing the little guy!

...Or was that hummingbirds?
Posted by MiscKitty on April 2, 2013 at 2:06 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 46
@22: "Common, though: the rectum doesn't empty completely when having a bowel movement. Stools poorly formed"

This sounds like a vague reference to http://snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/fecal…
Posted by undead ayn rand on April 2, 2013 at 9:28 PM · Report this
rob! 47
@29, 46 re: 22

"Common, though: the rectum doesn't empty completely when having a bowel movement."

I should have made clear that it's common in people with IBD or IBS to have incomplete evacuation, because the stools aren't neat little sausages, but shreds of this and that—or a bunch of little hard pellets. The mucus-secreting cells of the intestinal lining, that normally keep everything moving slickly along, also function irregularly.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on April 2, 2013 at 9:58 PM · Report this

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