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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Gwyneth Paltrow v. Ignatius Reilly

Posted by on Thu, Mar 21, 2013 at 1:00 PM

Plenty of people think Gwyneth Paltrow sounds like an ass every time she talks about food, which is a lot, because she's written lots of cookbooks now on the topic of food and, conversely, how little of it she actually eats.

And plenty of people on the internet are annoyed by this. I am not one of those people (although parody like this is amaaaaazing). I skimmed Paltrow's My Father's Daughter cover to cover, like a novel. But it wasn't until I was reading quotes from her newest cookbook yesterday that I realized why I harbor such a weird affection for Paltrow's writing: Her voice reminds me of one of my favorite fictional characters, Ignatius Reilly. Granted, she's a poor man's Reilly, but still. Half the quotes below are from A Confederacy of Dunces, half are from Paltrow's mouth. See if you can spot the difference:

“When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.”

"The maple syrup adds another layer of autumnal yum."

“When Fortuna spins you downward, go out to a movie and get more out of life.”

"When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it's like, 'No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine?'"

“Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?

"Burgers are my favorite food in the world, which is ironic because I don't eat red meat."

“The day before me is fraught with God knows what horrors.”

"I am a firm believer in raising animals right and eating only organic, heritage, grass-fed, free-range ones—or even better, game birds from the wild, the way it was meant to be."

Canned food is a perversion. I suspect that it is ultimately very damaging to the soul.”

"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."

"Through this process my father... had unwittingly taught me the importance of balance. Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral?"

“I suspect that I am the result of particularly weak conception on the part of my father. His sperm was probably emitted in a rather offhand manner.”


Comments (15) RSS

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She really said "or are you mongoloids really talking about me"?????

WOW!!! That's crazy! I wonder if she knows what "mongoloids" was historically used for...
Posted by scratchmaster joe on March 21, 2013 at 1:05 PM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 2
Gwyneth Paltrow is the most over-privileged, stuck-up rich bitch to come along in ages. Sorry, but I won't read anything she's written, watch anything she's acted in, or otherwise have anything to do with her.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty on March 21, 2013 at 1:15 PM · Report this
@1. No. She did not. A fictional character did. A fictional character named Ignatius Reilly.

That has nothing to do with whether GP has any idea of the historical significance of the word "mongoloid," however. She probably doesn't. And she probably avoids Mongolian food, too. Too much meat.
Posted by lopes on March 21, 2013 at 1:15 PM · Report this
blip 4
It's not just her food writing but how she dispenses advice as though she is doing us all a favor, even though she is completely detatched from the reality that non-wealthy, non-famous people occupy. She is one the most annoying celebrities of all time.
Posted by blip on March 21, 2013 at 1:24 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 5
You who else obsesses about food but never eats it? Anorexics.
Posted by keshmeshi on March 21, 2013 at 1:28 PM · Report this
pfffter 6
This made me laugh SO HARD. Thanks for the afternoon pick-me-up.
Posted by pfffter on March 21, 2013 at 1:37 PM · Report this
I am completely seconding @6. This is pure gold.
Posted by Juris on March 21, 2013 at 1:49 PM · Report this
I LOVE Confederacy of Dunces.
Posted by Foonken2 on March 21, 2013 at 1:56 PM · Report this
Tracy 9
I strongly support all posts including more Ignatius Reilly!
Posted by Tracy on March 21, 2013 at 1:57 PM · Report this
TomJohnsonJr 10
Someone on a thead just this morning was likening Charles's phrasing to Ignatius's! It's been awhile since I've seen a mention of him, and now two in one day.

Spookily, according to wiki, five days from today will mark 44 years since Reilly's creator John Kennedy Toole took his own life. RIP.…
Posted by TomJohnsonJr on March 21, 2013 at 1:59 PM · Report this
Cienna Madrid 11
@10, The problem with Charles is that he's too self-aware for a proper Ignatius comparison, in my opinion.
Posted by Cienna Madrid on March 21, 2013 at 2:58 PM · Report this
JensR 12
Oh Confederacy of Dunces, probably the best American book ever written! Like an American Three Men in a Boat, without the Thames and all the rowing.
Posted by JensR on March 21, 2013 at 4:12 PM · Report this
Sandiai 13
I liked her as herself on that PBS food-tourist show. She ate adventurously at every stop, and let the chefs do all the talking about food preparation.

So, I'll stay away from her cookbooks, then.…
Posted by Sandiai on March 21, 2013 at 5:33 PM · Report this
No. The Ignatius quotes stand out as being far more intelligent than Gwyneth's.
Posted by heatherly on March 21, 2013 at 7:42 PM · Report this
#13, I stopped watching when they visited a pig farm/Iberico ham production facility. She let the proprietor talk about the process, then when he proudly served them his ham, she refused to eat it, screaming "Traif, traif, traif!!!" a direct insult to this wonderful man. If she doesn't eat pork, she shouldn't have gone to the farm. Stupid, stupid woman.
Posted by anita772 on March 24, 2013 at 2:10 PM · Report this

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