Plenty of people think Gwyneth Paltrow sounds like an ass every time she talks about food, which is a lot, because she's written lots of cookbooks now on the topic of food and, conversely, how little of it she actually eats.
And plenty of people on the internet are annoyed by this. I am not one of those people (although parody like this is amaaaaazing). I skimmed Paltrow's My Father's Daughter cover to cover, like a novel. But it wasn't until I was reading quotes from her newest cookbook yesterday that I realized why I harbor such a weird affection for Paltrow's writing: Her voice reminds me of one of my favorite fictional characters, Ignatius Reilly. Granted, she's a poor man's Reilly, but still. Half the quotes below are from A Confederacy of Dunces, half are from Paltrow's mouth. See if you can spot the difference:
“When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.”
"The maple syrup adds another layer of autumnal yum."
“When Fortuna spins you downward, go out to a movie and get more out of life.”
"When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it's like, 'No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine?'"
“Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?”
"Burgers are my favorite food in the world, which is ironic because I don't eat red meat."
“The day before me is fraught with God knows what horrors.”
"I am a firm believer in raising animals right and eating only organic, heritage, grass-fed, free-range ones—or even better, game birds from the wild, the way it was meant to be."
“Canned food is a perversion. I suspect that it is ultimately very damaging to the soul.”
"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."
"Through this process my father... had unwittingly taught me the importance of balance. Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral?"
“I suspect that I am the result of particularly weak conception on the part of my father. His sperm was probably emitted in a rather offhand manner.”