My wife is far more vanilla than I am and over the years our sex life has settled into one fixed routine: start by fondling each other 'til I'm hard and she's wet, then a few minutes (really, only 1-2 minutes) of missionary style fucking, then she roles over and we finish up doggy-style. We do this because she says that this position is best for her. I'm not thrilled with the lack of variety but after having my requests for more denied for many years, I've pretty much accepted that this is it.

The one "non-vanilla" thing about her is, she likes to have her asshole fingered. At some point she will ask or tell me to touch her "back there." I usually don't mind (in fact, it usually turns me on to do this) so I comply; however, sometimes I'd just rather not deal with the poo and somewhat awkward position and just focus on my own pleasure. And that's where the problems start. When I say I'd rather not, things come to a screeching halt while she asks me why not and makes it clear that I'm being selfish by refusing to pleasure her this way. So, for the sake of getting laid, I go ahead and do it. And this is really starting to piss me off. Here she is, refusing to do anything for me, barely interacting with me, but making demands on what I do for her. I think it's complete bullshit.

Am I wrong to not want to finger her butt hole every time? Am I being a selfish lover for saying so, and suggesting we skip it sometimes? Am I wrong for being angry with her for demanding this of me, while not being willing to do anything I want? And finally, how can I talk to her about this and get some kind of resolution, ideally, getting an occasional break from sticking a finger up her ass, and getting her to do more for me?

You Make The Clever Acronym

My response after the jump...


TMI alert, overshare dead ahead, etc.


Don't ask for permission. Don't suggest it. Just buy her a fucking butt plug. Buy her three plugs of varying sizes.

Really, honestly, and I'm speaking from experience here... if your wife likes a finger back there, she will LOVE a buttplug. And not only could a butt plug help you break through the no-variety/no-toys/no-kink barrier, it'll free up your poop-free fingers for other things. It might also free up your wife.

Please don't tell anyone I told you this because my husband is a very private person and he doesn't allow me to write about him or his butt in this space and I normally don't but I'm on a short getaway and I've had a couple of drinks, so.... shhhhh.... my husband was pretty sexually repressed when we met. He wasn't into toys, he wasn't into mixing it up. He was strictly gay vanilla. (Gay vanilla is just like straight vanilla but with lube nougat.) But! He loved having his ass played with. (Slightly naughty for you two, gay vanilla for us.) So I gave him a buttplug for his birthday. He wasn't happy. Actually, he was a little angry with me and with some cause. We'd only been dating for three months and I gave it to him at a party, in front of his friends, and... yeah, just a little angry. But later that same night, after he calmed down a bit, he decided to try it. And he liked it. Today he's a pretty sexually adventurous guy—and I'm convinced (and so is he) that we have his birthday butt plug to thank for that.

Yes, yes: your wife is being a selfish, inconsiderate lover. That's something you should be able to talk with her about, and it's something she should be able to see, but... yeah. For some reason this is a sensitive subject for her and she can't hear feedback/criticism without reacting defensively. Bitches be crazy and shit. (And not all crazy bitches are women. Plenty of crazy bitches out there who are men.) So I don't think telling her she's selfish and inconsiderate in the sack—or telling her that I told you to tell her she's selfish and inconsiderate—will result in her reacting any less defensively. So maybe some non-verbal communication is called for? And who doesn't like getting presents? And check these babies out—beautiful, easy to clean, and easy to tug on!

Here's hoping your wife has the same reaction to her new butt plugs that my husband had to his—meaning, here's hoping she likes her new buttplug so much that she starts to wonder what else she's been missing out on.