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News & ArtsMonday, March 4, 2013
Sex William Saletan Sends Slate Readers to a Picture of a Cock Stuck Full of Needles
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Mar 4, 2013 at 3:41 PM
William Saletan has an anti-BDSM screed up at Slate. He doesn't approve of BDSM generally, but Saletan seems particularly tormented by the idea of a coworker at Slate bringing her girlfriend to the office Christmas party on a leash. (As that's never happened at the Stranger, William, I can't imagine it's going to happen at Slate anytime soon. So chill.) While I agree with the distinction Saletan makes between sexual orientations and sexual activities (a distinction I've made myself), Saletan goes out of his way to shock vanilla readers by linking to shit like this without so much as a "NSFW."
But yes to this: straight, gay, bi, or lesbian is something you are, BDSM is something some of each of the above do. A lesbian can't have a relationship—she can't date or marry or start a family—and keep her sexual orientation "private." But a kinky lesbian can date and shack up and get married without disclosing her kinks to friends, family members, and coworkers. No one is harmed if she is open about her kinks, of course, but her sex partners are the only people who really need to know about them. And most of us—kinky or vanilla—run our sex lives on a "need to know" basis. Into bondage? Your girlfriend needs to know. Your mom? Not so much. That Saletan guy in the cubicle by the photocopiers? Not at all.
There are certain assumptions we make about the sex lives of our friends, family members, and coworkers. We assume the straight couples we know are having vaginal sex, the gay couples are having anal sex, the lesbian couples (and everybody else) are having oral sex, etc. And most of us are perfectly comfortable with not knowing more than we need to about the particular interests, kinks, and fetishes of our friends, family members, and coworkers. It isn't hypocrisy. It's boundaries.
But Saletan seems terrorized by the thought of all the BDSMers in his life—he knows he knows people who must be into BDSM—coming out about their kinky sexual lives en masse. That's no more likely than his vanilla friends coming out about the delight they take in giving or receiving head. Most people into BDSM are like most other people: content to keep the particulars of their sexual activities private. But in our post-Fifty-Shades world, the only way for vanillas to make sure the closeted BDSMers in their lives stay closeted, Saletan's piece implicitly argues, is for vanillas to ramp up the fear-mongering and start reviving defamatory stereotypes: BDSMers are crazy and dangerous! To that end Saletan lards his post with links to hardcore images sure to traumatize as well as links to the idiotic blatherings of self-appointed BDSM "experts" on YouTube.
But it's unfair—unfair bordering on unhinged—of Saletan to describe consensual BDSM as "domestic violence." I don't know who should be more offended: good people into BDSM or actual victims of domestic violence. And here's a sadistic twist of the knife: Saletan holds up the kink community's own discourse about abuse and abusers—the willingness of the kink community to address the issue—as evidence that abuse is somehow unique to the kink community or more widespread in the kink community. Is there data on that, William, or is that just prejudice? And can you name a single community that doesn't have abusers? Some BDSM relationships are abusive, of course, but some vanilla relationships are too. There are "normal" straight guys out there—guys who are only interested in missionary-position sex—who beat their wives and girlfriends. Sometimes to death. I could write a post packed with links to stories about vanilla abusers. And what would it prove? That no one should fuck anyone at all?
Yes, BDSM can be dangerous. Yes, there are dangerous idiots and asshole abusers out there. Yes, the D/s dynamic is tricky and it can complicate negotiations and some bad players exploit it. People into BDSM need to be smart and cautious and on their guard. (Same goes for people who aren't into BDSM.) The potential for injury in BDSM is why you don't want someone pinning your cock to a butterfly board unless she know what she's doing and it's why you don't let someone you know nothing about tie your ass up. That's why it's important for kinksters to have a community—however imperfect—that shares information, teaches safe practices, and provides a degree of accountability. That community can't exist without a public face and that means some kinksters—for the good and safety of all—need to be out. Even if traumatizes William Saletan.
6
Because the example involving a lesbian couple is statistically unlikely: it should be his straight co-worker, possibly married, he fears. So I will posit that "if gay marriage is okay, polygamy will be next!" isn't working. (Both because it would complicate the property rights at stake, and more prosaically because almost no one knows any out polygamists who want to marry.) Thus we need a new fear. Presenting: "If gay people are allowed to be visibly gay by marrying people *what if all the BDSMers show up at the office party with needles in their penises*!!!!!!?"
So Danny; when a homo has heterosex is that a "do" or an "are"
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Oh, and you misspelled "Gomorrah" in your previous post. Again.
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Pretty sure that the same logic was used by every puritanical theocrat ever regarding man-woman-penis-vagina sex.
How's about we all try not to overshare our sex practices and acknowledge that portraying consensual sexual behavior between adults as inherently diseased because you don't like to do what they do is impolite, m'kay?
Remember, Mr. Saletan, the gut deep revulsion you feel for BDSM is similar to how some people feel about indoctrinating children into a religion or eating pineapple on pizza.
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Again, nobody's beeswax except that of the person to whom said body part belongs or used to belong. But ?!?!
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I really do have deadlines. And work. And yet....
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*The braggarts are generally boring as hell, anyway.
Kinky youth (and adults) often experience a lot of shame around that identity, and coming out to their friends and family would allow them to be their full person, to realize that they are not alone, and to help ensure that they can reach out for help and guidance when they need. Saletan cites violations of consent in bdsm communities as some kind of evidence against kink, and you address that point well. I'd add that if bdsm were more mainstream, it would be safer and easier for victims to get help when they need it. Imagine how hard it is to explain to a cop that, "yes, I let her time me up, but, no I had not given permission for her to rape me" - and if anyone's mind immediately jumps to "well, they shouldn't have put themselves into that situation in the first place...." then I would point them to every victim blaming argument ever (shouldn't have been there, shouldn't have worn that, etc).
I also think that Saletan is confused as to what it means for something to go "mainstream." Heterosexual marriage is unarguably mainstream, and yet, you don't have to say, "hi, this is my wife and we have sex in these ways," or "here is the lingerie I wear for her sometimes." I don't need to bring my girlfriend to the office party on a leash, just like my coworker doesn't need to show the sexy photos he took of his partner to me. When I come out as queer, I don't say "and that means I have this kind of sex with these kinds of people" (although sometimes people still expect me to do that and think that it is ok for them to ask me questions like that - because being queer is still not mainstream). I should be able to come out as kinky without having to also say, "and that means I tie up my girlfriend." But that's part of the privilege of being mainstream - you don't have to explain yourself as much. My mom doesn't need a play-by-play of how I got the rope marks on my legs, but she does need (and wants!) to know that I'm kinky, I'm happy, and I'm ok. She doesn't need to worry about the rope marks. Since kink isn't mainstream, I had to explain all this to her, because I don't want her to worry (and I don't believe in hiding pieces of my life from the people I love - details, private moments, specific sex acts....yes, but core parts of who I am? No.)
Like:
"Hey, can you guys please clean up your Saletan on the spanking bench; there are people who want to use it next? Thanks."
or:
"Yeah, I don't want to use that sex swing. It's got Saletan stains on it and I know I'm a pain-slut, but even *I* won't touch that."
or:
"Man, after last night, I was covered in so much Saletan that I needed a full Silkwood shower when I got home. Maybe I should pace myself next time."
I don't think it's helpful to automatically label anyone who judges another's expression of their particular sexuality as sex-negative. If a person is attracted to children that is not his or her fault. Hell, it's likely because they themselves were molested as children; that their torment continues into adulthood through such feelings can be downright heart-rending. But all that empathy must goes out the window the moment they make a move on a child. I get the difference between the consensual and non-consensual, but my point lies elsewhere. Namely: Are all sexualities necessarily "okay?"
And no, they are not. Knockout scenes are consensual. I would not want my son or daughter to submit to home-brew anesthetizing regardless of their drives of informed consent. It could kill them and I want them alive.
S&M is not necessarily so extreme, or so dangerous. I do think it's worth investigating what the unintentional real-world consequences of sublimating your will to another might have. Your wants and needs don't matter; you are not equal; your freedom is limited or nonexistent. You can sexually desire all of that. You can sexually enjoy all of that. But all of those things, in other contexts, foster depression. All of those things in other contexts comprise the opening acts in any number of movies and books about liberation and escape from same. Isn't it possible that the particulars of M/s relationships are as psychologically damaging, or even nearly so, as they assuredly are in virtually every other context?
I don't claim to know the answers. But I think these are important questions to ask. We are not our ids. There is often good reason not to act on our feelings. And from the outside, it sure seems like if you find yourself drawn to being beaten up you should absolutely do something about it, but I don't think that thing should probably be to get yourself beaten up.
My reason is simple: Sexuality, for all the joy and trouble it can bring, is only one aspect of a modern life. The intensity of the drive can skew our appreciation of that, but that's why it can be especially important to take a step back. How will this behavior affect me out of the bedroom? How will it affect my relationships outside the bedroom? How will it impact my near and long term physical and psychological well-being?
It's easy to conflate all this with LGBT politics and civil rights and all the rest, but that should be resisted. A person can love steak yet be a vegetarian. It doesn't make them food negative.
Because if his article prompts debate that leads to people rethinking their preconceptions, then that is a better outcome than the casual onlooker coming to the conclusion that anybody Dan Savage (or his followers) disagrees with is going to be subject to a re-coining of their name and other intimidation/mockery tactics. Just because the world at large uses these tactics doesn't mean we shouldn't hold ourselves to a higher standard. The ultimate goal is freedom, inclusion, and respect, so I worry about losing sight of that in the spirit of getting a good comeback in quick.
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