by Dan Savage
on Mon, Mar 4, 2013 at 5:37 PM
I'm a female in my early 20s and have been seeing my boyfriend for a couple years now. Our sex has always been good but it lacks in one specific area: I am completely bypassed when it comes to foreplay. He will go down on me or finger me before we have vaginal intercourse once every couple of months or so but he wants me to give him head or to jerk him nearly every time we fuck. I love his dick so going down on him isn't a problem and I'm happy to jerk him a little bit when I don't feel like going down on him. I don't need him to focus on me every time before we have sex but this "once every few months" business has made me a bit bitter. He reasons that I'm too hard to get off so he's given up. It's true that I am hard to get off but it's not impossible. In fact, he's the only man to have ever gotten me off without the use of a vibrator, which has only happened twice but proves it possible.
He claims that he never had problems getting past lovers off and I'm the only one who he's had this problem with. That statement bothers me for multiple reasons.
1. I highly doubt all those woman he was with before were actually coming. I hate women that fake it and ruin it for us honest women. It blows men's egos up and makes it seem like there's something wrong with women who are honest about needing more than a quick roll in the hay to achieve orgasm.
2. It makes me feel inadequate and defective, like a man that can't hold an erection. When he does go down on me or fingers me I feel like I need to hurry up before he gets tired so I never enjoy it and end up giving up and moving on to the sex before I get off.
I have expressed my unhappiness with his lack of desire to want to please me, and he will sometimes make an effort but, again, I can't enjoy it because I know he's only doing it because I've nagged him and not because he actually wants to pleasure me. Which leads me to my last issue. I've had this problem with just about every guy I have slept with: "Give me head and then I'll fuck you and then were done." Only once have I been with a man who cared just as much about my pleasure as his and he was eleven years older than me. Which leads me to my questions.
1. Are older men better in bed than younger men because of their experience and maturity?
2. Or was the older man I was with more attentive because he was extremely small and was perhaps trying to make up for it in other ways?
3. How do I get my boyfriend to learn my body with me to achieve an orgasm without him feeling like its a chore and me feeling pressure to preform?
Pissed Off About Not Getting Off
My response after the jump...
1. You were lucky enough to fuck one older guy who was good in bed, POANGO, but that's not proof all older guys are good in bed. You can't make assumptions about a given population based on a sample size of one. Trust me: some older guys suck in bed. And while a bad-in-bed young guy can improve with time and experience, he's gottawanna improve. Impatience and selfishness are the main barriers to improvement. You're in a better position to judge if your guy is fatally impatient and/or selfish.
2. Studies with sample sizes larger that one—studies I'm too busy to look up right now but may come back later and add a link—have shown that the sex partners of men with smaller penises report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than the sex partners of men with above-average penises. It would seem that guys with smaller dicks are "trying to make up for it in other ways." And they're not just trying. They're succeeding. Maybe that was the case with the one older guy you slept with, POANGO, or maybe he's just a considerate lover and he would've been just as awesome in the sack even his dick was enormous. Again, hard to extrapolate from a sample size of one.
3. Maybe we should cut your boyfriend some slack. By your own admission, POANGO, you're not easy to get off, you've had this problem with previous boyfriends, and this guy is the only guy who's ever gotten you off without an assist from a vibrator. But necks cramp, tongues give out, fingers go numb. Since you know a vibrator gets you there quicker, POANGO, I think you should keep a vibrator handy when you're having sex. Give the boyfriend permission to use it if and when his neck/tongue/fingers need a break. If you know he's free to transition to the vibrator when he gets tired, you'll be able to relax and enjoy his tongue/fingers without guilt. If he knows he can transition to the vibrator when he gets tired, he'll be less reluctant to initiate tongue and/or finger action.
Just having the vibrator around—as a backup—will take the pressure off you both. And less pressure means less performance anxiety and less performance anxiety generally leads to more and better orgasms.