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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Where Do I Meet Young Kinksters?

Posted by on Wed, Feb 27, 2013 at 3:24 PM

I'm a young gay kinkster interested in other young kinksters, but I'm not quite sure how to go about finding someone. I'd like to pursue a relationship with somebody who shares my kink cards (mostly BDSM), but I don't know where to look. Obviously, in this day in age, the Internet is a powerful tool for such things, but where to turn? I'm in my early 20s, and I'd prefer to stay close to my own age. Suggestions?

Curious Boy is Troubled

I'm running around Los Angeles being stupid and boring—LA is about meetings and hugs and bottled water—so I passed your question to Tynan Fox, a young gay kinkster who's a blogger, speaker, activist, and regular "Savage Love" and "Savage Lovecast" guest expert. Tynan's response is after the jump.


This response is by Tynan Fox.

Good for you for seeking out your desires, CBT. Many guys your age are still struggling with being gay, let alone being kinky and gay. I can sympathize with feeling a little bit alone at this age and this stage. Finding other trustworthy young people to meet up with in my early 20s wasn't easy in rural Missouri. I hope you're located a bit closer to a metro-area than I was. Personally, once I found someone on RECON, I had to drive four hours from my college town to meet up with him. Was it worth it? Absolutely. My point is to not let yourself get discouraged if you don't find someone right down the street.

The internet is a powerful tool indeed, and it would seem that most gay male kinksters swarm around RECON. Two other sites where you'll find other young gay men into BDSM are and Be advised that these are hook-up sites. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, CBT, and who knows? You could end up finding the love of your life one of these sites. Personally, I know of one RECON hookup between two gay 21-year-olds that lead to them getting married a few years later.

You could also try, although gay kinksters have been a bit slower to embrace this platform than our straight/pan/lesbian/poly/asexual brothers and sisters.

Whatever venue you go with, CBT, don't dive in so quickly that you forget about BDSM safety. (We all love our balls getting smacked once in a while, but most of us probably aren't down for non-consensual castration.) Remember to meet up a prospective play partner in a public place before playing and get to know them a bit. Ask for references. Leave the person's name, address, and phone number with a (responsible) friend in case something goes wrong. You can send a text message to your trusted friend to let them know you're alright and the person you met up with is trustworthy. But if you think that they're NOT trustworthy, CBT, trust your gut. If you're not feeling comfortable or things aren't feeling safe, get the fuck out of there before you're in a situation where you can't leave.


Comments (9) RSS

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eclexia 1

You're always in L.A. and have never done an open event... Not a slog-happy, not a live Savage Love, nada.

The reason everyone is being boring is that developing entertainment puts you in contact with professionally bland people. I think your readers would be less boring.
Posted by eclexia on February 27, 2013 at 4:18 PM · Report this
eclexia 2
No, wait-- there was that cable TV filming in Glendale 4 years back or so. Waited in 103 degree heat for an hour and got screamed at by a 3rd-rate stand up "comic" before seeing you on stage. Your bit was fun, but it doesn't really count as a social event, as there was no mixing, even between readers....
Posted by eclexia on February 27, 2013 at 4:23 PM · Report this
As a 21 yo, male, bi (okay, I haven't slept with a girl since I was 19 - so, gay) kinkster, Recon is absolutely the place to look. The downside is that the vast majority of the guys on it are old - or at least, far older than me. First off, I recommend not knocking people off just because they're old - when I was 19, I spent 10 months getting tied up by a 52 year old dom who knew exactly what he was doing - it was awesome.

However, if old guys don't get you off no matter what, then just go through Grindr, Adam4Adam, or manhunt and hit on as many young guys you find attractive as possible. A lot more of them are into kink than you might think - and many of them don't even know it yet. Two of my best, most recent subs (including one who's currently my slave), I met on Grindr - and neither of them knew how much fun kink was until they jumped in my bed.

In short - shotgun theory it.
Posted by BlackJack on February 27, 2013 at 7:08 PM · Report this
4 in invaluable as a place to discuss kink. It's designed not to facilitate hookups they do happen. While is it dominated by straights, gay guys have our groups there. Start with the Gay Male BDSM Mentoring group.
Posted by vab251 on February 27, 2013 at 7:21 PM · Report this
There are probably a lot of people who may disagree with me, but it might be worth making an okcupid profile. A LOT of the match questions on sexuality have a BDSM bent. Besides asking people straight out whether they're kinky, they ask people particulars about what might might turn them on. Some of the questions might also help the LW find people who have kinky tendencies but might not be part of that community yet. For example, one of the questions is, "Would it excite you to get slapped across the face?"
Posted by pavloviandoggy on February 27, 2013 at 8:31 PM · Report this
Fetlife is great. I also know people who have had success with OKCupid so that's a good idea too.

You might want to look for TNG groups (at least that's what they're usually called around here) - it stands for The Next Generation and they generally cater to the 18-35 range.
Posted by daphne24 on February 28, 2013 at 9:31 AM · Report this
thecheesegirl 7
@6: I can't help but imagine Patrick Stewart all in black latex and wielding a whip...
Posted by thecheesegirl on February 28, 2013 at 3:36 PM · Report this
thecheesegirl 9
@8: This is true; although latex and whips aren't my personal thing, I could imagine accepting if Sir Patrick offered to wine and dine me and take me back to his place...
Posted by thecheesegirl on February 28, 2013 at 9:58 PM · Report this
@7 - I know. It's not a great abbreviation but I didn't create it and I aged out years ago :(
Posted by daphne24 on March 1, 2013 at 5:36 AM · Report this

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