Slog
News & ArtsTuesday, February 19, 2013
Crime / Religion God's Match for You?
Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 8:22 AM
Only according to the Republican Rape Caucus. Meet the Christian Mingle Rapist.
31
@25: Got it. Yeah, "Jesus-approved" would be a risk factor. Or, as I hear from people so often, "God has a plan for me." And it would be easy to assume/hope that his plan about you finding a partner would involve his one-and-only-approved-sect-out-of-8,000-operated dating website. Well, maybe that plan includes getting raped.
It is sort of bizarre how God gets credit when you find a good job or partner or cure, but no blame when you get fired, raped, or with terminal cancer.
It is sort of bizarre how God gets credit when you find a good job or partner or cure, but no blame when you get fired, raped, or with terminal cancer.
30
@20,
So instead he would have waited until he gained her trust to rape her. Maybe he would have just offered to drive her home and raped her in his car.
Frankly, almost every single woman has made the mistake of trusting a man too soon after meeting him, largely because there's literally no other way to handle dating.
Even I've made that mistake, allowing some guy I barely knew to drive me home for example. In my case, I was lucky that he didn't rape me and I was lucky that I realized my mistake (without having to pay for it first) and didn't repeat it.
I challenge you to find any woman who hasn't made that kind of "mistake" at some point in her dating life. I also challenge you to find men who don't flip their shit over a woman not trusting them from the word go. There are some, but not many. Most men in this country are not understanding of women's lack of trust of strange men.
So instead he would have waited until he gained her trust to rape her. Maybe he would have just offered to drive her home and raped her in his car.
Frankly, almost every single woman has made the mistake of trusting a man too soon after meeting him, largely because there's literally no other way to handle dating.
Even I've made that mistake, allowing some guy I barely knew to drive me home for example. In my case, I was lucky that he didn't rape me and I was lucky that I realized my mistake (without having to pay for it first) and didn't repeat it.
I challenge you to find any woman who hasn't made that kind of "mistake" at some point in her dating life. I also challenge you to find men who don't flip their shit over a woman not trusting them from the word go. There are some, but not many. Most men in this country are not understanding of women's lack of trust of strange men.
29
The site says, "Find God's match for you". If God is doing the matching, then obviously the partner he picks for you is going to be a swell guy. If you can't trust God, who can you trust?
/irony off
/irony off
26
@25 The same could be true of "I'm safe because I took three weeks of karate" or "I'm safe because I know this neighborhood well" or "I'm safe because I don't associated with lowlifes." This isn't specific to religion.
We don't know that the woman did think she was safe because she was a Christian. The article says that he was arrested for burglary. She might have met him in a public cafe and he might have followed her home and broken into her house. The only thing we know about the role of religion in this crime is that the man met his victim on ChristianMingle.
We don't know that the woman did think she was safe because she was a Christian. The article says that he was arrested for burglary. She might have met him in a public cafe and he might have followed her home and broken into her house. The only thing we know about the role of religion in this crime is that the man met his victim on ChristianMingle.
25
@23 I get what you are saying. But I think the vulnerability in these cases is a belief god wouldn't let anyone harm you if you A,B,C... Here it's a Jesus approved web site. In that case, it really is religion that's the problem.
23
@17: I. for one, am not blaming religion for this. Rather the religious venue was a means to an end for the rapist. My point was that it is a very effective means to quickly establish (ill-advised) trust and hope in the victim. If he was good at it, he'd have been saying all the key phrases, "wait till marriage", "a woman who shares my values" "eventually have kids with someone and raise them within our church".
Anyone could similarly be disarmed through similar means. If you met me on a backpacking trip, you'd assume it speaks better of me than meeting at a pawnshop and generally you'd be right but still shouldn't turn off your radar or common sense. The insidious thing about some of these perps is that they intentionally go to those venues so they can fly under the radar.
When someone is trying TOO hard to present as a Christian / Green / Artsy / whatever, at a minimum they're a player. And maybe something worse.
Anyone could similarly be disarmed through similar means. If you met me on a backpacking trip, you'd assume it speaks better of me than meeting at a pawnshop and generally you'd be right but still shouldn't turn off your radar or common sense. The insidious thing about some of these perps is that they intentionally go to those venues so they can fly under the radar.
When someone is trying TOO hard to present as a Christian / Green / Artsy / whatever, at a minimum they're a player. And maybe something worse.
22
This is yet another instance where religion clouds judgement. It's called the dog-whistle effect. You believe something or somebody is inherently good because it says "Christian" or "God". Religious brainwashing is very effective.
20
@17 If you're meeting someone from an on-line dating site, it's probably best to meet them at a neutral site, with other people around. I doubt he would have raped her in a coffee shop.
19
Okay, there are plenty of things we can blame religion and the religious for, but come on. This is a rapist who happened to use a Christian site to find victims. There are just as many lonely, naive and desperate people on Match.com and eHarmony.
We should be telling the victims that the heathens of Slog will be not-praying for them. "Rape is bad" is something we should all be able to get behind.
We should be telling the victims that the heathens of Slog will be not-praying for them. "Rape is bad" is something we should all be able to get behind.
18
God's finds just the right rapist match when he intends for a woman to get pregnant.
I just wonder how they got God himself to be their web admin.
I just wonder how they got God himself to be their web admin.
17
I don't get the comments about inviting him home on the first date. Couldn't he have raped her in his car, in a park, or in some other location? Just happened to be her home. Wonder where he raped/assaulted the other women he met on Christian Mingle.
16
Guessing the women who he raped were really naive, and assumed that just because someone claimed to be Christian, doesn't mean he was a good person. The attack wasn't their fault, but it makes me sad that they weren't more suspicious.
That's one of the things I try to teach the college students I work with in campus ministry - just because it wears the label "Christian" doesn't make it automatically good. In a lot of cases, that label is just covering up garbage theology, bigotry, and prejudice.
That's one of the things I try to teach the college students I work with in campus ministry - just because it wears the label "Christian" doesn't make it automatically good. In a lot of cases, that label is just covering up garbage theology, bigotry, and prejudice.
15
This is right out of Con Man 101 - establish something in common with your victim to gain their trust. And women on a Christian dating site are going to be desperate for a guy their age who claims to be into Jesus - there's such a imbalance, women over men, among single, regular churchgoers.
This comes up even more pathologically in some bizarre murders - perps (men or women) who repeatedly marry and within a year, the new spouse is dead. The perp inherits a house, life insurance and then moves on to another state. Eventually an investigator gets suspicious, old spouses are exhumed and the same toxic metal or rat poison, etc, is found to have been used over months to cause a hard-to-diagnose degenerative disease.
Of the cases I can recall, I think they all met in church - again, trust is won quickly when you're praying to the same god, and the perp gets to see what car they drive, know their true occupation, neighborhood, etc.
This comes up even more pathologically in some bizarre murders - perps (men or women) who repeatedly marry and within a year, the new spouse is dead. The perp inherits a house, life insurance and then moves on to another state. Eventually an investigator gets suspicious, old spouses are exhumed and the same toxic metal or rat poison, etc, is found to have been used over months to cause a hard-to-diagnose degenerative disease.
Of the cases I can recall, I think they all met in church - again, trust is won quickly when you're praying to the same god, and the perp gets to see what car they drive, know their true occupation, neighborhood, etc.
14
ACD @5 deserves a repost of his/her unregistered comment:
"Leave it to Protestants to continue to cutout the middleman, even in sexual abuse."
"Leave it to Protestants to continue to cutout the middleman, even in sexual abuse."
13
So just because this was a "Godly" site, this woman felt comfortable inviting a perfect stranger from the Internet into her home?!
Thus, the inherent danger of thinking that anything with JESUS on it must be safe. Seriously? Christianity is not a magic totem to protect you from harm.
Thus, the inherent danger of thinking that anything with JESUS on it must be safe. Seriously? Christianity is not a magic totem to protect you from harm.
12
@ 11 - I thought that was called "rape by implementation." =/ Sounds like "penetration by force" is just one more way to remove the word "rape" from the court room.
11
@9, you're right... I should have Googled first... "Penetration by force" is penetration using a foreign object (i.e. not a "sexual organ").
10
So one woman invited a perfect stranger from the Internet to her house? Brilliant. Jesus makes you dumb, too.
9
@6: I wonder if it means "with an object" rather than a part of the body. California legal code thing.
8
Not blaming the victim, but probably not a good idea to invite a guy from the internet into your home on a first date.
6
From the story: "Sean Banks of Del Mar is charged with rape, burglary and penetration by force..."
Isn't "penetration by force" a form of rape? Seems like an oddly specific charge...
Isn't "penetration by force" a form of rape? Seems like an oddly specific charge...
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