by Dan Savage
on Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 5:24 PM
I'm 22-year-old straight girl with two problems that relate. I've been dating an awesome 22-year-old GGG guy for three years. We have good sex, similar values and plans, and lots of fun. We always fuck first. But he's backpacking in Australia, has been since November and will be until May. I'm in Edmonton, freezing cold and slogging my way through my undergrad work. That's problem number one.
Here's problem number two: one of my best friends at school is a super hot 19-year-old lesbian who is very touchy and flirtatious when we drink. Maybe it's because of this four month dry spell, Dan, but I have developed a raging crush. Do I mention this to her? I don't want to make her uncomfortable but I would actually like to experiment. There are other complications: the boyfriend and I are monogamous and I don't know how to address this with him. I guess my ideal situation would be fooling around with my friend after getting permission from the BF but that seems unlikely. Especially cause opening the relationship up while he's so far away doesn't seem particularly healthy. Plus I've never considered myself anything but straight and feel like this whole thing could just be the female version of thinking with my dick. I don't want to fuck things up with either of the people I love! Help!
Confused In Canada
My response after the jump...
Backpacking being what it is, Australians being what they are, and boyfriends being, well, boys, it seems highly likely that your boyfriend—backpacking through Australia for the last four months—has already crossed paths with one girl who made him feel the way your best friend at school is making you feel, i.e. crushed out, giddy, and guilty. At least one girl. Frankly, CIC, it wouldn't surprise me if your boyfriend had crossed a lot more than paths with a girl or two down there.
So here's what you're gonna do, CIC: you're gonna get your boyfriend on Skype and you're gonna confess. Unburden yourself, CIC. Tell your boyfriend about this girl who doesn't really present a threat to your relationship because she's a lesbian and you're straight and blah blah blah but you've developed this crazy and unexpected crush on her in his absence (be sure to drop an "in your absence" or two in there) and you're actually kinda curious about girl-on-girl sex and you're sorely tempted but of course you haven't done anything and of course you wouldn't do anything... without his permission. Then ask him how things are going for him.
If he has messed around with anyone over the last four months, CIC, there's a strong chance your awesome boyfriend will match your confession with one of his own and he'll encourage you to sleep with your lesbian pal in order to 1. even the score and 2. alleviate his guilt. And even if he hasn't messed around with anyone, CIC, he's probably had more than one opportunity to mess around and wanted to mess around but passed out of loyalty to you. Talking honestly about your crush could help you two come to a new agreement about your time apart: you're allowed to mess around a little, he's allowed to mess around a little, and so long as everyone is honest and the sex is safe and everything is above board... it's healthy.
As for your first big experiment with lesbian sex—which only happens if you get the go-ahead from the boyfriend and if your lesbian classmate is interested in being someone's experiment—here's hoping your college try goes better than Garfunkel & Oates's did...