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Thursday, February 14, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Ruff Butt

Posted by on Thu, Feb 14, 2013 at 3:48 PM

Originally published February 1, 2007:

When I was a promiscuous young man (read: straight college boy), I had lots of casual sex. I particularly loved anal sex. And I very particularly loved rough, unlubricated anal sex with women who enjoyed same. I swore thatI would never be with a woman who didn't love anal.

But I am now dating a woman whom I love intensely and who is open to anal sex, but we just can't make it happen. Toys, fingering, eating ass, fucking—it all hurts her. She is a ballerina and, therefore, small with a tight frame. Is there a best plan of action here? She wants to do it, but obviously neither of us wants to see her hurt. Please help. This is important to me.

Boy Wants Anal Action

My response after the jump...

Toys, if they're too big and ineptly employed, can hurt. Fingers, with bony knuckles and sharp nails, can hurt. Fucking, which involves fucking, can hurt. But eating ass never hurt anyone. So unless you're wearing a diamond-encrusted grill or you studied eating ass under Jeffrey Dahmer, there are only three plausible explanations for this baffling assertion, listed here in ascending order of plausibility: 1. Your tongue is four feet long and it irritates her esophagus when you rim her. 2. She's got a very serious medical condition—chronic fissures? terminal hemorrhoids? suppurating gunshot wound?—that she hasn't told you about because she doesn't want or need your damn pity. 3. She doesn't like anal and never will, but she's telling you what you want to hear.

But let's take her at her word: She wants it. So what can you do to make it happen? First, forget those women you met at college who liked their anal rough and unlubricated. (Where the fuck did you go to college? The University of North Carolina at Bloody Stool?) Most people—sober people, male and female people—require tons of foreplay and gallons of lube before buttfucking. The foreplay can include rimming, fingers, vibrators, and the sensuous application of lube—lots of lube. Then, once everyone is nice and relaxed, you slowly penetrate your partner, giving his or her anal sphincter additional time to relax.

If you've been doing all this and it hasn't worked, well, then dating this dancer means going without anal.

 

Comments (37) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
ArtBasketSara 1
Ha ha...brilliant.
Posted by ArtBasketSara on February 14, 2013 at 3:52 PM · Report this
2
Also, she should use a vibe on herself at the same time (in addition to all the other stuff Dan says). This is the only thing that has ever worked for me, but I've never seen Dan mention it before. Works like a charm!
Posted by Ashley on February 14, 2013 at 4:10 PM · Report this
eclexia 3
Could be an allergic reaction to something in his spit. Or to something that was rubbed against her ass before he began licking.

Latex would be my first suspect. Lots of people have a mild latex allergy that doesn't manifest unless it gets rubbed against a mucus membrane. Does her ass feel like the tissue is swelling up during play?

Second/third guesses would be yeast and sugar. Many lubes contain sugar. It can hurt buttholes. His saliva may contain yeast, and she could have a yeast allergy.

After that, I got not nothing.
Posted by eclexia on February 14, 2013 at 4:29 PM · Report this
eclexia 4
Some people are allergic to plastics (or at least, to the stuff that's added to plastic). Silicone toys are a better bet than rubber or plastic. Also, steel (but much more expensive).
Posted by eclexia on February 14, 2013 at 4:30 PM · Report this
biju 5
Ah, tiny dancer...
Posted by biju on February 14, 2013 at 4:45 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 6
dude, you do not have a problem. you're fucking a BALLERINA.

stop whinging.
Posted by Max Solomon on February 14, 2013 at 4:45 PM · Report this
7
Ugh. What the hell does having a tiny frame have to do with not being able to take it up the butt? No, it's all about being able to relax and take your time.

My money is on she doesn't like anal. I'm crazy for the butt sex too, and I haven't met anyone who, if they weren't up for rimming, were still up for any other kind of butt sex.
Posted by gromm on February 14, 2013 at 4:50 PM · Report this
Lose-Lose 8
I'm with @6!
Posted by Lose-Lose on February 14, 2013 at 5:20 PM · Report this
9
He gets a point for using the W-word at every opportunity.
Posted by vennominon on February 14, 2013 at 5:22 PM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 10
What goes on in the mind to create these ideas? Mmmmm.... dancer... works out a lot... tight frame... yes... shrinks the butthole... ballet workout shrinks and shrinks the butthole tighter and tighter...because ballet! Seriously?
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn http://youtu.be/zu-akdyxpUc on February 14, 2013 at 5:26 PM · Report this
blip 11
I find it hard to believe any woman enjoys rough and unlubricated anal, let alone several of them. I think maybe this guy has a long history of being told what he wants to hear.
Posted by blip on February 14, 2013 at 5:27 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 13
"I very particularly loved rough, unlubricated anal sex with women who enjoyed same.
...
we just can't make it happen."

I see a trend.
Posted by undead ayn rand on February 14, 2013 at 6:05 PM · Report this
14
I suspect @11 is right. I LOLd at the "where the fuck did you go to college?" line because I was thinking the same thing. Makes the letter sound fake, or maybe the guy was so "casual" that he didn't do repeats? I can't imagine the population of "tried receiving rough unlubed anal, would like repeat" population is high anywhere. I can imagine the "tried receiving unlubed anal because a guy asked, definitely not doing that again" population to be higher.
Posted by wxPDX on February 14, 2013 at 6:21 PM · Report this
15
Also if they don't have a copy of "Anal Sex for Women" by Tristan Taraontino, they should get one and both read it immediately.
Posted by wxPDX on February 14, 2013 at 6:22 PM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 16
Fake. Ballerina = "small with a tight frame" has nothing to do with her anus. It's like suggesting small tight guys have small dicks. Often they have huge dicks. Like #12 said, he has no idea what he's demanding take place. I think this is a fake.
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on February 14, 2013 at 6:24 PM · Report this
17
Dan you were way to easy on BWAA. Unlubricated anal sex, your just asking for trouble. Dan I am just shocked you didn't spell this out to him harshly complete with links to pictures of infected anuses. and then invite him to drop his ass on an unlubed dildo if he still doesn't understand.

Rough anal all good after your partner is well lubed, relaxed, opened and has had a chance to adjust to feeling your cock in there. Hit those marks go head bang away.

Some one needs to slap BWAA upside the head hard.

BWAA, you want to fuck her ass, rim her good, rim her deep, rim here for a long time (read that as twice as long as you think is needed, no 3 times as long since your a dumb ass) only then may you drench a finger, one finger, and try and gently work it into her ass. Then you are to to eat her pussy while massaging her prostate with your finger tip. After she comes, you say thank you for letting me pleasure you. Do that 3 or 4 times and maybe maybe you'll have earned the right to try fucking her ass.

Either that BWAA or bend over and let her ram a strap on up your unlubed boipussy you stupid straight fuck,

Posted by Machiavelli was framed on February 14, 2013 at 6:36 PM · Report this
18
http://observer.com/2004/10/the-ballerin…

a book by a ballet dancer who loves buttsex.
Posted by fubarista on February 14, 2013 at 6:42 PM · Report this
Noadi 19
@17 Since nowhere in the letter did the LW say his girlfriend was trans I think you might want to brush up on female anatomy if you think most women have a prostate.
Posted by Noadi http://noadi.net on February 14, 2013 at 6:49 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 20
@17: "Then you are to to eat her pussy while massaging her prostate"

Er, ah, ummm.
Posted by undead ayn rand on February 14, 2013 at 6:51 PM · Report this
21
@19 opps. Sorry I've had more practice with male anatomy. Thats what I get for posting after a few beers and not proof reading. But I'm sure you got my point.
Posted by Machiavelli was framed on February 14, 2013 at 6:53 PM · Report this
23
@7 - I am totally not okay with rimming, but am okay with being anally fucked without lube. Of course, I also dislike oral sex in general. Ah, the trials and tribulations of being a masochist. You may need to widen (hahaha) your sample.
Posted by DarthKelly on February 14, 2013 at 6:56 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 24
This is six years old, I wonder what's been doing since then...

Wait a minute. Paul Ryan? Is that you?
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on February 14, 2013 at 7:00 PM · Report this
shurenka 25
@2 is correct, in my anecdotal experience. If she is using a vibrator (or getting herself off however she likes) it might make the sensation more enjoyable.
Posted by shurenka on February 14, 2013 at 7:48 PM · Report this
26
btw Dan: http://americablog.com/2013/02/hpv-epide…

Good time to tell people to use preventative contraception!
Posted by Drew2u on February 14, 2013 at 7:50 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 27
Being a smaller person definitely makes for a smaller anus and rectum, at least in my experience with men. So I don't call fake like Sargon, BUT- totally agree that if BWAA has found women who like dry and rough anal, he's found the only ones on the planet. Sheesh.
Perhaps they (like men into anal bottoming) took a few minutes beforehand to lube themselves up? That's the ONLY way I can see anyone enjoying 'dry' anal sex.
Posted by OutInBumF on February 14, 2013 at 8:13 PM · Report this
28
I know this is boring but this one always seemed fake to me.

Yeah, yeah, I know--every letter is a potentially helpful teaching opportunity, so literal veracity is just a secondary consideration.

But multiple lady partners who were down with no-lube-rough-and-tumble-anal, AND he's now banging a ballerina? Riiiiiiight. To me it screams a dude who has never done anal, and is describing his masturbatory fantasies of anal.
Posted by Functional Atheist on February 14, 2013 at 8:30 PM · Report this
29
Dittoes to 11. It's that or it's fake. PS to OP, leave her ass alone. She doesn't like this.
Posted by Moggadeet on February 14, 2013 at 8:56 PM · Report this
aureolaborealis 30
Well ... the first woman I dated who was into bum fun was also into unlubed -- though not rough -- bum fun. Also, I learned that there was a price: no bum fun for a while after unlubed bum fun.
It's possible that she's into it in principle, but can't get the image of his wild ass-ravaging days out of her head whenever he's trying to shoehorn his cock into her ass.
Maybe no cock for a while, just toys of her choosing, and she does the driving.
Posted by aureolaborealis on February 14, 2013 at 9:36 PM · Report this
Clara T 31
Test 1,2
Posted by Clara T on February 15, 2013 at 7:25 AM · Report this
Cook 32
i lol'ed at least three times reading this. lol, larry, lol.
Posted by Cook on February 15, 2013 at 9:19 AM · Report this
seandr 33
@18: Loved that book.
Posted by seandr on February 15, 2013 at 9:21 AM · Report this
34
"The University of North Carolina at Bloody Stool" -- I think they just call it "Duke" now.
Posted by sugar7898 on February 15, 2013 at 10:03 AM · Report this
35
@23: How do you even get a dick in (and out, and in) there without any lube or rimming? Are you just really good at relaxing the sphincter muscles? I'm legitimately curious about how it doesn't hurt the penetrating partner too, since even too-dry vaginal sex has previously been painful for my partner.
Posted by PsychoLinguist on February 15, 2013 at 10:34 AM · Report this
debug 37
You're with somebody who can bounce a quarter off her belly/ass, can do the splits, put her ankles behind her ears, probably is light enough to hold up, and who knows what else (blow you while on-point in her toe-shoes?) and you're crabbing about not being able to go to brown-town right away.

I'm more insulted by your lack of creativity and appreciation than anything else. Like being handed the keys to a porche and being pissed that it doesn't do off-road well.
Posted by debug on February 15, 2013 at 11:15 AM · Report this
xjuan 38
I believe BWAA found the only woman in his town who likes it dry and rough TWICE. That makes the multiple he talks about.
Posted by xjuan on February 16, 2013 at 12:58 PM · Report this
39
As a professional (male) dancer who has slept with a handful of other professional (male) dancers, I'd like to point out to those saying, "Dude, you're fucking a ballerina!" that being a dancer does not necessarily make one good in bed. Yes, dancers tend to have good bodies, and those bodies tend to be flexible, but that gets old fast if the dancer you happen to be with is a terrible kisser, smells bad, just lays there during sex, etc. Sorry to destroy your fantasies...
Posted by TenrSinger on February 16, 2013 at 8:33 PM · Report this
40
LW forgot to mention he's a housecat & has a sandpaper tongue. That's why the rim jobs hurt, too.
Posted by Uncle Joe on February 17, 2013 at 2:14 PM · Report this

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