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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Worst Kind of Smoker

Posted by on Wed, Feb 13, 2013 at 11:26 AM

A recent arrival in the I, Anonymous mailbag:

Dear Smokers-Talking-About-Smoking,

We met again this week, and again you blew so much smoke up my ass my farts will keep me fixed until we meet again next week. You’re a specific kind of smoker. For the most part you’re not addicted, yet your belt is full of notches for every time you’ve tried to “quit.” You bond over hackneyed chronicles of falling victim to the service industry’s oppressive policy to only grant breaks to those who return to work reeking of teenage rebellion; or to the imposing pressure of the smoking habits of your roommates in that one house that one year when you finally discovered that you could own your body, and thus your independence (aka adulthood), by being fucking shitty to it. Every conversation starts the same: “I want a fucking cigarette.” One person then casually agrees before another declares that that sounds great, but alas, he or she is trying to “quit.” Then a tried-and-true dialog ensues in which all involved bond over how lame smoking really is. Brands are compared, someone comments on the health consequences, but most importantly they all agree that smoking isn’t even cool. And then of course the person trying to quit remarks on how nice a cigarette sounds after that thoughtful conversation. Queue GROUP LAUGH HAHA I KNOW IT’S SO BAD! But really, shut your fucking smokeholes you sheep. You DO think it’s cool. You so transparently think smoking is cool that you WON’T FUCKING STOP TALKING ABOUT SMOKING! Or maybe you’re just looking for affirmation that your neo-hypocritical “I’m cool because I begrudgingly do something that isn’t cool” stance is still cool to someone. I realize you think you’re making a decision free of influence, and that’s the real appeal of being an adult… it’s also the single biggest and most lasting success of tobacco marketing (RIP). If you’re going to smoke, smoke because you like it (or even because you’re addicted, I guess) – not because it’s a badge of honor you think you’ll carry through adulthood. Be yourself either way, but I hope I don’t see any of you insufferable pawns at next week’s smoke breaks.


Comments (17) RSS

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Drug addicts are usually no fun to be around. Particularly the ones that smell band and make you smell bad if you hang around too long.
Posted by tiktok on February 13, 2013 at 11:51 AM · Report this
treacle 2
Maybe, à la the discussion of the T. gondii parasite controlling rat cat & human brains, tobaccy is actually some sort of parasite that controls smokers brains causing them to only have lame, forced conversations with other smokers about how smoking is bad ha ha so they can cover the fact that they are actually smoking in secret, to satisfy their parasite's needs. Especially the really crappy cigarette tobacco, that stuff is definitely parasitic.
Posted by treacle on February 13, 2013 at 11:52 AM · Report this
All smokers are the worst kind of smoker. There is no best kind.
Posted by originalcinner on February 13, 2013 at 11:58 AM · Report this
Oh an anti-smoking rant. I wish I had thought of that.
Posted by I could have ranted that in 25 words or less on February 13, 2013 at 11:59 AM · Report this
@3 FTW
Posted by I Got Nuthin' on February 13, 2013 at 12:08 PM · Report this
I have sympathy for smokers because there are several in my family. But they try to be "better" smokers, e.g. do not smoke inside or upwind of others, do not litter, do not take more breaks than other employees, ask those around you if they mind if you smoke, etc. So while I agree with the sentiment that there is no "good" kind of smoker, there are degrees of better and worse.
Posted by wxPDX on February 13, 2013 at 12:12 PM · Report this
Chip 7
To be fair to the smoker, the service industry truly won't let anyone take a break if they're not actively sucking on a cigarette.
Posted by Chip on February 13, 2013 at 12:19 PM · Report this
watchout5 8
So many smokers like this at my work but they don't complain as much, most do it for promotions, because you get more face time with more people at the company who make decisions. They don't even smoke what I smoke. :(
Posted by watchout5 on February 13, 2013 at 12:32 PM · Report this
Michael of the Green 9
Posted by Michael of the Green on February 13, 2013 at 12:48 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 10
i'd like to show all smokers before & after pictures of my high school crush, a heavy smoker even back then. it ain't pretty.
Posted by Max Solomon on February 13, 2013 at 1:09 PM · Report this
What's with people's hatred for smokers, as if it really makes a difference on your life to smell a cigarette for 5 seconds. Just let smokers bond and share this ritual with each other. I think anonymous is just jealous that these people share a bond that they can't take part in. But it's a bond through their addiction, which is a curse not a blessing. I'm sure it's the same bond you share with your fellow Cross-Fitters or whatever lame activity you take part in.
Posted by Misty on February 13, 2013 at 1:15 PM · Report this
@11 I got the impression that anonymous is in fact a smoker just one that doesn't consider smoking a 'badge of honor'. Apparently he or she imagines that there is some other reason people take up smoking other than the belief that having a ridiculous smouldering facial protrusion that makes you reek like a garbage incinerator is cool and sexy.
Posted by Rhizome on February 13, 2013 at 1:35 PM · Report this
I didn't read this as an anti-smoker rant at all; I actually thought the writer was a smoker. it's a rant against whiny smokers who have to pretend that they aren't smokers, or they're going to quit next week, or there is some reason other than personal choice that has conspired to make them smoke (even though it's sooooo terrible). just shut up and smoke already!

It's the same as ladies who go out to eat and twitter (old school style, NOT Twitter) about how they are dieting, and sugar is so nad for you, and they really shouldn't but.... and then gorge on some mountainous dessert. Just eat the damned cake and don't make any apologies for it!
Posted by genevieve on February 13, 2013 at 1:36 PM · Report this
Thanks @12 and @13. Looks like you're right. I guess my comments apply to some of the previous commenters then. I'm an ex-smoker and remember how snotty people get about smoking. I always think, what if you said that to someone who was obese? Yes, this is one of my canned rants on smoking (perchance similar to the "I gotta quit" rant), but it legitimately angers me.
Posted by Misty on February 13, 2013 at 3:17 PM · Report this
The best way for anon to get away from those annoying smokers is to stop smoking themselves.
Posted by treehugger on February 13, 2013 at 4:31 PM · Report this
@11 and 14
If I share your cigarette for 5 seconds (it is never 5 seconds, always more) I get an asthma attack. Pot smoke does the same to me. Do whatever you want to yourself, but don't do it to me. Obese people don't force food into my mouth.
Posted by pussnboots on February 13, 2013 at 6:31 PM · Report this
The smokers who think that it sucks don't talk about smoking; they talk about quitting. Hang with them.
Posted by woof on February 14, 2013 at 7:33 AM · Report this

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