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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Juice Fast, Day Three: A Single Avocado

Posted by on Wed, Feb 6, 2013 at 11:44 AM

I'm about halfway through this goddamn juice fast. If I had opted for one that lasted three days, it would almost be time for that free cheeseburger from Cienna. As it is, I'm going till Friday. DUMB IDEA, ME.

AMAZING.
  • ANNA MINARD
  • AMAZING.
They said if I "absolutely need to eat," I should "try raw food" because something something enzymes. So last night I had an avocado. It was beautiful! I have never appreciated an avocado more. If nothing else, this not eating is making me love food so much more than ever before, which I didn't think was possible. So that's good. (Right? Wait, what? No. I don't know. JOOOOSE BRAIN.) Yesterday, I tried to get someone at my house to make a fresh pot of coffee just so I could smell it.

I'm trying to ration better for daytime, so I saved half of last night's juice dinner for this morning. And Kelly O gave me some barley tea that tastes like crackers—it's like a snack! Whenever I talk about having a tea snack, Cienna almost cries. And then she eats something.

Yesterday, as I was losing the will to live, I went to Strawberry Moon Juice's website. I was looking for some sparkling copy telling me what, exactly, the point of all this was, which I realized I'd forgotten to think about in the first place. I wanted to believe, even if it was through a juice-haze. There was NOTHING. There's a blog that mentions studies or articles on fasting, but I guess I wanted the full Gwyneth, something dazzling about cleansing and freshness and how it will prevent cancer and make me smarter/better. Nope!

Instead, I feel alternately poetic (lines from Sylvia Plath poems about sickness and injury keep running through my head) and desolate. I am cold and tired all the time. I have a headache. I have to walk past two pizza restaurants on my route home.

I'm going to go drink some lunch.

 

Comments (29) RSS

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pfffter 1
"The full Gwyneth"! HAHAHAHA. I love it. Keep it up. I want to find out what kind of strange headtrip you're on by day 5.

Although now I'm starting to rethink my fervor for doing this. Sounds rough.
Posted by pfffter on February 6, 2013 at 11:54 AM · Report this
2
Women talking about their diets is mind-numbingly boring - in real life and online. Why are you doing this? Why are we supposed care? Do you not actually have anything of value to report or discuss?
Posted by xina on February 6, 2013 at 12:07 PM · Report this
Phoebe in Wallingford 3
@2: I couldn't have said it any better.
Posted by Phoebe in Wallingford on February 6, 2013 at 12:12 PM · Report this
Fnarf 4
If the series directs people away from the stupidity called "juice cleanse", it will have performed a valuable public service.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on February 6, 2013 at 12:13 PM · Report this
5
@2: I find it very interesting.
Posted by Hanoumatoi on February 6, 2013 at 12:15 PM · Report this
6
I just went to their website and saw that this 5 day cleanse is $230!
Posted by jwlsesq on February 6, 2013 at 12:17 PM · Report this
evilvolus 7
Wow, it's almost like your body is trying to tell you something. Something like "For the love of God, this is the worst thing you've ever done to me!"
Posted by evilvolus on February 6, 2013 at 12:21 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 8
@6 wow. That's a trip to Costco for a family.
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on February 6, 2013 at 12:22 PM · Report this
AmyC 9
I once declined a favorite snack while at a friend's house, at which she gave me the side-eyeball. So I launched into this story about how the Mr. and I were on this diet, and the first two days were easy but now it's getting difficult, but I really want to stick with it because I'm 10lbs more than I was in high school, and I just want to see if I can finish the whole thing as an exercise of will, blah blah blah. She just LOOKED at me. After a few seconds she just said, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If you want to test your will, see if you can read a poem every day for a week. Do not fuck around with food, dumbass." I love her.
Posted by AmyC on February 6, 2013 at 12:28 PM · Report this
Jesus 10
don't forget to describe your poops. we are all on the edge of our seats
Posted by Jesus on February 6, 2013 at 12:35 PM · Report this
Aurora Erratic 11
Um, just don't do it. You acknowledge it's pointless, and cheeseburgers are not so very expensive.
Posted by Aurora Erratic http://www.finemesspottery.com on February 6, 2013 at 12:36 PM · Report this
12
Around day three, while making juice, just the smell of celery makes me desperately want to eat them. Incidentally, and a little late now, I find that eating anything on a juice diet makes the cravings for food worse. If I don't eat anything at all, by day 4 or 5 I'm not hungry at all and find 64oz of juice a day to be more than enough. If I eat some celery on the way because it smells so good, it delays the time when I'll be satisfied with just juice.

That said, I am on a juice diet for weight loss/control, not cleansing. I gave up on multi-day juicing because A) it was too hard to accomplish, not so much from a can-i-really-only-eat-juice standpoint but from a family dynamic and shopping standpoint. And B) Recidivism (weight regaining) was too easy. Currently I juice two days, eat 'normally' for 1-2 days, then juice..etc. So far it seems to be working quite well and it is easy, at least for me, to stick with it.

Obviously, just because something works for me, doesn't mean it will work for anyone else.
Posted by randoma on February 6, 2013 at 12:38 PM · Report this
Unregistered User 13
This seems like a nice opportunity to get the company involved and directly ask some hard questions about the science behind this luxury product and write a real interesting article.
Posted by Unregistered User on February 6, 2013 at 12:46 PM · Report this
pfffter 14
@13 YES! Give us the full Gwyneth, Anna!
Posted by pfffter on February 6, 2013 at 12:51 PM · Report this
15
Boring AND self-indulgent! Congrats Anna!
Posted by ohthetrees on February 6, 2013 at 1:07 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 16
It sounds like the beginning of an eating disorder. Didn't Dan just post his favorite Karen Carpenter song?
Posted by Pope Peabrain on February 6, 2013 at 1:10 PM · Report this
pfffter 17
Sorry all you haters, but I find this series eminently more interesting than anything Chuck has ever written.
Posted by pfffter on February 6, 2013 at 1:13 PM · Report this
blip 18
I'm officially downgrading my opinion of juice cleanses from dumb and pointless to dumb, pointless, and dangerous.
Posted by blip on February 6, 2013 at 1:18 PM · Report this
zivilisierter Wurm 19
Anna, unless you're willing to go balls deep you're wasting your time. I'm talking wheat-grass enemas here, not some fly-by-night juice "cleanse." Personally, I just extract all of my nutrition from the restorative energies of alfalfa and pass a walnut-sized turd every Tuesday.

I'm serious about the wheat-grass enemas though - shit exists. I had a hippie roommate who was all about it.
Posted by zivilisierter Wurm http://peregrinari.tumblr.com/ on February 6, 2013 at 1:32 PM · Report this
Phoebe in Wallingford 20
@12: But do you feel like exercising? Are you at least walking around the lake?
Posted by Phoebe in Wallingford on February 6, 2013 at 1:38 PM · Report this
Arsenic7 21
I think the point is that reading this whole line of posts is hilarious.
Posted by Arsenic7 on February 6, 2013 at 1:46 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 22
It sounds like your juice has sustenance. Back in the day, the Master Cleanse was just lemonade followed by salt water.

You made a 64 oz pitcher of spicy lemonade with fresh lemons, cayenne pepper and a little bit of maple syrup. Drink all day. Add in water if needed. Then, finish it off with a flush of moderately warm salt water, which will make you shit our your insides.

It was far cheaper than TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY DOLLARS.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on February 6, 2013 at 2:12 PM · Report this
chinaski 23
@22 if you simply add vodka to your recipe you'll get all the sustenance you can handle.
Posted by chinaski on February 6, 2013 at 2:46 PM · Report this
24
@20, I do fairly intense exercise 3-4 days a week. My energy level, as long as I keep my water intake up, is similar on 'juice' days as on 'regular' days.

@22, that sounds terrifying.
Posted by randoma on February 6, 2013 at 2:47 PM · Report this
25
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2012/10/17/…

Why not make a bet who can smoke cigarettes for a week? Or who can eat McDonalds everyday. Actually the latter would be more entertaining for all of us. Honestly your self deprecation just saddens me. And makes me hungry.
Posted by michael bell on February 6, 2013 at 3:29 PM · Report this
26
How does it taste? Is it worth the price?
Posted by ishf on February 6, 2013 at 4:30 PM · Report this
Michael of the Green 27
For a second here, I thought I was on Twitter. Now I know why the 140 character limit makes sense.
Posted by Michael of the Green on February 6, 2013 at 4:50 PM · Report this
eclexia 28
You are doing this for absolutely no reason. It is the worst type of quack-quack-quackery. You may loose weight. A few decades ago, women swallowed tapeworm eggs for the same reason. Good idea? What if it were free?

You loose weight on what amounts to a crash-diet, you will put the weight back on. That's called yo-yo dieting. It is horribly, horribly, terribly bad for your health.
Posted by eclexia on February 6, 2013 at 11:50 PM · Report this
29
You are an idiot. You are on what amounts to a crash diet and all this "juice brain" stuff is basically your body going into a tailspin as it cries out for real food. This is not a "cleanse" this is self abuse. Help yourself to a nice plate of your favorite solid food. You deserve it.
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on February 7, 2013 at 6:37 PM · Report this

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