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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Anna, I Totally Owe You a Burger

Posted by on Tue, Feb 5, 2013 at 1:18 PM

So here's the deal: Last night, I got invited over to a friend's house, one thing led to another, and suddenly I'm stuffing my cake hole with seafood paella and beet salad. When that ran out, I was forced to eat slices of ham wrapped around cheese sticks. And then crackers. And more cheese. And an after-dinner mint.

The paella was viscous enough to slurp through a bubble-tea straw, so I could make the case that I didn't just cheerfully drive our stupid crash diet off a cliff. But we both know that I'm going to keep eating solid foods because solid foods are tasty.

Full disclosure, my cheeks are stuffed with almonds as I type this.

And since Slog seems to agree with my mother that an amateur like me shouldn't be ingesting unidentified curse remedies delivered through the USPS—thanks, a lot guys—my motivation to drink juice and/or wine from a box for lunch has plummeted. I suppose I'll have to cure my curses the old fashioned way, with an amethyst up the rectum.

But kudos to you, Anna, for soldiering on and drinking juiced cilantro for lunch. I will support you in the best way I know how—by buying you your first post-juice-cleanse hamburger. With cheese!


Comments (21) RSS

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Was the mint... wafer thin?
Posted by UNPAID COMMENTER on February 5, 2013 at 1:38 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 2
Amethysts are not very fun, if you place them there.

I'd try a smooth ruby instead.
Posted by Will in Seattle on February 5, 2013 at 1:57 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 3
Shopkeeper: [Homer has agreed to purchase a Krusty doll for Bart's birthday] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!

Homer: Ooh, that's bad.

Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!

Homer: That's good.

Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer: That's bad.

Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.

Homer: That's good!

Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

[Homer looks puzzled]

Shopkeeper: ...That's bad.

Homer: Can I go now?
Posted by Urgutha Forka on February 5, 2013 at 2:00 PM · Report this
In2ishn 4
I love The Simpson's but I think @1 the thinnest margin possible.
Posted by In2ishn on February 5, 2013 at 2:04 PM · Report this
wisepunk 5
I've never met Anna, but I have met Cienna. Which is why it made no goddamn sense to see her on a diet. Girl, you is thin, let your tummy enjoy everything this planets bounty has to offer.
Posted by wisepunk on February 5, 2013 at 2:12 PM · Report this
Pick1 6
I work writing for a health company and I spend much of my time combing research on the latest health fads.

"Cleanses" and "Detox" are market buzz words and they mean absolutely nothing.

Any doctor or researcher that has spent time with cleanses (that aren't on a cleanse company's payroll of course) will tell you same thing. Drinking only water or fruit juice is just as healthy...and that is to say, not very healthy. You may lose weight, but you're not getting any healthier.

Our bodies are not a cesspool of garbage calcifying in our organs.

Eat good things(balanced vitamins and minerals), eat in moderation, and exercise regularly. We found the silver bullet to healthy decades ago, but the health industry constantly tries to reinvent the wheel with shit like this.
Posted by Pick1 on February 5, 2013 at 2:14 PM · Report this
Allyn 7
@6 bah. there's nothing fun and shiny in "Eat good things(balanced vitamins and minerals), eat in moderation, and exercise regularly."

We want fads. We like fads. We feel productive with fads.

My next fad diet involves deep-fried crickets.
Posted by Allyn on February 5, 2013 at 2:29 PM · Report this
pinksoda 8
I had to be on a liquid diet for two weeks following some intense oral surgery. Even though I was only consuming slightly less calories per day than I normally would have, I NEVER felt satiated.

Human beings need to CHEW!
Posted by pinksoda on February 5, 2013 at 2:31 PM · Report this
rob! 9
(Just wanted to say I'm happy to see Allyn back, also caralain and undead ayn rand, among others. Be nice if balderdash and others return as [I'm guessing] seasonal depression lifts. Can we do a post on favorite missed commenters or sumpin'?)
Posted by rob! on February 5, 2013 at 2:50 PM · Report this
Allyn 10
Oh, rob! You're so sweet. Thank you. I have missed this place. (Even the crackpots, believe it or not.)
Posted by Allyn on February 5, 2013 at 2:54 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 11
We missed you too.
Posted by Will in Seattle on February 5, 2013 at 2:56 PM · Report this
Cienna Madrid 12
@8, I hear you. I also had intense oral surgery as a teenager that left me with a broken jaw and on a supposedly satiating liquid diet for about six weeks. It was hell. By the end, I was too weak to walk a whole city block without resting and started losing my hair.

I'm pretty sure I cried when I chewed my first meal (Ramen noodles with a soft boiled egg) in months.
Posted by Cienna Madrid on February 5, 2013 at 3:06 PM · Report this
bleedingheartlibertarian 13
Hey, if you're going to blow off a ridiculous liquid diet, THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT. (I.e., enthusiastically and as soon as possible.)

I am happy for all the pointlessly miserable days you did not subject yourself to.

Posted by bleedingheartlibertarian on February 5, 2013 at 3:20 PM · Report this
treacle 14
I don't know, Cienna, you really don't want to end a fast/juice diet with something as greasy as a cheeseburger. It's not the meat that will be a problem, it's all the fucking grease/oil... that messes up a stomach like nothing else. bleh. You could only do worse by adding a plate of fries.

Bon app├ętit. I guess.
Posted by treacle on February 5, 2013 at 3:39 PM · Report this
@ 6 YES. @ 7. Cambodia has the good recipes...
Posted by pupuguru on February 5, 2013 at 4:03 PM · Report this
seandr 16
my motivation to drink juice

Remind me, what was the motivation again? Masochism? Because it was there? Cleansing toxins from your qi? Constipation?
Posted by seandr on February 5, 2013 at 5:02 PM · Report this
Lissa 17
I am so glad that you are back on solids! You scared the crap out of me with that curse dust stuff.
Posted by Lissa on February 5, 2013 at 5:17 PM · Report this
Cienna managed to invent a new form of concern trolling: tell people that you're doing something stupid, and get assurance that there are people who are actually concerned about your health and wellbeing.

Well done!
Posted by midwaypete on February 5, 2013 at 6:59 PM · Report this
Cienna Madrid 19
@18, Right? Tomorrow I'm writing an article about how fun it sounds to jump off the roof of a building with an umbrella. Weeeeeee!
Posted by Cienna Madrid on February 5, 2013 at 7:16 PM · Report this
seandr 20
@19: That is the best avatar I've ever seen.
Posted by seandr on February 5, 2013 at 11:52 PM · Report this
seandr 21
Wait a minute, is this a secret installment of "Our Worst Enemy"?

Seriously, you should do an encore of that series, they were fucking hilarious.
Posted by seandr on February 5, 2013 at 11:57 PM · Report this

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