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Monday, February 4, 2013

I'm Lunching on Juice-Boxed Wine

Posted by on Mon, Feb 4, 2013 at 12:37 PM

As Anna mentioned, the two of us are not eating solid foods this week for what started out as a $250 joke and calcified into sad, plodding reality. Anna agreed to do the straight juice cleanse because I think juice cleanses are stupid and also because I have no self control.

You know what I take very seriously, however? Curses.

A few weeks ago, I received an anonymous package in the mail. The package contained a zip-locked baggie of a powder that smelled like horse. A hand-written note inside read, "Cienna. 100% curse remover. Nullifies most powerful curse. Take back your life! Sprinkle on juice."

What an incredible gift! I would've sent the sender a thank-you note but there was no return address.

Now, my mother has begged me not to partake in this 100% curse-removing liquid cleanse, mostly because I suspect she doesn't want me undoing years of hard work on her part. But I'm doing it. AAAND: I'm going to be a little bit more healthy and deliberate than Anna and her hoity-toity juice cleanse.

Instead of relying on "experts" to tell me what to drink, I'm going to rely on QFC and my body's natural cravings for non-chewy things. So far today, I've had a Bolthouse Farms™ Chocolate Protein Plus drink because I was squatting up a storm this morning and I really needed a protein fix.

For lunch, I'm having 1/2 a small boxed wine (the cute, portable ones) mixed with 1 Capri Sun™, sprinkled with curse mix.

For dinner, I assume my stomach will be eating its lining, but I might suck down a La Croix and a Go-Gurt for good measure. Also, Kelly O has promised to bring in her Montel Williams food emulsifier, so if shit gets desperate, I can emulsify myself some de-cursed steak tartar.


Comments (18) RSS

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Dr_Awesome 1
Jesus, Cienna. That makes Anna's daily eggs-&-sausage breakfast sound pretty healthy in comparison.
Posted by Dr_Awesome on February 4, 2013 at 12:43 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 2
People are strange.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on February 4, 2013 at 12:48 PM · Report this
treacle 3
Spinkle cayenne pepper in orange juice to help build up your stomach lining again. Also, good against the leading edge of colds. Better on actual orange slices, but since you're not on solid food right now, OJ is the next best option.

Are you going to have the lab test the curse powder? I'd want to know first. I bet Charles could tell you if it's actually made out of horse.
Posted by treacle on February 4, 2013 at 12:56 PM · Report this
yelahneb 4
I hope everything works out ok in the end. See what I did there? But seriously, be careful. Let me know if you end up needing a kidney or something.
Posted by yelahneb on February 4, 2013 at 12:58 PM · Report this
Cienna Madrid 5
@4, thanks! But it'll be okay. I have an extra set of organs in the fridge.
Posted by Cienna Madrid on February 4, 2013 at 12:59 PM · Report this
Play whatever weird games with your diet you want - but please, please don't consume mysterious powders that arrive anonymously in ziploc bags. A slurry of box wine and yogurt doesn't sound like a great plan, but putting yourself at the mercy of random psychotics sounds a lot worse.
Posted by Warren Terra on February 4, 2013 at 1:03 PM · Report this
Sir Vic 7
You should shoot that horse before the cleanse. That's just common sense.
Posted by Sir Vic on February 4, 2013 at 1:03 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 8
What the fuck is wrong with a healthy meal?
Posted by Pope Peabrain on February 4, 2013 at 1:27 PM · Report this
What #6 said. Are you crazy??? DO NOT CONSUME mystery powder.
Posted by TBne on February 4, 2013 at 1:58 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 10
For all we know it could be horse meat powder from Poland, as sold in Ireland, Spain, and Portugal as "beef".
Posted by Will in Seattle on February 4, 2013 at 2:14 PM · Report this
Fnarf 11
My money's on PCP. Cienna's going to be naked soon, heaving every blessed thing in the Stranger offices out the windows and spitting out big chunks of broken glass.
Posted by Fnarf on February 4, 2013 at 2:50 PM · Report this
Cleanses are stupid fucking pseudo-scientific bullshit
Posted by fsb on February 4, 2013 at 3:02 PM · Report this
doublegin 13
A week of sweet beverages and no dietary fiber sounds like a great way to get type 2 diabetes real quick
Posted by doublegin on February 4, 2013 at 4:03 PM · Report this
Paul Constant 14
@11: That's a typical Thursday around here.
Posted by Paul Constant http:// on February 4, 2013 at 4:41 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 15
@14 for the Typical Thursday Pics Or It Didn't Happen win.
Posted by Will in Seattle on February 4, 2013 at 4:51 PM · Report this
blowdart 16

Just saying these are boxed. And liquid. So drink away. And call me *snicker*
Posted by blowdart on February 4, 2013 at 6:53 PM · Report this
You're going on a juice-only diet for a week? Juice has about the same nutritional properties as soda. This will hurt your health. Please, listen to your mother and eat some solid food.
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on February 4, 2013 at 10:01 PM · Report this
Matt the Engineer 18
And my friends said I couldn't get Stranger staff to eat ground up Ex-lax.
Posted by Matt the Engineer on February 5, 2013 at 10:19 AM · Report this

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