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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Smash, Smash, SMASH!!!

Posted by on Sun, Feb 3, 2013 at 10:46 AM

This is perhaps the best local TV news story ever, from the man claiming to be Jesus intentionally ramming his car into a utility worker—because he's black (that's apparently what this Jesus would do)—to Kai, the homeless, surfer-dude hitchhiker who saves the day, disabling the marauding Jesus by repeatedly hitting him in the head with a hatchet: "Smash, smash, SMASH!"

Even better: The raw footage from the hitchhiker's KMPH-26 interview (a FOX affiliate, of course), after the jump. I especially love the news reporter straight-facedly asking "Have you ever experienced something like this before?" to which Kai doesn't skip a beat: "Well this one time, I was in this orchard...." And then there is the touching denouement, in which viewers are suddenly left wondering over the sad circumstances of Kai's own troubled life.

Every character in this story is perfect. I'm inspired to write an opera.

 

Comments (32) RSS

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mikethehammer 1
My goodness my life is dull.
Posted by mikethehammer on February 3, 2013 at 11:03 AM · Report this
3
I think I totally want go gay marry Kai, which would, of course, be a disaster, so we'd have to get a gay divorce. But that first Thanksgiving and Christmas would be so worth it!
Posted by CJWhite on February 3, 2013 at 11:16 AM · Report this
COMTE 4
If only Homeless Hitchhiker Kai had had a gun instead of a hatchet, this all would have turned out differently...
Posted by COMTE on February 3, 2013 at 11:20 AM · Report this
5
I didn't know there were professional Pauly Shore impersonators.
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://_ on February 3, 2013 at 11:30 AM · Report this
6
Small detail for the absurd: Check out the first video during the first few seconds. The smashed up car driven by "Jesus" has Washington plates on it. I'm not reading any further into this matter.
Posted by bitethemailman on February 3, 2013 at 11:31 AM · Report this
7
@3, no kidding - as a youth I used to be super drawn to exactly this kind of damaged fluency in a guy. The yarnspinning, the mesmerizing-stare technique, the brave wounded-bird tone, the menacing shadows, it's all there. Drug burnout? Damaged upbringing? Incipient schizophrenia? All I know is, when it came attached to good cheekbones and fixable teeth I too used to want to marry it.

Best of luck to Kai, our grubby-thumbed surfer hitchhiking his way out of the San Joaquin valley.
Posted by gloomy gus on February 3, 2013 at 11:37 AM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 8
Religion strikes again!
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on February 3, 2013 at 11:38 AM · Report this
9
Antoine Dodson's long-lost twin?
Posted by cheakamus on February 3, 2013 at 11:39 AM · Report this
10
That was awesome. God bless all the Kais in the world.
Posted by Jude Fawley on February 3, 2013 at 11:59 AM · Report this
sperifera 11
Bailo FTW, which means the world has now come to a close... Thanks. It's been fun.
Posted by sperifera on February 3, 2013 at 12:00 PM · Report this
12
Having finished the second video, I think Kai is going to go viral. He's the next Joe the Plumber. He'll be on MTV in a few weeks and have his own show. You read it here first.
Posted by Jude Fawley on February 3, 2013 at 12:01 PM · Report this
13
@7: You've probably already seen it, but your comment made me think of this youtube video. I should probably note that it contains some NSFW language.
Posted by Joe Glibmoron on February 3, 2013 at 12:16 PM · Report this
14
@13, holy shit - it's like the audition tape of the guy Aaron Paul beat out to get the Jesse Pinkman role. Thank you!
Posted by gloomy gus on February 3, 2013 at 12:27 PM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 15
OMG. Kai is the best kind of lunatic. But a lunatic nevertheless. That second video is crazy awesome.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on February 3, 2013 at 12:37 PM · Report this
Ballard Pimp 16
Cool dude, guys.
Posted by Ballard Pimp on February 3, 2013 at 1:00 PM · Report this
Olo 18
Dude, put that pack down. My back hurts just watching this.
Posted by Olo on February 3, 2013 at 1:59 PM · Report this
eclexia 19
I sincerely hope that Kai gets lots and lots of pussy as a result of this. He deserves every bit of it. May he be filled so full of pussy it leaks out his ears.

But, let's hope he does not reproduce. Let them be magic pussies, that rightfully reject his seed.
Posted by eclexia on February 3, 2013 at 2:54 PM · Report this
nicholaus 20
@19 Best comment of the day!
Posted by nicholaus on February 3, 2013 at 3:12 PM · Report this
21
this hasn't been autotuned already?
Posted by apres_moi on February 3, 2013 at 3:41 PM · Report this
22
Best line from the 2nd video is this "If you'll be Jesus Christ, I'll be the AntiChrist then"
Posted by apres_moi on February 3, 2013 at 3:45 PM · Report this
doloresdaphne 23
@9 I know.
Someone autotune this guy!
Posted by doloresdaphne on February 3, 2013 at 3:50 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 24
I hate to be a Debby Downer, but what about the poor PG&E guy? Just because he didn't have "life-threatening" injuries, that doesn't mean he won't be permanently disabled.

I agree that Kai is a righteous dude, and I'm glad he was there to prevent further carnage, but I feel bad for that poor lineman. His career may very well be over. Thank God for the IBEW.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay http://www.danlangdon.com on February 3, 2013 at 5:36 PM · Report this
25
What would the Pope do?
Posted by Katch22.2 on February 3, 2013 at 5:54 PM · Report this
very bad homo 26
Stay beautiful, Fresno.
Posted by very bad homo on February 3, 2013 at 5:58 PM · Report this
runswithnailclippers 27
Put this video in the USA time capsule. It has got crazy, obesity, GB Packers, homelessness, a hippy, big hearted love, a car accident, racism, Jesus. Only thing missing is guns.
Posted by runswithnailclippers on February 3, 2013 at 6:03 PM · Report this
28
Kai is the reason I love dive bars like the Canterbury. That place is a magnet for sweet, slightly unhinged dropouts like him. That video could have been shot in the Canterbury pool room on any given day.
Posted by mitten on February 3, 2013 at 6:19 PM · Report this
29
I think we just found the new spokesperson for ICP.You go ninja!
Posted by sugarbear on February 3, 2013 at 8:10 PM · Report this
runswithnailclippers 30
I see that David Mamet is now staging fake news events.
Posted by runswithnailclippers on February 3, 2013 at 8:25 PM · Report this
Sandiai 31
Poor Kai having to do that.
Posted by Sandiai on February 4, 2013 at 1:05 AM · Report this
32
Let us hope this "Smash! Smash! SMASH!" episode isn't a formative experience for Kai, lest he goes on to become a Brunnen-G Divine Assassin.
Posted by RonK, Seattle on February 4, 2013 at 3:54 PM · Report this
33
I love this guy! Wish everyone had his outlook.
Posted by daniellep on February 5, 2013 at 6:06 AM · Report this
34
Update! Wanted for murder!
http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaki…
Posted by PA Native on May 16, 2013 at 9:55 AM · Report this

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