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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Dark Secrets

Posted by Dan Savage on Sun, Feb 3, 2013 at 10:26 AM

Originally published December 23, 2008:

What do you do when you meet the human equivalent of heroin?

I've been messing around with a dominant guy for about a year now. It is by far the most unhealthy "relationship" I've ever been in. First, I have no desire to be with this guy in any way besides fucking around with him. I do not respect him or like him. Our fucking around consists of me giving him head and him slapping me around. Pathetic, huh? I've tried to quit seeing him many times. I changed my phone number, but he just started showing up at my house. When I started dating someone, he refused to quit seeing me. Prior to the relationship, I let him use my house keys one night. He made copies of them without my knowing, and while I was in a relationship, he came to my house one day and pretty much forced me to give him head. I was terrified after that. I changed my locks. I told him that if he ever came over again I would call the cops. Still, despite my having a boyfriend and me ignoring him for months, he still called, e-mailed, and stopped by. Since then, my boyfriend and I broke up, and his stalking has escalated. The few people who know the details about our "relationship" have begged me to get a restraining order. The problem? What he does (the dominating, not the stalking) still turns me on. Even after the "attack," even during my relationship, when I masturbate, I think of him. I'm scared of him and turned on by him. I would go to a psychiatrist, but I'm very embarrassed by it. I'm a very normal person, healthy in many ways. So what gives? He's a very attractive guy and he can get many girls—why won't he leave me alone? Why can't I stop myself from seeing him?

I'm a female in my mid 20s. Completely normal, except for this dark secret.

Anonymous

My response after the jump...

It's fun to have a dark secret—lots of "completely normal" people do. But you can have your dark secrets, A, and all the kinky sex you like, with someone else. There are other guys out there who can do for you exactly what this guy does for you now—and it can be a guy you like, a guy you respect, a guy who respects you enough not to take advantage of your submissive streak.

You have to put a stop to this. Move, change those locks again, get that restraining order, and stop seeing this guy once and for all. He may be hot, what he does to you may be hot, but the stalker stuff—to say nothing of the rapist stuff—is shit frosting on an otherwise hot piece of cake. Stop swallowing it before you get seriously hurt.

And you know what, A? You can go right on masturbating about your experiences with this guy without interpreting that as evidence that you're somehow obligated to continue servicing him. Lots of people have fond memories of sexual experiences with sociopaths, and masturbate to (or is it about?) those memories, but only an idiot keeps fucking around with a sociopath. And this guy won't loom quite so largely in your erotic imagination, A, once you've found someone else to do this stuff with.

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Comments (18) RSS

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What a waste of a letter. Why write to an advice columnist just to say, "I know, I know, I should totally do X. Look at me not doing X! How crazy stupid am I?"

Posted by dchari on February 3, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Adrenaline = chicks

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on February 3, 2013 at 11:29 AM

Yo, Babe--Have I got a job for you!

Posted by Ballard Pimp on February 3, 2013 at 12:35 PM

eh, don't sweat it. you'll be dead soon.

Posted by tainte on February 3, 2013 at 12:50 PM

"So what gives? He's a very attractive guy and he can get many girls—why won't he leave me alone?"

Because he doesn't have to? Because you say yes? Because why stop at one girl when he can have you and probably other girls? It's not really rocket science, dear.

Posted by Gloria on February 3, 2013 at 1:09 PM

LW, I think that idea of seeing a therapist is a good one. Sure, take all Dan's advice, but there seems to be something else you'll still have to deal w/: a self-destructive streak perhaps? The only thing is to shop around, and make sure your therapist is kink-friendly.

Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on February 3, 2013 at 1:17 PM

Yikes. It'd be nice to know how this one turned out. Hopefully well after she gave him the heave-ho.

Posted by TVDinner

on February 3, 2013 at 2:24 PM

"why won't he leave me alone" has to be the question of the ages. A quick wikipedia check of "Sutton's law" might be in order.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sutton%27s_…

Posted by eclexia on February 3, 2013 at 2:41 PM

Anonymous let me give you a taste of what's going to be written about you in the news in the near future if you don't get your head out of your ass already - "32 yr old AB charged with murdering 26 yr old ex-GF and 28 yr old XY who was ex-GFs current BF, AB is accused of shooting ex-GF and XY at ex-GF's residence after an altercation. ex-GF was declared dead at the scene. XY died 2 days later from injuries suffered during the incident. Police stated they had been called to residence several times in the past 2 years"

Posted by warren terrah on February 3, 2013 at 4:25 PM

I do this often but without the stalking or the keys thing or what ever. It's more like, wham, bam, thank you ma'am and I've never found it to be anything but healthy. I don't really get off on the stalking, but if a lady tells me to smack her around in the bedroom, I wouldn't hesitate to oblige.

Posted by watchout5

on February 3, 2013 at 4:55 PM

Megan is the new Dan.

Posted by Zebes

on February 3, 2013 at 6:19 PM

Damn, guys, give the girl a break.

Posted by Sarah in Olympia on February 3, 2013 at 9:04 PM

There is no girl. It read to me as a fake letter, from a man, about an older man. Getting to the end, where he's supposedly "a female in my mid 20's", I just smelled the bullshit even more strongly. So many, many men experience their fantasies as this kind of pseudo forced bullshit.

Yes, a woman could be in this situation. However, as a woman, I know that finding a man who wants to "dominate" you and force you to give him head is like shooting fish in a barrel. You must have never fucked a man if you really think that meeting a man into pushing a girl around in bed is a rarity.

If this *is* real, she needs to move, and she knows what to do. Leave your place, inform your new neighbors and coworkers that you have an unbalanced ex, and start calling the cops when you see his car, think you see his car, or get any kind of contact. The more data the police have about his unwanted contact, the stronger your case is.

Posted by secretagent on February 3, 2013 at 10:55 PM

Nope, that's not "shit frosting on an otherwise hot cake." This guy is shit clear through, and desperately needs (okay, needed, four years ago) to get his head beat in with a baseball bat.

On the other hand, how much ya wanna bet one of the reasons she and boyfriend broke up is because Asshole kept coming around and Letter Writer wouldn't put a stop to it?

Posted by avast2006 on February 3, 2013 at 10:58 PM

@10: This is way more than a lifestyle BDSM scenario.

@14: But also probably because she's expressing this in other ways that she's not revealing here. This isn't going to be the only thing "off", it's far more immersive than just her private fantasies.

Posted by undead ayn rand on February 4, 2013 at 7:58 AM

If she didn't end up dead, I'd be surprised. That is what the stalking lunatics do, more often than not. I ached for this girl, reading her letter, and cringed over people on here beating her up. Mid-20's is a baby, and we all do stupid idiot things, but when it comes to crazed violent types, it's plain terrifying, and too often deadly. Here's to hoping she made it out safe.

Posted by Velvetbabe on February 4, 2013 at 4:03 PM

@13, you have your head up your ass. As a woman I can say you don't know what turns "women" on. You can only speak to what turns you on, so don't speak for the rest of us. Some of us like being dominated in bed while passionately dislike being stalked, threatened, and/or raped.
Also, newsflash, a lot of abused women DON'T know what to do about their situations, they feel trapped, and find themselves in a vicious cycle of wanting to tell people their situation and feeling like they are "blowing it out of proportion" or some variant of self-shaming and self-devaluation.
So fuck you.

Posted by Snarky on February 8, 2013 at 9:51 PM

Ya, I too second the doubt on 20's female, cuz it struck me that way, but regardless...
It's not easy to know what to do, even for most people in any kind of contact with sociopaths - who are any good at it. Even posing as friend/colleague/etc, once they target you, it is going to be pure hell if you're not very smart about how you get away.
I detected a guy in just 2 dates by finally having a subliminal flash/intuition occur to me that he could poison the food. (Never happened before. Just heed your warnings.) Nothing was wrong up til then...professional nice guy colleague & human rights lawyer (I verified creds). Everyone in the community loves him!
So I just became a debbie-downer date real quicklike. He left moments later...then the crazzzy started. But it was the most f*ed-up evil NeuroLinguisticProgramming (I studied linguistics, easier to pick up on) attempts to get me to go along with a note or phone call, stalking, intimidation, you have no idea. He got just SICK and would not go away. The whole Dark Triad checklist. He still teaches across from where I live after he took over my class & students (squeezed me out of my job). I let him think he won or whatever. Just NO CONTACT!
A little research and let me just say it's darker than you think and not what you want from those fantasies. It's hot - so that you can enjoy it right? Find a better hot. No Contact with psycho.

Posted by UseTheForce on February 19, 2013 at 12:25 AM