by Dan Savage
on Tue, Jan 29, 2013 at 3:59 PM
I can't orgasm during oral sex. I can during vaginal though. It's frustrating, as I can see it bothers my girlfriend, but while I get close, I don't quite reach the apex of that hill. I suspect it's a control issue, as during vaginal I have some level of control, but during oral I don't and am relying on her abilities. Help please.
I am once again buried under my new book—copy edits, last tweaks, seeking permission—so I hope you'll all forgive me for 1. being absent from Slog and 2. picking such an easy question for the SLLOTD. I've included a couple of equally easy bonus questions after the jump.
Maybe it's not a control issue, AT. Maybe oral just doesn't do it for you—maybe oral can't get you up and over them thar hills—because... oral just doesn't do it for you.
If it were your girlfriend who had difficulty climaxing from oral alone—let's say she required a vibrator to get her all the way up and over them thar hills—the standard-issue, sex-positive, lady-empowering advice would be to accept that that's just the way her pussy works. I would order you to incorporate the vibrator into oral and/or vaginal sex and not to stress out about it. And if you were putting pressure on your girlfriend—if you were making it clear to her that this "inability" to climax from your oral skills alone bothered you, if you were having a great, big sad each time she "failed" to climax during oral—I would slap you around for being an insecure prick and end by pointing out that guilt-trip-induced performance anxiety never leads to more or better orgasms. Quite the opposite.
Why shouldn't the same advice apply here?
This is the way your dick works—vaginal gets you all the way there, oral gets you almost all the way there. If you think there could be psychological block, AT, experiment with letting her get you almost all the way there and then grabbing your dick and stroking yourself to get yourself the rest of the way there. Stroke yourself to the point of no return—"orgasmic inevitability"—and then put your dick back in her mouth and blow your load. With time and without big sads, AT, you may find the number of strokes you need to get you to the point of no return diminishing until you don't need them at all.
Or you may not—because this could be how your dick works.
A gay friend of mine is getting married in Seattle soon and we're hoping to throw him a most excellent bachelor party. However, as a straight dude, I'm fairly clueless about gay strip clubs in the Seattle area. Can you please recommend one or two good ones?
Straight Best Man
There are no gay strip clubs in the Seattle area, SBM, I'm sorry to say. Blame the Washington State Liquor Control Board. The WSLCB doesn't allow adults to enjoy strippers and booze at the same time. In Seattle you can have a drink or you can look at naked people but you can't have a drink while looking at naked people. And while there's enough demand for naked ladies in Washington state to make non-booze-servin' straight strip clubs economically viable, there's not enough demand for naked boys to make gay strip clubs economically viable. (And people have tried.) There is, however, a great gay strip club in Portland, Oregon, called Silverado. If gay strippers are a must, looks like you'll have to plan a road trip as well as a bachelor party.
My girlfriend and I are having sex on a not-so-every-day basis, but that doesn't matter anyways. The thing is, I've been lasting longer and longer every time we do have sex. However, she can't last as long as I can, and eventually we'll start having to use lube and then maybe 30 minutes later, it'll start to hurt more. As if I'm "tearing" her or something. I'm left "blue-balled" in fear of hurting her further, and she feels bad for not having me finish. What do I do? Fake it or just use copious amounts of lube?
Bluer And Bluer Balls
Who the fuck says you can't finish? If it's taking you forever and your girlfriend's pussy is giving out, pull your dick out of her and stroke yourself until you finish. Incorporate some strategic jerk breaks into your fuck session—to get you closer and to give her a break—and you may be able to finish inside her without tearing her to shreds. And you might find she's able to last longer if you engage in a little midplay while you take those jerk breaks: make out while you stroke yourself, eat her pussy, play with her clit. I bet your girlfriend will need less lube if she's less bored and/or more turned on during your epic fuck sessions.