I've recently come to the unpleasant realization that I might kind of just possibly maybe kinda sorta be a psychopath. I arrived at this determination in two ways: (1) I reread a year's worth of my TV columns, and (2) Wikipedia told me so. According to the definition on the "psychopathy" page: "Psychopathy is a personality disorder that is characterized by shallow emotions [THAT'S ME!], stress tolerance [KIND OF!], lacking empathy [TOTES!], coldheartedness [I THINK I'M SWEET, BUT OTHERS DISAGREE], lacking guilt [GUILT? HA! FOR WHAT?], egocentricity [I'M GREAT, SO WHY FLY IN THE FACE OF PUBLIC OPINION?], superficial character [FART NOISE!], manipulativeness [I MAY HAVE LEUKEMIA!], irresponsibility [IS THIS ABOUT ME BONING THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER?], impulsivity [I JUST BONED HER AGAIN! HIGH FIVE!], and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle [FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!] and criminality [IT WILL ONLY COST YOU FIVE BUCKS!]."
But in my defense, I've never viciously murdered a single person! And in case you're wondering, I've also never viciously murdered a group of people. I've never dismembered anyone with a chain saw, chased after people in their dreams with my "finger-knives glove," or cruelly killed teenagers having sex at a sleepaway camp—mostly because I was that teenager, and cock-blocking someone like that is a dick move, bro.