by Dan Savage
on Mon, Jan 14, 2013 at 5:17 PM
A friend of mine on the opposite coast is a crossdresser considering transitioning. She's been going through a really rough time financially—her family was staying with a relative who kicked her out when she came out—hence the relocation to the left coast. He came out to a female friend he had known for a long time but hadn't seen in a while, and she told her that she wanted to her to come to her house fully dressed, mani, pedi, newly pierced ears, etc, for some hot sex to "explore her bicuriosity" or some shit. I told her to go for it, saying gender transgression play is potentially hot. I neglected to mention that she should only go for it if she trusted this girl (hereafter known as "Evil Bitch").
My friend went ahead and spent some of her dwindling finances on prettying up for this Evil Bitch, and then took an eight hour bus ride with the promise of kinky sex. Evil Bitch backed out as soon as she arrived, but took her out to dinner (still fully dressed) as consolation. When she first told me this, I thought, "Oh well, Evil Bitch got cold feet, that sucks."
Now my friend is telling me that this Evil Bitch messaged a bunch of mutual friends he wasn't out to, outing my friend to them. After my friend told Evil Bitch that what went down between them was private, Evil Bitch just responded with "LOL k," THEN posted pictures from their dinner date—fully dressed—on her Facebook. I promptly told my friend to call Evil Bitch up and tell her what a violation of privacy and betrayal of trust that was. She just called him a faggot and hung up.
Now my friend is freaking out because she thinks it's only a matter of time before someone who she's been outed to sees the pictures and contacts her family. I feel bad because I encouraged her to go for it and didn't consider the consequences, that who I thought was a Fun Kinky Girl turned out to be an Evil Bitch.
Anything my friend can do? I already advised her to try to nip the situation in the bud: contact family members and say that he's been targeted by a malicious, cowardly, shitty human being. But she's still freaking out, thinking that Evil Bitch ruined her life after it's already been turned upside down.
Friend of Crossdresser Betrayed By Evil Bitch
My response after the jump...
Your pronouns are all over the place, FOCBBEB. Your friend is a she, then a he, then a she, then a he. I'm gonna stick with "Your Friend," if that's alright, because I can't tell how your friend identifies.
I can only assume that Your Friend and the Evil Bitch exchanged emails, swapped texts, sent DMs via Twitter, etc., as it's highly unlikely that they made arrangements for this date the old fashioned way (phone calls, carrier pigeons, smoke signals). Which means there's not a lot Your Friend can do.
Your Friend could tell Your Friend's relatives and whatever friends Your Friend has in common with Evil Bitch that they got dressed up for a laugh or stopped for dinner on the way to a "put a good friend who just spent eight hours on a bus in drag for the hell of it" party and Your Friend can't for the life of Your Friend understand why Evil Bitch is misrepresenting what they did that night. But if Your Friend does that, FOCBBEB, Evil Bitch will retaliate by posting emails, texts, and DMs to Facebook. Which will only make things worse for Your Friend.
Since Your Friend can't turn this around on the Evil Bitch—and since calling Evil Bitch a liar will only make things worse Your Friend—there's no way for Your Friend to "nip this situation in the bud." Your Friend can only get out in front of it. Your Friend is out now, about the cross-dressing at least, and Your Friend should embrace being out with as much good grace and courage as Your Friend can muster. And paradoxically, FOCBBEB, the calmer Your Friend is about this the less it will spread. If Your Friend tries to keep this quiet, other malicious assholes will realize they can hurt Your Friend by spreading it around. If Your Friend acts like Your Friend could care less who knows, malicious assholes will be less likely to spread it around.
I've known a few innocent people who were outed by malicious shits like Evil Bitch—outed as gay or as kinky or as swingers or as poly—and it sucks and it hurts and, yes, it can turn a person's life upside down. But most looked back on the experience a year or two later with... well, not with gratitude. But they all work up one day happy to be free from the stress of keeping a big secret and keeping track of who knew and who didn't know. Maybe Your Friend will feel the same way in a year or two.
In the meantime, FOCBBEB, offer Your Friend your support and get in the face of anyone gives Your Friend greif.