Did you know Line Out has a semi-regular karaoke column? Now you do! Everyone's a Star, by longtime karaoke host Patrick Marr. Here's the newest installment...
All the time, people are coming up to me and saying, "Hey, Patrick! Is it possible to get laid using karaoke?" Well, sure it is! People get laid all the time singing karaoke songs! Probably! Nothing says "I am possibly interested in lowering my sexual standards by up to 80 percent tonight!" like listening to people sing songs they didn't write! And drinking!
The trick is to know what song to sing, and so I've prepared, with only the filthiest modicum of thought and experience, the following guide. Here is what you can expect when you sing the listed songs:
"Jack & Diane" by John Cougar Mellencamp Handjob.
"All Star" by Smashmouth Clumsy handjob.
"Refrain, Audacious Tar" by Gilbert and Sullivan Hookjob.
"What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes Five drops of dishwasher soap in the washing machine can help get the patchouli out of your sheets. LINE DRY ONLY!