Sent yesterday to the I, Anonymous mailbag:
Well sure, I guess you could call me a football hipster. I have wholeheartedly followed the Seahawks since the days of pretending to be John L. Williams in the backyard of my Seattle suburban home. You on the other hand are the shittiest fan in the history of shitty fans. Watching football with you is like watching a silent film with a blind person. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Come over and watch the game you ask? Usually by the first half you are already drunk and mumbling on and on about the new Frank Ocean album, preventing me from hearing the fucking game. When others arrive you love to share your wealth of football knowledge you obtained from the half hour pre-game show. I don’t know many coaches who like to run the prevent offense but you assured me that it is actually quite popular in the NFL. Again, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
The best part was when you said you were a huge Patriots fan because you really like the scene in Boston. Oh and that cute girl that you tried to explain the wildcat offense to, is actually a rad chick who follows the game more than anyone I know. Let’s do this one more time: You don't know what the fuck you're taking about.
Dear Anonymous: I know exactly how you feel. I hate it when know-nothing jerks babble over the Oscars.