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News & ArtsWednesday, December 26, 2012
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Six Conversations I Did Not Wish to Have on Christmas
Posted by Cienna Madrid on Wed, Dec 26, 2012 at 3:30 PM
6. My 50-year-old newly single, wheat- and lactose-intolerant aunt: "I'm really into crystals now. Especially amethysts, which absorb negative energy..."
5. My mother: "I wish you were as easy to breed as my dog."
4. Me to my brother: "What should I tell people that you do for a living?"
"I don't give a shit. Tell them I drive an ice cream truck."
"They know you're in the Navy."
"Tell them I drive an ice cream truck for the Navy."
"Why don't you tell them that?"
"People don't ask me dipshit questions."
3. A family friend: "Your brother says he's driving an ice cream truck now? I thought he was in the Navy?"
2. My dad: "Your dog is humping Ana again. I think she's going to need to change her pants."
1. My grandmother: "It's really the weirdest rash and it started in my anus..."
28
That's bullshit. The Navy is never hiring for the ice cream truck job. Someone gets it and never leaves the position so it's never open. Fuck the Navy.
27
#6 deserves to rank at least #2, and #4 sounds like an awesome conversation. There must be years of context there that we're missing.
26
I wish you were as easy to breed as my dog.
Now that you mention it, has any female staff member of The Stranger ever squirted out a baby? Has a pregnant woman ever even set foot in your offices?
Now that you mention it, has any female staff member of The Stranger ever squirted out a baby? Has a pregnant woman ever even set foot in your offices?
25
6) Oh, really? Thats fascinating, I'm into crystal too! I find that crystal meth absorbs negative energy and gives me super energy!
5) Maybe you haven't presented me with the right bitch/stud yet
4) I'll just tell them "Well, its really classified top secret but he is a peg boy for Seal Team 6 (though really why not take it that he isn't sharing that info & let it go?)
3) See #4
2) Well, then something positive is coming out of all that humping!
1) Oh dear, please show us all.
5) Maybe you haven't presented me with the right bitch/stud yet
4) I'll just tell them "Well, its really classified top secret but he is a peg boy for Seal Team 6 (though really why not take it that he isn't sharing that info & let it go?)
3) See #4
2) Well, then something positive is coming out of all that humping!
1) Oh dear, please show us all.
24
Oh we had:
"We're all just empty emotionless husks anyway", "Do people really smile because their happy or is it just something you do out of etiquette?" and "Christmas is like death - it happens so seldom that you never bother to remember what a chore it is"
I guess that was the highlight. :D Swedish christmas dinner ftw!
"We're all just empty emotionless husks anyway", "Do people really smile because their happy or is it just something you do out of etiquette?" and "Christmas is like death - it happens so seldom that you never bother to remember what a chore it is"
I guess that was the highlight. :D Swedish christmas dinner ftw!
23
@15
That's pretty funny. I'm almost thinking one day on slog should be devoted to the word ANUS. Like that amazing day when all the posts were authored by that politician, I forget his name, Ken McConnell?
That's pretty funny. I'm almost thinking one day on slog should be devoted to the word ANUS. Like that amazing day when all the posts were authored by that politician, I forget his name, Ken McConnell?
22
You grandmother probably has either late-onset diaper rash or the beginning of anal cancer brought on by an HPV infection acquired long ago.
21
What happens when you clip a MUVI camera to a ceiling fan?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d57oOQcgC…
18
My dad raised the topic of gun control while everyone else was off at church.
He said, completely seriously, "I never had a gun around the house because I was afraid your mother would shoot me."
He said, completely seriously, "I never had a gun around the house because I was afraid your mother would shoot me."
17
@16 -- If I had a nickel for every time that's happened to me... I'd be a really cheap prostitute.
16
"My mother: "I wish you were as easy to breed as my dog."
A friend just bred her dog; it cost mucho dinero grande. Among other fun things, the female didn't want to be mounted, and would run around and mount the male.
Until the male was lying there exhausted.
A friend just bred her dog; it cost mucho dinero grande. Among other fun things, the female didn't want to be mounted, and would run around and mount the male.
Until the male was lying there exhausted.
15
@14 -- with the grandma one, I thought for a second that I must have skipped and started reading one of those "overheard at the Stranger Office" posts, and was starting to wonder who to vote for.
12
your grandmother sounds like.. ummm fun..i wish she could meet my aunt meatball.. yep ..that's what she likes to be called, 'meatball'.. your aunt sounds like .ummmm... not fun.
8
Thanks, Cienna, for lording it over the rest of us about how much more colorful your family is than ours.
6
Wow… That explains a great deal about you. I think you should just stick your hand in the spider jar now and pray for a quick death. I see no hope for you.
3
Well, family is the most important thing, not that they're dreadful conversationalists. Merry Xmas!
2
For a fun time, misread the headline for this article as "Sex Conversations I Did Not Wish to Have on Christmas" like I did.
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