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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Six Conversations I Did Not Wish to Have on Christmas

Posted by on Wed, Dec 26, 2012 at 3:30 PM

6. My 50-year-old newly single, wheat- and lactose-intolerant aunt: "I'm really into crystals now. Especially amethysts, which absorb negative energy..."

5. My mother: "I wish you were as easy to breed as my dog."

4. Me to my brother: "What should I tell people that you do for a living?"
"I don't give a shit. Tell them I drive an ice cream truck."
"They know you're in the Navy."
"Tell them I drive an ice cream truck for the Navy."
"Why don't you tell them that?"
"People don't ask me dipshit questions."

3. A family friend: "Your brother says he's driving an ice cream truck now? I thought he was in the Navy?"

2. My dad: "Your dog is humping Ana again. I think she's going to need to change her pants."

1. My grandmother: "It's really the weirdest rash and it started in my anus..."

 

Comments (29) RSS

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seatackled 1
One post I did not want to read on Boxing Day. . . .
Posted by seatackled on December 26, 2012 at 3:39 PM · Report this
Pick1 2
For a fun time, misread the headline for this article as "Sex Conversations I Did Not Wish to Have on Christmas" like I did.
Posted by Pick1 on December 26, 2012 at 3:43 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 3
Well, family is the most important thing, not that they're dreadful conversationalists. Merry Xmas!
Posted by Matt from Denver on December 26, 2012 at 3:47 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 4
Don't forget to give us regular anus updates over the holidays.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on December 26, 2012 at 3:58 PM · Report this
yelahneb 5
@4 I'm certain she'll do it in the end.
Posted by yelahneb http://www.strangebutharmless.com on December 26, 2012 at 4:07 PM · Report this
You_Gotta_Be_Kidding_Me 6
Wow… That explains a great deal about you. I think you should just stick your hand in the spider jar now and pray for a quick death. I see no hope for you.
Posted by You_Gotta_Be_Kidding_Me on December 26, 2012 at 4:10 PM · Report this
Gurldoggie 7
Seven. Make it 7 conversations you could have avoided.
Posted by Gurldoggie http://gurldogg.blogspot.com on December 26, 2012 at 4:26 PM · Report this
Goldy 8
Thanks, Cienna, for lording it over the rest of us about how much more colorful your family is than ours.
Posted by Goldy on December 26, 2012 at 4:49 PM · Report this
9
I like your brother
Posted by UberAlles on December 26, 2012 at 4:50 PM · Report this
10
This blog needs a goddamn "like" button.
Posted by Juris on December 26, 2012 at 4:55 PM · Report this
11
I agree with UberAlles, your brother sounds like fun.
Posted by Mugwumpt on December 26, 2012 at 4:58 PM · Report this
reverend dr dj riz 12
your grandmother sounds like.. ummm fun..i wish she could meet my aunt meatball.. yep ..that's what she likes to be called, 'meatball'.. your aunt sounds like .ummmm... not fun.
Posted by reverend dr dj riz on December 26, 2012 at 5:05 PM · Report this
Cascadian Bacon 13
Why can't you tell people that your brother is in the Navy?
Posted by Cascadian Bacon on December 26, 2012 at 5:18 PM · Report this
14
I'm sure your grandmother would fit in well at the Stranger office.
Posted by bigyaz on December 26, 2012 at 5:32 PM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 15
@14 -- with the grandma one, I thought for a second that I must have skipped and started reading one of those "overheard at the Stranger Office" posts, and was starting to wonder who to vote for.
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on December 26, 2012 at 5:44 PM · Report this
16
"My mother: "I wish you were as easy to breed as my dog."

A friend just bred her dog; it cost mucho dinero grande. Among other fun things, the female didn't want to be mounted, and would run around and mount the male.

Until the male was lying there exhausted.
Posted by Motherf-inglogingarbageproblems on December 26, 2012 at 7:07 PM · Report this
17
@16 -- If I had a nickel for every time that's happened to me... I'd be a really cheap prostitute.
Posted by Anastasia Beaverhausen on December 26, 2012 at 7:34 PM · Report this
Free Lunch 18
My dad raised the topic of gun control while everyone else was off at church.

He said, completely seriously, "I never had a gun around the house because I was afraid your mother would shoot me."
Posted by Free Lunch on December 26, 2012 at 7:50 PM · Report this
19
Best laugh I've had in days. Thank you Cienna!
Posted by I Got Nuthin' on December 26, 2012 at 7:57 PM · Report this
Ernie1 20
Best laugh I've had in days! Thank you Free Lunch.
Posted by Ernie1 on December 26, 2012 at 9:10 PM · Report this
21

What happens when you clip a MUVI camera to a ceiling fan?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d57oOQcgC…

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://_ on December 26, 2012 at 9:17 PM · Report this
22
You grandmother probably has either late-onset diaper rash or the beginning of anal cancer brought on by an HPV infection acquired long ago.
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on December 26, 2012 at 10:54 PM · Report this
dnt trust me 23
@15
That's pretty funny. I'm almost thinking one day on slog should be devoted to the word ANUS. Like that amazing day when all the posts were authored by that politician, I forget his name, Ken McConnell?
Posted by dnt trust me on December 26, 2012 at 11:05 PM · Report this
JensR 24
Oh we had:
"We're all just empty emotionless husks anyway", "Do people really smile because their happy or is it just something you do out of etiquette?" and "Christmas is like death - it happens so seldom that you never bother to remember what a chore it is"

I guess that was the highlight. :D Swedish christmas dinner ftw!
Posted by JensR http://ohyran.se on December 27, 2012 at 3:30 AM · Report this
25
6) Oh, really? Thats fascinating, I'm into crystal too! I find that crystal meth absorbs negative energy and gives me super energy!

5) Maybe you haven't presented me with the right bitch/stud yet

4) I'll just tell them "Well, its really classified top secret but he is a peg boy for Seal Team 6 (though really why not take it that he isn't sharing that info & let it go?)

3) See #4

2) Well, then something positive is coming out of all that humping!

1) Oh dear, please show us all.

Posted by frankdawg on December 27, 2012 at 5:31 AM · Report this
seandr 26
I wish you were as easy to breed as my dog.

Now that you mention it, has any female staff member of The Stranger ever squirted out a baby? Has a pregnant woman ever even set foot in your offices?
Posted by seandr on December 27, 2012 at 9:12 AM · Report this
evilvolus 27
#6 deserves to rank at least #2, and #4 sounds like an awesome conversation. There must be years of context there that we're missing.
Posted by evilvolus on December 27, 2012 at 9:55 AM · Report this
prompt 28
That's bullshit. The Navy is never hiring for the ice cream truck job. Someone gets it and never leaves the position so it's never open. Fuck the Navy.
Posted by prompt on December 27, 2012 at 10:14 AM · Report this
Dirtclustit 29
hey dipshit number 25 & 26, tying an aunts shoes together in not so subtle ways is a good addition to the "things I can't believe I was stupid enough to do and dumb enough not to apologize for"
Posted by Dirtclustit on June 14, 2013 at 3:55 PM · Report this

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