Every Joo
Down in Joo-ville
Liked Chanukah as suchâŠ
But the Kvetch,
Who lived just north of Joo-ville,
⊠not so much.
The Kvetch hated Chanukah, the whole Chanukah season.
Now don't ask me why. What? Should I know the reason?
It could be he wasnât a mensch, that is all.
Or his petzel, perhaps, was two sizes too small.
Such meshugâas comes from one thing or another,
But like most Joo-ish boys, we should just blame his mother!
But,
The reason, whatever,
His mom or his putz,
The Kvetch hated Chanukah. Oy, what a yutz!
For he knew every Joo down in Joo-ville tonight
Was busy preparing menorahs to light.
âAnd theyâre giving out gelt!â he sighed as he said
âI need waxy chocolate like holes in my head!â
Then he nervously whined as his fingers tapped horas,
âI MUST stop the Joos from igniting menorahs!â
For,
The Kvetch knew that soonâŠ
⊠All the Joo girls and boys
Would say the baruchâha, then unwrap their toys!
And then! Oh, the oys! Oh, the Oys! Oys! Oys! Oys!
If itâs not what they wanted, the OYS! OYS! OYS! OYS!
Then the Joos, young and old, would sit down for a nosh.
And theyâd nosh! And theyâd nosh!
And theyâd NOSH! NOSH! NOSH! NOSH!
They would nosh on Joo-latkes, and Gefilte-Joo-Fish,
Which was surely the Kvetchâs least favorite dish!
And THEN
Theyâd do something
Which made the Kvetch plotz!
Every Joo down in Joo-ville, Bar Mitzvahed or not,
Would sit down together, their proud ponimâs grinning.
Then dreidels in hand, all the Joos would start spinning!
Theyâd spin! And theyâd spin!
AND theyâd SPIN! SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!
And the more the Kvetch thought of this Joo-Dreidel-Spin,
The more the Kvetch thought, âI canât let this begin!
âOy, for fifty-three years Iâve put up with it now!
âChanukah, Schmanukah! Stop it!
⊠But HOW?â
Then he got an idea!
And the moment he had,
He said
âIâm no Einstein, but this⊠not half bad!â
âI know just what to do!â Then he donned an old sheet,
And dug up some sandals to wear on his feet.
âIâm the Prophet Elijiah! Theyâve set me a plate!â
(For the Kvetch couldnât keep Joo-ish holidays straight.)
âThe Joos âll oblige olâ Elijiah, no doubt!
âI will simply walk in. Then Iâll clean the place out!â
âAll I need is a camel...â
He looked far and near,
But this wasnât the desert, and camels are dear.
Did that stop the old Kvetch...?
That pischer? No, never:
âIf I canât find a camel,â the Kvetch said, â...whatever.â
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took an old sack
And he tied a hump onto the front of his back.
THEN
He climbed on this
dog-dromedaryish mammal.
You never have seen
Such a schmuck on a camel.
Then the Kvetch cried âOy vey!â
As old Max started down
Toward the homes, while the Joos
Where still schmoozing in town.
All their driveways were empty. Just SUV tracks.
All the Joos were out last-minute-shopping at Saks,
As he rode to a not-so-small house on old Max.
âItâs a good thing I broughtâ the old Prophet Kvetch thought,
âAll these bags with to stuff all the stuff the Joos bought.â
Then he looked at the chimney. It seemed quite a stretch
That a fat goy like Santa could fit, thought the Kvetch,
âStill, the goyim believe stranger things, thatâs for sure.â
Then the Kvetch shrugged his shoulders, and walked through the door
Where the little Joo dreidels were all strewn about.
âThese dreidels,â he grinned, âare the first to go out!â
And he schvitzed, as he shlepped, with an odor unpleasant,
Around the whole house, as he took every present!
Barbie dolls! Mountain bikes! Brios! And blocks!
Pokemon! GameBoys! And all of that shlock!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then his arms spread akimbo,
He shlepped all the bags, one by one, out the wimbo!
Then he shlepped to the kitchen. He took every dish.
He took the Joo-latkes. The Gefilte-Joo-Fish.
He cleaned out the Sub-Zero so nimbly and neat,
Careful to separate dairy from meat.
Then he shlepped the Joo-nosh right out the front door-a.
âAnd NOW!â kvelled the Kvetch, âI will shlep the menorah!â
And he grabbed the menorah, and started to shlep on,
When he heard a whine, like a cat being stepped on.
He spun âround with shpilkes, and coming his way,
It was Ruth Levy-Joo, who was two, if a day.
The Kvetch had been caught by this small shaina maidel,
Whoâd been watching TV on her big RCAâdle.
âThe Prophet Elijiah?â she quizzed the old fool,
âYou visit on Pesach, they taught us in shul.â
And although the old Kvetch was surprised and confused,
Itâs not hard to lie to a girl in her twos.
âBubbeleh⊠sweatheartâŠâ he started his tale,
âYour dad paid full price, when this all was on sale!
âAnd like any good merchant, I just want to please ya.
âIâll ring it up right, then Iâll refund your VISA.â
Then he patted her tush. Put a Barney tape in.
And she spaced-out as fast as the spindle could spin.
And as Ruth Levy-Joo watched her mauve dinosaura,
HE went to the door and shlepped out the menorah!
Then the match for the shamas
Was last to be filched!
Then he shlepped himself out to continue his pillage.
On the walls he left nothing at all. Bubkes. Zilch.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a matzoh ball even too dense for a mouse.
Then
He did the same schtick
In the other Joos' houses.
Leaving knaidlach
Too dense
For the other Joos' mouses!
It was quarter to duskâŠ
All the Joos, still at Saks,
All the Joos, still a-shmooze
When he packed up old Max,
Packed him up with their presents! The gelt and the dreidels!
The chotchkes and latkes! The knish and the knaidels!
He hauled it all up to his condo in haste!
(A Grinch might have dumped it, but why go to waste?)
âShtup you!â to the Joos, the Kvetch loudly cheered,
âTheyâre finding out Chanukahâs cancelled this year!
âTheyâre just coming home! I know just what theyâll say!
âTheyâll ask their homeowners insurance to pay,
âThen the Joos down in Joo-ville will all cry OY VEY!â
âAll those Oys,â kvelled the Kvetch,
âNow THIS I must hear!â
So he paused. And the Kvetch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up from the shtetl.
It started to grow. Then the Kvetch grew unsettledâŠ
Why the sound wasnât sad,
It was more like the noise
Of a UPS trucker
Delivering toys!
He stared down at Joo-ville!
And then the Kvetch shook,
As truck after truck
Replaced all that he took!
Every Joo down in Joo-ville, the Golds and the Steins,
Re-ordered their presents by going online!
Chanukah HADNâT been cancelled!
IT CAME!
âŠOn UPS trucks⊠but it came just the same!
Then the Kvetch, staring down at the gifts where they sat,
Stood kvitching and kvetching: âFor this, I did that?
âIt came without traffic! It came without tax!
âIt came without shopping at Bloomieâs or Saks!â
And he kvetched on and on, til he started to shvitz,
Then the Kvetch thought of something which might make him rich!
âMaybe stores,â thought the Kvetch, âdonât need mortar and bricks.
âMaybe toys can be bought with a few well-placed clicks!â
And what happened then�
Well⊠in Joo-ville they say
That the Kvetch raised
Ten million in venture that day!
And the minute his web site was ready to go,
He raised ten billion more on his new IPO!
He sold back the toys to the homes they came from!
And heâŠ
⊠he the KvetchâŠ!
Founded YA-JOO.COM!
©2000 by David Goldstein. All rights reserved.