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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

How the Kvetch Stole Chanukah

Posted by on Tue, Dec 25, 2012 at 6:00 AM

[To all my fellow Jews feeling a bit left out this morning, I present my annual posting of this beloved holiday classic, with apologies to the late, great Dr. Seuss—but not to the greedy, litigious bastards at Dr. Seuss Enterprises, LLC. So there.]

Every Joo
Down in Joo-ville
Liked Chanukah as such…

But the Kvetch,
Who lived just north of Joo-ville,
… not so much.

The Kvetch hated Chanukah, the whole Chanukah season.
Now don't ask me why. What? Should I know the reason?
It could be he wasn’t a mensch, that is all.
Or his petzel, perhaps, was two sizes too small.
Such meshug’as comes from one thing or another,
But like most Joo-ish boys, we should just blame his mother!

The reason, whatever,
His mom or his putz,
The Kvetch hated Chanukah. Oy, what a yutz!
For he knew every Joo down in Joo-ville tonight
Was busy preparing menorahs to light.

“And they’re giving out gelt!” he sighed as he said
“I need waxy chocolate like holes in my head!”
Then he nervously whined as his fingers tapped horas,
“I MUST stop the Joos from igniting menorahs!”

The Kvetch knew that soon…

… All the Joo girls and boys
Would say the baruch’ha, then unwrap their toys!
And then! Oh, the oys! Oh, the Oys! Oys! Oys! Oys!
If it’s not what they wanted, the OYS! OYS! OYS! OYS!

Then the Joos, young and old, would sit down for a nosh.
And they’d nosh! And they’d nosh!
And they’d NOSH! NOSH! NOSH! NOSH!
They would nosh on Joo-latkes, and Gefilte-Joo-Fish,
Which was surely the Kvetch’s least favorite dish!

They’d do something
Which made the Kvetch plotz!
Every Joo down in Joo-ville, Bar Mitzvahed or not,
Would sit down together, their proud ponim’s grinning.
Then dreidels in hand, all the Joos would start spinning!

They’d spin! And they’d spin!
And the more the Kvetch thought of this Joo-Dreidel-Spin,
The more the Kvetch thought, “I can’t let this begin!
“Oy, for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
“Chanukah, Schmanukah! Stop it!
But HOW?”

Then he got an idea!
And the moment he had,
He said
“I’m no Einstein, but this… not half bad!”

“I know just what to do!” Then he donned an old sheet,
And dug up some sandals to wear on his feet.
“I’m the Prophet Elijiah! They’ve set me a plate!”
(For the Kvetch couldn’t keep Joo-ish holidays straight.)
“The Joos ‘ll oblige ol’ Elijiah, no doubt!
“I will simply walk in. Then I’ll clean the place out!”

“All I need is a camel...”
He looked far and near,
But this wasn’t the desert, and camels are dear.
Did that stop the old Kvetch...?
That pischer? No, never:
“If I can’t find a camel,” the Kvetch said, “...whatever.”
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took an old sack
And he tied a hump onto the front of his back.

He climbed on this
dog-dromedaryish mammal.
You never have seen
Such a schmuck on a camel.

Then the Kvetch cried “Oy vey!”
As old Max started down
Toward the homes, while the Joos
Where still schmoozing in town.

All their driveways were empty. Just SUV tracks.
All the Joos were out last-minute-shopping at Saks,
As he rode to a not-so-small house on old Max.
“It’s a good thing I brought” the old Prophet Kvetch thought,
“All these bags with to stuff all the stuff the Joos bought.”

Then he looked at the chimney. It seemed quite a stretch
That a fat goy like Santa could fit, thought the Kvetch,
“Still, the goyim believe stranger things, that’s for sure.”
Then the Kvetch shrugged his shoulders, and walked through the door
Where the little Joo dreidels were all strewn about.
“These dreidels,” he grinned, “are the first to go out!”

And he schvitzed, as he shlepped, with an odor unpleasant,
Around the whole house, as he took every present!
Barbie dolls! Mountain bikes! Brios! And blocks!
Pokemon! GameBoys! And all of that shlock!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then his arms spread akimbo,
He shlepped all the bags, one by one, out the wimbo!

Then he shlepped to the kitchen. He took every dish.
He took the Joo-latkes. The Gefilte-Joo-Fish.
He cleaned out the Sub-Zero so nimbly and neat,
Careful to separate dairy from meat.
Then he shlepped the Joo-nosh right out the front door-a.
“And NOW!” kvelled the Kvetch, “I will shlep the menorah!”

And he grabbed the menorah, and started to shlep on,
When he heard a whine, like a cat being stepped on.
He spun ‘round with shpilkes, and coming his way,
It was Ruth Levy-Joo, who was two, if a day.

The Kvetch had been caught by this small shaina maidel,
Who’d been watching TV on her big RCA’dle.
“The Prophet Elijiah?” she quizzed the old fool,
“You visit on Pesach, they taught us in shul.”

And although the old Kvetch was surprised and confused,
It’s not hard to lie to a girl in her twos.
“Bubbeleh… sweatheart…” he started his tale,
“Your dad paid full price, when this all was on sale!
“And like any good merchant, I just want to please ya.
“I’ll ring it up right, then I’ll refund your VISA.”

Then he patted her tush. Put a Barney tape in.
And she spaced-out as fast as the spindle could spin.
And as Ruth Levy-Joo watched her mauve dinosaura,
HE went to the door and shlepped out the menorah!

Then the match for the shamas
Was last to be filched!
Then he shlepped himself out to continue his pillage.
On the walls he left nothing at all. Bubkes. Zilch.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a matzoh ball even too dense for a mouse.

He did the same schtick
In the other Joos' houses.

Leaving knaidlach
Too dense
For the other Joos' mouses!

It was quarter to dusk…
All the Joos, still at Saks,
All the Joos, still a-shmooze
When he packed up old Max,
Packed him up with their presents! The gelt and the dreidels!
The chotchkes and latkes! The knish and the knaidels!

He hauled it all up to his condo in haste!
(A Grinch might have dumped it, but why go to waste?)
“Shtup you!” to the Joos, the Kvetch loudly cheered,
“They’re finding out Chanukah’s cancelled this year!
“They’re just coming home! I know just what they’ll say!
“They’ll ask their homeowners insurance to pay,
“Then the Joos down in Joo-ville will all cry OY VEY!”

“All those Oys,” kvelled the Kvetch,
“Now THIS I must hear!”
So he paused. And the Kvetch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up from the shtetl.
It started to grow. Then the Kvetch grew unsettled…

Why the sound wasn’t sad,
It was more like the noise
Of a UPS trucker
Delivering toys!

He stared down at Joo-ville!
And then the Kvetch shook,
As truck after truck
Replaced all that he took!

Every Joo down in Joo-ville, the Golds and the Steins,
Re-ordered their presents by going online!

Chanukah HADN’T been cancelled!
…On UPS trucks… but it came just the same!

Then the Kvetch, staring down at the gifts where they sat,
Stood kvitching and kvetching: “For this, I did that?
“It came without traffic! It came without tax!
“It came without shopping at Bloomie’s or Saks!”
And he kvetched on and on, til he started to shvitz,
Then the Kvetch thought of something which might make him rich!
“Maybe stores,” thought the Kvetch, “don’t need mortar and bricks.
“Maybe toys can be bought with a few well-placed clicks!”

And what happened then…?
Well… in Joo-ville they say
That the Kvetch raised
Ten million in venture that day!
And the minute his web site was ready to go,
He raised ten billion more on his new IPO!
He sold back the toys to the homes they came from!
And he…

… he the Kvetch…!
Founded YA-JOO.COM!

©2000 by David Goldstein. All rights reserved.


Comments (6) RSS

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Happy 16th day after Hanaukkah!
Posted by pat L on December 25, 2012 at 7:39 AM · Report this
Hi, Goldy --
I see you're manning the blog today. I was reminded of my favorite Uncle Bonsai Christmas song: "Doug's Greatest Christmas Ever"

Lyrics --
Look at the streets of the city all covered in snow
Passels of people with presents and places to go
Filling the sidewalks with carols and holiday cheer
Forgetting who makes it all possible year after year

Families flock to their friends for some fruitcake and fun
A fabulous, flavorful feast for their favorite Son
But back at the office there's plenty of work to be done
And there's only one person to count on when everyone's gone

Doug will be there whatever the means
Doug will be there to man the machines
Doug will be there to hold it together like glue
Doug's dependable
Doug's commendable
Doug's determined to be there for you
Doug's the man of the hour, the company Jew

Doug goes down to the 7-11 at ten
Perfectly proud to be working on Christmas again
Doug grabs a donut a lovingly loosens his belt
Yoo-hoos and Yodels with the last of the Chanukah gelt

Santa Claus smiles and ushers him into the store
Right to the Santa with nachos who smiles some more
Santa Claus bags up the goods for the Santa Claus clerk
So taxi-cab Santa can get Doug right back to his work

Doug will be there whatever the means
Steam the letters or clean the latrines
Doug will be there when nobody else can come through
Doug will make the pitch
Doug will throw the switch
Doug is one of the proud, brave and few
Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew

And Mom's in Miami with dozens of cousins and wives
Picking over the final remains of their lives
But there's Kreploch and cake in the kitchen and plenty of each
And a long list of numbers in case she should need to be reached

Doug cracks the thermos and quietly fills up his glass
A toast to the masses amassed at their holiday mass
So remember the people like Doug when the service begins
Especially since you will need them when Easter rolls in

Doug will be there whatever the means
Pack the programs or stack magazines
Doug's so reliable, that's undeniably true
Doug's desirable
Who else can do the things Douglas can do?
Doug is alive with the power of the company Jew
Doug's so sensible
Light the menorah, there's thanks overdue
Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew
Posted by onalki on December 25, 2012 at 7:56 AM · Report this
I have loved this one ever since I first saw it. It warms my heart when I see it reposted each year! It's such a joy to read it aloud!
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on December 25, 2012 at 10:47 AM · Report this
Goldy, you are a bad bad man. And my Jewish boyfriend is laughing his ass off.
Posted by Jenkitty on December 25, 2012 at 10:52 AM · Report this
I assume Max was a Doberman Pischer.
Posted by sarah70 on December 25, 2012 at 6:32 PM · Report this
kk in seattle 7
Thanks for reposting! Now for your reward.
Posted by kk in seattle on December 26, 2012 at 11:59 AM · Report this

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