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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Film Is This the Worst Film Review Ever Written?

Posted by Paul Constant on Wed, Dec 12, 2012 at 3:09 PM

Harry Knowles at Ain't It Cool News is famous for his poorly written film reviews. (Maybe his best-known terrible review is the one that compared Blade 2 to cunnilingus, but my personal favorite is the one where he fell asleep during Inception and blamed Christopher Nolan for his naps.) But his review of Jack Reacher, the new Tom Cruise movie, is a high-water mark of terribleness, even for Knowles. Here is the honest-to-God first line. I am not making this up:

I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now.

I think he means he saw the movie a month ago. That paragraph continues:

Why should you give two shits about this film? Well, it is based on a series of books by Lee Child that has huge fans. Reacher is essentially the most badass Military Detective that there ever was. He found problems. That life is in the rearview and now he wanders the earth like Kane from Kung Fu having adventures. Now, there’s no Eastern philosophy.

It just goes on like this. Or, as Knowles puts it, "Things occur." Some highlights:

In fact if you watch Cruise’s Jack Reacher… efficient & precise describe his actions, dialogue and line of thought. Shortest distances. He keeps things explosive, even if they’re barbs of the verbal side.

You should not be surprised.

JACK REACHER is an old school man with internally created way of life...Living day by day the way he lives.

Now I know, I’ve brought up THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES so I assume you have to want to know, what’s better? Well, OUTLAW JOSEY WALES. Duh.

This film is called JACK REACHER and after you see it, you’ll know the name and what it stands for.

This...this is a review for the ages. And I think it's exactly the review that Jack Reacher deserves.

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Comments (29) RSS

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Is English his first language?

Posted by Wandergeist on December 12, 2012 at 3:16 PM

Hasn't he been doing this for years? I've never actually been to his site, but- is this what has been going on there all this time?

Well, it is based on a series of books by Lee Child that has huge fans.

Lee Child: Read by giants everywhere.

Posted by Zebes

on December 12, 2012 at 3:26 PM

Wow, I've never liked his schtick, but this really does seem to reset the bar for terrible writing. "Living day by day the way he lives" deserves some kind of... well, whatever the opposite of "award" may be.

Posted by Peteykins

on December 12, 2012 at 3:28 PM

This seems abnormally bad and illiterate, even by Knowles standards.

most on the comment section seem to think that this is not really Knowles, and I can't blame them.

Posted by GermanSausage on December 12, 2012 at 3:30 PM

Would this be better or worse if it were written by a computer program?

Posted by McJulie on December 12, 2012 at 3:42 PM

@5 Better. If Harry did write this, I would say his physical injury has finally leaked into his brain.

Posted by Akbar Fazil on December 12, 2012 at 3:44 PM

I can't wait for the porn parody, "Jack Reacharound."

Posted by Gern Blanston on December 12, 2012 at 3:50 PM

@7: Exactly. It already sounds like a porn actor's name.

Posted by thatsnotright on December 12, 2012 at 3:54 PM

I love how they had a short guy play a tall guy's role.

Computer program written review ftw!

Posted by Will in Seattle

on December 12, 2012 at 4:05 PM

I'm with @1, this isn't bad writing, this just isn't English.

Posted by PizmoSF on December 12, 2012 at 4:06 PM

I never saw that Blade 2 review. Holy shit. "BLADE 2 is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit."

Posted by Jason Josephes

on December 12, 2012 at 4:12 PM

Ugh, Harry Knowles.

Posted by hereiswheremynamegoes on December 12, 2012 at 4:14 PM

I’ve heard that Harry Knowles is the nom de plume under which Chuck Mudede writes movie reviews. Their “writing” “styles” certainly are identical.

Posted by You_Gotta_Be_Kidding_Me on December 12, 2012 at 4:20 PM

Harry is in really rough shape and is probably addicted to painkillers. That doesn't excuse his terrible writing but it does explain it. I feel very sorry for the man, he is obviously damaged.

Posted by SLG on December 12, 2012 at 4:30 PM

To paraphrase David Sedaris, "Harry talk pretty one day." Or maybe not ever.

Posted by camlux on December 12, 2012 at 4:56 PM

I don't understand why this site is even on anyone's radar. It comes off to me as someone's MySpace page that everyone loves for no good reason.

Posted by Knat on December 12, 2012 at 4:57 PM

Wow. An average 7th grader can write better than that.

Posted by Reverse Polarity on December 12, 2012 at 5:10 PM

An Awk-award?

Sorry.

Posted by emor on December 12, 2012 at 6:29 PM

"You should not be surprised."

Made me LOLZ as the kids say. Also, @13 is an a-hole.

Posted by schmacky on December 12, 2012 at 7:03 PM

Holy hell, why hasn't the site been updated since 1995?!! So hideous

Posted by Steve French on December 12, 2012 at 8:45 PM

This reminds me of a professor I had once. He was a smart, successful scientist but he talked like some kind of Joe Sixpack caricature. Some people can be brilliant at math and science but practically unable to form a coherent sentence. Then again, Dr. Z didn't try to make his name as a movie reviewer either.

Posted by Prettybetsy on December 12, 2012 at 8:46 PM