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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: I Dig Chicks

Posted by on Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 10:01 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published August 28, 2008:

I am a 30-year-old woman. My boyfriend and I got together when we were 15. It was—and remains—an intense and extraordinary intellectual compatibility. He's the funniest and smartest person I have ever met. There is a lot of good stuff here.

Okay, cutting to the chase: I have never slept with another man and I don't want to. I no longer want to have sex with him and have been having sex with women behind his back. I have long been attracted to women and suspect I would have been in a relationship with one by now if my life took a different path. I love my boyfriend, his family, our friends, our life. But nothing makes me feel more "me" than lying next to a woman after we have gotten each other off for hours. Do I come out, wreck my life and his, all because of one small part of who I am? Or do I stop being an unfaithful bitch and make things work with the man I love?

Why Do I Have To Dig Chicks?

My response after the jump...

First off, WDIHTDC, no one has to dig chicks. It's an elective, not a course requirement. (Except at Evergreen, of course.)

Now, seeing as you and your boyfriend are young enough to get out there and find new partners relatively easily, and seeing as this man who you profess to love has a right (1) not to be lied to for the rest of his life and (2) not to be cheated on for the rest of his life and (3) to be with a woman who actually wants to have sex with him, there's only one course of action here. Thank your boyfriend for his years of faithful service—honor his service—and cut his ass loose.

If you play your cards right, WDIHTDC, you may be able to keep your ex, his family, and your mutual friends in your life. But if you continue to lie and cheat and munch carpet on the down-low, and you get caught and outed, it's unlikely that your ex, his family, and your mutual friends will want to see your lying, cheating, carpet-munchin' face ever again.


Comments (26) RSS

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Man, do I want a follow-up on this one.

One small part of who you are? How do you think your long-term boyfriend feels about you acting on this one small part of who you are?
Posted by clashfan on December 11, 2012 at 10:14 AM · Report this
Huh, I don't get:

"First off, WDIHTDC, no one has to dig chicks. It's an elective, not a course requirement. (Except at Evergreen, of course.)"

Is Dan saying being a lesbian is a choice...
Posted by j2patter on December 11, 2012 at 10:38 AM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 3
Good god! They've been together 15 years and met when they were essentially just starting high school?!?

I'm assuming this took place in the smallest of small towns, probably somewhere in the middle of Iowa or Nebraska or some other deserted place?
Posted by Urgutha Forka on December 11, 2012 at 10:40 AM · Report this
brandon 4
Just cuz you're in the closet doesn't mean you receive a "Get out of CPOS" free card.
Posted by brandon on December 11, 2012 at 10:40 AM · Report this
yeah, a follow-up would be great.

15 years is a pretty strong and invested relationship to give up, so I can see why it would be hard. Of course, lying and sleeping around behind his back isn't just giving up on it, it is sabotaging it to the point where it will be destroyed beyond all salvage and recognition. Making a decision without actually deciding.

I do wonder if they couldn't try an open relationship first. She says she "no longer" wants to have sex with her boyfriend, which makes me think she used to want to have sex with him. If she's bi and bored, cheating exclusively with women could just be a way to avoid laying blame on herself or her boyfriend: "I love you, but I can't help it! I'm a lesbian!"
Posted by wingedkat on December 11, 2012 at 10:53 AM · Report this
thelyamhound 6
@2 - I caught that as well. I'm curious to see if he expands on (or backpedals away from) that.

I'm actually not convinced there's much choice involved in any preference, let alone orientation. I don't decide what I dig; I discern what I dig.

Then again, maybe we're all just misunderstanding the verb "to dig," with some using it as a being verb and others as something more active.After all, "lying next to a woman after we have gotten each other off for hours" is certainly a choice.
Posted by thelyamhound on December 11, 2012 at 10:56 AM · Report this
"the right (1) not to be lied to for the rest of his life

Well, it kind of depends on the lie. If the lie is "I find you irrresistible," and she can fake it convincingly, that's really her burden to bear for as long as she wants to bear it, more than it is his right to not be lied to in that particular way. If, on the other hand, the lie is "I'm faithful to you," then no, she needs cut it the hell out.

"and (2) not to be cheated on for the rest of his life"

See above.

"and (3) to be with a woman who actually wants to have sex with him"

This one is a bit complicated. Yes, he has that right. However, that right might be expressed in a way that preserves your relationship. In other words, he MIGHT go for an open relationship with you, if he also gets a woman (or more than one) who actually wants to have sex with him. If the rest of your relationship is really that awesome, he might elect to keep it, provided you don't deprive him of that very thing (sexual satisfaction) that you yourself have been taking for yourself by stealth outside the relationship.

Bottom line is the same though: You have to tell the truth, even if it means potentially wrecking what you have. You can either keep what you have, or you can get what you want, but you cannot do both by stealth.
Posted by avast2006 on December 11, 2012 at 10:59 AM · Report this
Jaymz 7
@2 - I also was initially stunned by that comment but decided that what Dan meant was that "you don't have to have secret sex with chicks" - it is your choice who you sleep with, not who (or which gender) you desire.

This is a perfect storm for a clean break - young "puppy love" and compatibility before realizing the opposite sex attraction. He and his family will much more easily accept you leaving due to being a lesbian (who truly loves him, more like a sister) than the more typical "I'm just not physically attracted to you anymore and want other men". Drop him gently, come out, be happy.

(I'm in the middle of a mediation so lots of free time on my hands to SLOG comment today - sorry for the long posts.)
Posted by Jaymz on December 11, 2012 at 10:59 AM · Report this
Hernandez 9
@3 You might be surprised. I know a few couples around here who have been together since around that age and are now at or around 30, and they're all city/suburban folk. Definitely not rural types. Sometimes it just happens, and while it's probably a low-percentage success rate (as this letter illustrates), more power to 'em if it does work out.
Posted by Hernandez on December 11, 2012 at 11:01 AM · Report this
Urgutha Forka @3

As weird as it is to date someone from ages 15 to 30 in the city, it is even weirder to have done so in a small town. The social pressure to get married is unbelievable. If they'd been in a small town in Nebraska or Iowa, they should be married and divorced by now.

Unless they're meth addicts. That's a whole different culture.
Posted by wingedkat on December 11, 2012 at 11:05 AM · Report this
Lance Thrustwell 11
All I know is I find the whole lesbians getting each other off for hours thing quite agreeable. Any film available? Purely educational, of course.
Posted by Lance Thrustwell on December 11, 2012 at 11:48 AM · Report this
Mattini 12
Thirty is still young. I hope this woman was honest with her boyfriend, and gave him the chance to be with someone capable of feeling attraction toward him.
Posted by Mattini on December 11, 2012 at 12:17 PM · Report this

That is very true about small towns. The pressure to pair off is huge, especially if you have been dating for a while and don't have a big obvious reason not to. It is all part of the "high school sweethearts" Hollywood myth. It is easy to allow yourself to drift along into a marriage with someone who is not Mr/Mrs Right, just because they are not Mr/Mrs Oh-So-Wrong.
Posted by geminilee on December 11, 2012 at 2:40 PM · Report this
I agree with @5 and @8. An open relationship is certainly a possibility, especially since they both are attracted to the same type of person (female). This opens up the possibility of three-somes, etc. As mentioned, the first step is to tell the truth.
Posted by Ross on December 11, 2012 at 2:54 PM · Report this
I'm...I'm shocked. Flabbergasted. How does a person find time to get someone off for hours? Regularly!? On top of another relationship!?!?

Ohhhh I know. No kids, right? I get it.
Posted by LateBloomer on December 11, 2012 at 4:09 PM · Report this
secretagent 16
For a threesome to be possible, Ross #14, she has to want him too. Which she doesn't. She wants chicks, and chicks only, and given that she's been sleeping with chicks who want her, there's really no place for a penis in this equation. Unless you stretch it to a really rather unreasonable and crazily optimistic happy land that doesn't exist. "I've been banging chicks on the sly for a while, I don't want to have sex with you ever again, but hey, let's work this out." That man would have to be Mother Teresa reincarnated.

I hope to hell she came clean. 30 is way too young (hell, so is 60) to live a lie, deceive someone whom you love, and make him live without sex with a woman he loves.

As non-monogamous as I am, and as much as I believe in having fun sex without love, can we not just cavalierly discard the whole sex with someone you love thing? Yeah, maybe he'll go for an open relationship (doubt it), but getting to have sex with someone you're in love with is a pretty big thing to sacrifice for the rest of your life. That whole "making love" thing matters to most of the non-monogamous people I know. Definitely way too big to be decided by anyone but him.

And, you know, her self-actualization and all that. Her right to live out loud who she is, and to be in a full and complete relationship. I can't imagine how hard it is to come out, let alone while you're in a straight relationship, but I also can't imagine willingly choosing to stay in a relationship that can't give you what you need, and making that choice for an unwitting someone else, to boot.
Posted by secretagent on December 11, 2012 at 4:12 PM · Report this
On another note entirely though--it seems to me that holding on to someone while withholding affection from them, is one of the nastier things you can do to a person you claim to love. That's cold.

Well, other than cheat on them at the same time I guess.
Posted by LateBloomer on December 11, 2012 at 4:19 PM · Report this
Whoops. @18 beat me to it.
Posted by LateBloomer on December 11, 2012 at 4:21 PM · Report this
@16. 16, goddammit.

I gotta get some sleep.
Posted by LateBloomer on December 11, 2012 at 4:22 PM · Report this
@2 I think you may be just too young to get the reference. There was a time in the early days of feminism when some women "became lesbian" as a political statement--to demonstrate their true feminist bona fides. I had some friends who did. There was an expression for it: "LTG" or "Lesbian Til Graduation". Some of them of course were actual sexual lesbians, but most reverted back to heterosexuality.
I think Dan is making a little joke about Evergreen being the type of politically-charged environment where LTG culture might have happened. I have no idea whether it's still happening, because my experience is from the '60s.
Posted by crone on December 11, 2012 at 4:24 PM · Report this
@2: That confused me, but I think it's a reaction to the signature. That the problem isn't that she "digs" chicks but that she "fucks other people on the sly while lying to her partner and also refusing to sleep with that partner." So if by "dig" she means the latter, then she most certainly does have a choice about it.

If she was doing all this extra sexing (and Ha! @15, yes definitely no kids) with a bunch of guys, the correct framing of the problem would not be Why Do I Have To Dig Guys?
Posted by IPJ on December 11, 2012 at 6:50 PM · Report this
As an Evergreen grad - that is hilarious, Dan. Thanks for that =).
Posted by Sasa the Banded Mongoose on December 11, 2012 at 8:29 PM · Report this
This one is so long after the fact it must have resolved itself by now - but I wonder what he would say about the situation? Is he madly in love with the gf and missing the sex? Kinda amazed he's been with the same person for half his life and consensually bored with fucking? Actively pursuing an alternate sexual path of his own?
Posted by K3 on December 11, 2012 at 10:28 PM · Report this
I teach in a residential high school and I can tell you that LTG is alive and well.
Posted by Clayton on December 12, 2012 at 5:39 AM · Report this
I wonder where the tipping point is at which she no longer deserves to "be able to keep your ex, his family, and your mutual friends in your life." Please note, by the way, that this not any variety of assuming desert that would suit the Prince of Arragon; in my rewrite, the lead casket was a pretentious bit of inverse snobbery, and the third and correct choice was the silver casket, but from the correct point of view.

The concluding pair of questions was also interesting. I can't decide whether she wanted to be told that she deserved to have it all or to DTMFA.
Posted by vennominon on December 12, 2012 at 6:16 PM · Report this
@23: Wow you are one hypersensitive shit. To hear you talk, he has a right to be told that his partner finds him repulsive. Hell of a useful right that is.

Nobody is making her do it, and in the meantime, the outcome of that particular lie is that she is treating him better than she otherwise would. The only reason it would turn out badly is if she were to eventually turn around and tell him, "Actually, no, you aren't irresistible at all, you're fucking homely and I've been faking the whole time." You will notice that I didn't anywhere suggest that she should do that. I only ever suggested that if she felt like treating him extra nice, that's hardly a violation of his rights.

Posted by avast2006 on December 15, 2012 at 11:27 PM · Report this

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