I'm currently working on compiling the arts section of our annual regrets issue and was trying to think of a headline. (Last year's was "Regretting Me, Regretting You: A Year of Neurosis, Debt, and Death.")

For a lark, I thought I'd see if the internet had a headline generator—and guess what? It does! It promises to "Increase Your Sales Instantly By Finding A Better Headline." I spend way too many hours of my life trying to find a better headline.

So I thought I'd take it for a spin. First, I had to tell the machine what I wanted.

• blech

Then I pushed the "generate headlines" button, and... the results explain so much about headlines on the internet—especially Google ads—and pop consciousness in general. A few:

"7 Secrets To How To sadness, hope And stuff that's interesting to read."

"sadness, hope While You Sleep - Our Proven System Will Do The Work!"

"To People Who Want To sadness, hope But Can't Get Started."

"7 Moral, Ethical, & Perfectly Legal Ways To sadness, hope."

and one of my favorites:

"The Lazy Man's Way To sadness, hope."

Too true. The rest of the delightful and depressing results are below the jump.

How To sadness, hope And stuff that's interesting to read

They Laughed When I Said I'd sadness, hope— But When I They Begged Me For My Secret!

7 Secrets To How To sadness, hope And stuff that's interesting to read

Want To stuff that's interesting to read? Here's How To sadness, hope Now!

FREE Report Reveals 5 Secrets To sadness, hope

New Discovery Reveals How To sadness, hope!

Who Else Wants To sadness, hope And stuff that's interesting to read?!

It's True: You Really Can sadness, hope And Here's How...

New regrets Helps You stuff that's interesting to read... Guaranteed!

Tests Now Show Our regrets Can Help You stuff that's interesting to read

Double Your Money Back If You Don't sadness, hope With Our Amazing System

Free Book Tells You 12 Secrets To sadness, hope

Here's A Quick Way To sadness, hope

To People Who Want To sadness, hope But Can't Get Started

Double Your Money Back If You Don't sadness, hope

Free Book Tells You 12 Secrets To sadness, hope

Here's A Quick Way To sadness, hope And stuff that's interesting to read

To People Who Want To sadness, hope But Can't Get Started

7 Moral, Ethical, & Perfectly Legal Ways To sadness, hope

(Your State or City) Man/Woman Reveals A Short Cut To sadness, hope

The Lazy Man's Way To sadness, hope

sadness, hope In Just (Select Number) Minutes A Day - Guaranteed!

I Never Thought I Could sadness, hope - But I Finally Discovered The Secret! Here's How...

Here's The Only Way Left For Regular Guys/Gals Like You And Me To sadness, hope

Top (Add Title) Spills The Beans On How Industry Insiders Are Quietly sadness, hope

Top (Add Title) Spills The Beans On The Inside Secrets To sadness, hope

The Quickest Way I Know To sadness, hope And stuff that's interesting to read

A Fast And FUN Way To sadness, hope

For The First Time, New Breakthrough System Reveals How To sadness, hope

What You Don't Know About Is Costing You A Fortune! -Here's The Straight Scoop On How To sadness, hope

Ex- Executive/Insider Exposes Underground Trade-Industry Secrets To sadness, hope

If You Want To sadness, hope And Have All But Given Up... Here's Hope!

Here's The #1 Way To sadness, hope - And I'll Prove It To You!

Paying To Much? Here's How To sadness, hope BETTER - For Less!

If You Can Follow Simple Directions, Here's How To sadness, hope In Your Spare Time - And Have Fun Doing It!

sadness, hope While You Sleep - Our Proven System Will Do The Work!