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Friday, December 7, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: A Bad Trifecta

Posted by on Fri, Dec 7, 2012 at 11:32 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published September 7, 2006:

Here's the deal. I've been married for under a year. I, wifey, have been bad—the "trifecta" of controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational, and it got 100 times worse once we got engaged. I was bad; I made him miserable. I am now doing well in therapy, much improvement in recent months. The problem? No sex. Maybe twice a month and only at my insistence. He was not as affectionate when we first got married but now there's no skimping on the hugs and kisses. He treats me well and says he loves me—but he avoids sex. The worst part is sometimes we'll be making out and I can feel his hard-on but he just won't act on it. He likes porn and women so I know he has the appetite—just not for me.

I know my trifecta turned him off, but I've gotten better. And I'm going nuts waiting.

Sexless In Windsor

By your own admission you were a raging bitch for the duration of your engagement and three-quarters of your married life thus far, SIW. While it's swell that you've gotten a handle on your controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational behavior—that's a "quadfecta," technically, not a "trifecta"—it's gonna take more than a few months of good behavior before hubby begins to see you as the woman he proposed to and not the fucking nutjob he married. I'd say you're gonna need to be sane for at least as long as you were batshitcrazy before you can expect things to return to normal. Hang in there.


Comments (18) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
I love how it's still all about her.
Posted by LateBloomer on December 7, 2012 at 11:46 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 2
If she was that bad before they married, they both need therapy.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on December 7, 2012 at 11:48 AM · Report this
brandon 3
Maybe it's because his dick is telling him not to stick it into batshit.

$20 says they are already divorced.
Posted by brandon on December 7, 2012 at 12:21 PM · Report this
mr. herriman 4
yes, i bet it's over too. once the love's gone it's really hard to get it back, and he likely decided she's not worth the effort. definitely sounds like he turned that corner.

also, good point @1.
Posted by mr. herriman on December 7, 2012 at 12:29 PM · Report this
@1: I know. Just leave him already.
Posted by it's under a year, get out now on December 7, 2012 at 12:51 PM · Report this
Is she sure the man wasn't attracted to the crazy in the first place?
Posted by mran on December 7, 2012 at 12:53 PM · Report this
imbecile 7
What 6 said. If things were ok while she was batshit, maybe that's were the attraction is.
Posted by imbecile on December 7, 2012 at 1:08 PM · Report this
I'm in a similar situation with my wife now; for a while she became very paranoid and was constantly angry. Some of this was due to stresses in her life, and I get that, but it still was miserable to be the scapegoat for it all. Now she seems to have calmed down a bit, but I'm still spooked, and I can't get into sex with her that much. What I'm looking for, really, is a sign that it's not who she is anymore, and it won't flare up again. So far, I don't see it.
Posted by sounds familiar. on December 7, 2012 at 1:23 PM · Report this
Isn't a 'trifecta' three things? Maybe he's just turned off by stupid.
Posted by avatar on December 7, 2012 at 1:34 PM · Report this
Alanmt 10
The betting term relating to four items is actually superfecta, although quadfecta and quadrifecta are sometimes used. In this case it would be a superbadfecta.
Posted by Alanmt on December 7, 2012 at 1:48 PM · Report this
Wandergeist 11
Did nobody think to JUST ASK HIM? I mean, you might not get a straight answer, but the answer does exist and it's between his ears, nowhere else. Maybe he thinks it's great she's less crazy outside the bedroom but he misses the crazy in it. Maybe he's "punishing" her for her past behavior and she needs to find out what Get Out of Jail card he's looking for. Maybe he realizes that this is the only form of control he has over her, and he's afraid that once he gives in she'll lose all incentive to stick with the therapy and go back to being her old batshit self. Or maybe they're both crazy control freaks and he now has the upper hand? I don't know, you don't know, nobody knows except the one person we haven't heard from.
Posted by Wandergeist on December 7, 2012 at 2:13 PM · Report this
10: I think the technical term is actually "shitstorm".
Posted by gromm on December 7, 2012 at 2:25 PM · Report this
He is suffering a form of PTSD. After I got out of one of these relationships. I had to go through therapy before I could look at any woman and not think oh my god how much trouble is this person going to cause me.
Posted by Rob douglas. on December 7, 2012 at 4:29 PM · Report this
In an alternate universe there's a woman whose abusive husband has convinced her that she's the cause of every problem in their relationship and he's cruelly withholding sex to boot. She writes to Dan Savage looking for a reasonably neutral viewpoint but he had sand up his anus that day, plus he never calls men on sexual manipulation. So, he calls her nasty names and smugly retires to buff his butthole with soft polishes.

Or perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle, and saintly hubby is neither halo'ed nor GGG? Perhaps Dan's standard advice fits better: y'all gotta communicate. If one partner won't meet halfway, including refusing to communicate about sex, DTMFA.
Posted by K3 on December 7, 2012 at 10:58 PM · Report this
I'm not seeing the sexual manipulation #14. What I'm seeing is guy who's wife scared the hell out of him and who might be just a tad reluctant to invest himself in the relationship. I think #2 is right and it's time to bring hubby in for a session or start seeing a couple's counselor.
Posted by msanonymous on December 7, 2012 at 11:32 PM · Report this
The hubby must be a dumbshit, or desperate, or a glutton for punishment, or just likes batshit crazy, to go through with the marriage.

I'd say he's probably scared of her, but another possibility is he's passive-aggressively rejecting her sexually as a form of revenge. If so, bully for him--after making her hubby miserable for months, I'd say the bitch deserves some misery of her own.

They either settled into a dynamic of long-term mutual misery, or divorced. Personally, I'm hoping they stuck together, which at least would remove them both from the dating pool of available singles.
Posted by Functional Atheist on December 8, 2012 at 8:26 AM · Report this
@10, I've also heard 'quinella' used--and was confused, as I thought that should refer to five things, not four.
Posted by clashfan on December 8, 2012 at 3:28 PM · Report this
Thank GOD that Dan cleared up the trifecta/quadfecta thing. It was driving me nuts.
Posted by fubar on December 11, 2012 at 7:52 PM · Report this

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